Parts of speech...D.E. style...

Do we even need to do the "disclaimer" thing anymore? Chances are we're going to offend or piss SOMEONE off with one of our hey, today I'm going to swear. A LOT. In fact this whole post is just about that. Swearing. Lots of it. So if you're not a fan of profanity and think that women who use it are classless and uneducated, stop now. If you don't mind it and want some entertainment, by all means...enjoy.

My Sunday morning did not get off to a good start. The youngest was up far too early and therefore way cranky far earlier than normal, the older two were not lovin' each other, and attempting to get everyone ready for church while refereeing all of the above was wearing on my last nerve...the husband who "didn't hear me" didn't exactly help the ol' blood pressure either. So let's just say I wasn't exactly feeling very Christian-like before departing for church on this fine Sunday morning and every four letter word you could possibly think of was being bitten back repeatedly. And those who know me shouldn't be surprised as I do my fair share of swearing. A lot of it. I can drop a curse word so artfully into a conversation you don't always know it has happened until after we've parted ways. But I try to watch myself around the kids, but now in retrospect, I shoulda let 'em fly. After all, I could have taught them a lot about the English language. Well used profane language can be very effective, not to mention efficient, as those bad boys can be useful as nouns, verbs, adjectives, proper nouns, maybe even adverbs, conjuctions, and prepositions. They really are quite useful. Let's examine, shall we?

For demonstrative purposes I will mainly be using the word fuck, as I'm sure we can all agree, it really is the most versatile of all of the swear words...

It can easily be used as a noun: You really are a lazy fuck today, you know that? Or even a proper noun of sorts: Please oh-so-kindly stop riding my ass you SONOFABITCHINGMOTHERFUCKER.

It's use as a verb is quite obvious, but we'll throw one out there just for fun: Johnny fucked Suzy. (hopefully not on the beach...we've already addressed why that's a bad idea)

How about as an adjective? This could be used as Hallmark's new campaign for Mother's Day: Give mom a break from doing all of the fucking work. I like it, I'd absolutely buy myself a card. Shit.

What about as part of an adverb? What mother of a toddler wouldn't LOVE to verbalize this one? You whine too fucking much. Hell, ANY child for that matter??? They all whine too fucking much, pass the wine. Shit.

I would highly encourage this one with my kids, very creative use of the word as an adverb enhancing an Even their teachers might be impressed: Mom, you are fucking beautiful. OR Mrs. X, this is a fucking spectacular worksheet.

It is very commonly used as an interjection: FUCK! I can't find my keys...We're going to be late...I spilled my crapped your pants again?!??!...etc, etc, etc...insert whichever thing you find yourself bitching and moaning most consistently about.

It is very often used as part of a word...inserted somewhere in the middle to create an entirely new word that is so cool you can't help but want your kids to repeat it. I do this often and quite enjoy it. Abso-fucking-lutely. Fan-fucking-tastic. In-fucking-credible. Un-fucking-believable.

Only those highly practiced in the art of swearing are schooled enough to be able to artfully and eloquently use it as almost every word in the entire damn sentence. I bow down to those people. Im-fucking-pressive. I've tried yet start to stutter and stumble after about the third shit or fuck, this is typically after I've had a few too many adult beverages (yep, I'm SUPER classy folks...tell your friends) so I leave it to the experts. Fuckers.  I'm jealous.  I really, truly am.

So very versatile and can be used in so many different ways to express oneself in a myriad of situations...

1. Greetings "How the fuck are ya?"
2. Fraud "I got fucked by the car dealer."
3. Resignation "Oh, fuck it!"
4. Trouble "I guess I'm fucked now."
5. Aggression "FUCK YOU!"
6. Disgust "Fuck me."
7. Confusion "What the fuck.......?"
8. Difficulty "I don't understand this fucking question!" (this was me in college algebra...which I then found out I didn't even need to take..fuckers)
9. Despair "Fucked again..."
10. Pleasure "I fucking couldn't be happier."
11. Displeasure "What the fuck is going on here?"
12. Lost "Where the fuck are we."
14. Retaliation "Up your fucking ass!"
15. Denial "I didn't fucking do it."
16. Perplexity "I know fuck all about it."
17. Apathy "Who really gives a fuck, anyhow?"
18. Suspicion "Who the fuck are you?"
19. Panic "Let's get the fuck out of here."
20. Directions "Fuck off."
21. Disbelief "How the fuck did you do that?"

Unfortunately it's just one of those words and swearing is just one of those things that is typically frowned upon, despite it's usefulness and obvious versatility. Dammit. So I guess I'll just have to leave the whole "conjunction junction, what's your function?" thing to the elementary school professionals, huh? Fuck. We'll just stick to worksheets and coloring I guess.  Shit.


Anonymous said...
June 15, 2010 at 11:31 AM

Greetings is listed twice.

Anonymous said...
June 15, 2010 at 11:47 AM

How about the curse word within a curse word, for when you are really fucking pissed?
I take these on the beltway with me.

Anonymous said...
June 15, 2010 at 12:29 PM

How about calling someone a FUCKING FUCKER? "Oh really, you fucking fucker?!" That's a favorite in our house.... :)

Amy Lee said...
June 15, 2010 at 12:50 PM

HAHA one more reason why I wish I lived near you. My mom wants to know why I swear so much. She says she didn't raise me that way. I said have you ever listened to Dad? Every other word out of his mouth is fuck, even when he's in a good mood....Soooo on that note, I can make a trucker and a sailor blush.

I try to watch myself around the kids too, but yeah that doesn't always work out well. And I've been known to tell off people on the phone more than once when they've pissed me off. I.E. last summer when the electric company told me they needed an $1100.00 deposit to turn our electricity on in the new house. I told them to fuck off and fuck their fucking electricity and promptly hung up on them.

Yep, I have a temper ;)

Anonymous said...
June 15, 2010 at 1:34 PM


Anonymous said...
June 18, 2010 at 1:21 PM

You are FUCKING hilarious!

badrumtess said...
November 18, 2010 at 6:17 PM

As a teacher and a constant swearer, I fucking loved this post. Keep up the damn fine work.

Kristi McWhite Glenn said...
November 4, 2011 at 12:43 PM


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