Survival 101...

Just do it.....


No, we are not going to motivate you "Nike" style. We are not going to get you all revved up in the hopes that when you finish your first marathon, biathlon, triathlon or shopathon, you credit us inspirational gals at the DE with stoking your inner fire and bringing you to heights you never imagined. Shit, we aren't that motivated ourselves, so if we do that to you, let us know. It might get our own asses in gear to do something of spiritual contribution on this earth beyond laundry and killer mac and cheese.

In any case, this entry of the DE wants you to just admit that it is ok. You're going to screw up your kids. Plain and simple. Don't feel guilty, it is just a cold, hard truth. An very "convenient truth" if you ask me...because the sooner you accept, the happier you will be. Don't fight it. You are going to fuck them up in one way or another. Just get that into your head and mantra early, and you will be just fine. How do we do this? We exist. Plain and simple. And we invited Pandora's box into our world to make it an easier place, and that bitch has helped out quite a bit. It is much easier on the soul and psyche if you just accept that lying, cheating, stealing, bribing and a whole host of other ugly sins will be thrust upon you in parenthood. And it may not seem that apparent to you, but I am pretty damn sure you do it already....but those sins are sneaky. Your crafty, evil canevil ways might be SO snide that even you are pulling the wool over your own eyes. Here are a few examples (and I have gotten so good at this, that all of these examples are just from the past 48 hours of my life....) This is how I keep peace in my household, and therefore make an awful example to my kids of how a contributing member of society should conduct oneself:

Lying:

I started out Saturday morning with a quick run to WalMart to replace the dead goldfish my husband killed with blatant neglect. We had a busy weekend and I did not want to kids to start their weekend off with tears over why Zip was floating upside down and smelled like dirty feet. So Zip II was quickly introduced into our family and no one was the wiser. Chalk one up for the parents. Also, the pool right by the baseball tournament was "closed", the concession stand was "out" of Ring Pops, and "No we can't go to Grandma's after the game because she is not home". This also comes in handy when your preschooler picks out her own clothes, and you tell her she looks amazing because that little face is so proud. And the ever popular "Honey, the tooth fairy must not have been able to fly here last night because it rained..." Yes, Santa will skip right over this house if you don't take a nap....yes I know it is only summer, but he watches ALL OF THE TIME. Seriously. It is shocking. The list goes on.

Cheating:

Yes, I have cheated my kids. Get over it. I have. I have pretended to count equal amounts of candy, gum, etc to keep the peace. But damn those little buggers, they can count by themselves now, so I have to be extra careful. I guess all of the above examples could be creatively woven into the "Cheating" category, so maybe we will just leave it at that.

Stealing:

Now before you get all judgmental and "holy holy" on me, watch yourself. You've done it. A fruit snack before you hand over the rest of the pack you just opened, a bite of the popsicle, a sip of the juice box. HALLOWEEN CANDY!! HELLO???!!! Who has not done this? If you answered an angelic "No, not me" you are a double liar and I would avoid the outdoors and lightning storms at all costs. I may have even "borrowed" a dollar from one kid to "lend" it to me so that I could make sure that tooth fairy bitch didn't disappoint two nights in a row. I always pay back. Tenfold. Summer camp is not cheap.

Bribing:

Been to Target with a toddler? Call it what you will. You might want to make yourself feel better and call it "strategic offspring management" but I am calling a spade a spade. I have checked out at Target before with every single box of food item purchased pre-tested by the population of ankle-biters in my cart all the while getting the stink-eye from the cashier. Whatever. At least I bought everything and didn't ditch what they didn't like. Snot. Don't judge. I won. The kids are happy, Target stock increased and the 18 boxes of open snacks allowed me to check out patio stuff AND the hair products for more than 12 seconds. I even recall in an act of rookie desperation offering my two year old a million dollars if he would PLEASE stop screaming at Nordstrom's on the escalator. It did not work and I ran with my double stroller beast to the nearest exit. tip: make the bribe at least a good one. Toddlers don't like money. They like food. They like toys. They want Elmo to come to your house. Go with it.

Hiding:

yes, out of safety and sanity, I have hidden from my children. Only once in public. It was to prove a point that if they did not stay near me, they were going to get lost. But mostly I just hide at home....so I can shower alone, pee alone, use the phone alone. Whatever. Try it. It is best to do it in a room with a door that locks. But kids are quick. Little Sherlock Holmes'. They won't be able to find their shoes right by the back door, but they can hunt you down in 3000 square feet like a bloodhound.

Survival. That is the general goal of parenthood. Yeah, yeah, produce successful, kind, contributing members of society that will have a positive impact on our world, blah, blah, blah. Everyone wants that. But it is all about baby steps. Make it through brunch at Aunt Ruby's. Make it through the shopping mall. Make it out of Target with the same amount of kids you went in with (and in the best case, the same ones). Parenthood is about survival of the fittest. Sometimes it is you, and sometimes it is the kids. We are just here to keep your arsenal well stocked. Best of luck to you.

9 comments:

Meg said...
June 21, 2010 at 11:30 AM

hahahahahahaha! you crack me up - I've so been there... and there's only 1 of her! AND she's only 2!! :)

Anonymous said...
June 23, 2010 at 11:02 PM

I just hid in the garage today so I could have my frozen snickers all to myself!

The Funny Farm said...
June 27, 2010 at 4:23 PM

OMG, this is my life! Ya'll have got to write a book, or make this blog into one!

redfraggle37 said...
June 29, 2010 at 8:23 PM

i've missed you guys...sniff sniff...

Maria Delgado said...
July 4, 2010 at 11:25 AM

Love this post. I needed a lighter touch to the current misery that is my childs tantrum phase. Thanks for giving me a laugh. Times are tough lately and highly discouraging.

Amy Lee said...
July 5, 2010 at 2:36 PM

Are you guys on vacation? I miss you!

Anonymous said...
July 28, 2010 at 7:21 PM

Missing your witty entries that so brighten my day! Hope all is well and we get to hear from you very soon!

Niki Boesen said...
August 5, 2010 at 5:03 PM

It's not stealing. It's called an "opening tax." If I have to open it for you, I get a piece/bite/etc before you get it.

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