What NOT to wear...

DISCLAIMER (if you haven't already noticed, we throw one of those bad boys at the beginning of any post in which we fear we may horribly offend or piss people off...this post falls in that category) As I was saying...DISCLAIMER: We do not pretend to be fashion divas and we will both readily admit to our fair share of fashion faux pas. HOWEVER, we feel that since we now have our own platform in which to get word out to the masses, we have a few things that we would like to address regarding THE MOM UNIFORM.


SAHM, WFHM, WOHM...blah, blah, blah. We're all moms, we've all had our moments of "oh shit I totally look like I got dressed in the dark today". It doesn't matter what "kind" of mom you are, fact of the matter is, you don't necessarily need to dress like one. There are a few items that some may have in their closets and we at the Daily Epidural oh-so-wish that you would dispose of them. In no particular order...

1. The Mom Jeans...you know what I'm talking about. The I-think-they're-fake-denim-or-just-something-airbrushed-to-resemble-denim colored pants that button WAY higher than they should, resulting in unsightly and oh-so-unfortunate camel toe and a wider, slightly more compressed ass. Just what every woman needs, ass-spreading.  And for some reason, maybe because they button 5 inches above the belly button, the mom jeans create the phenomenon of the "front butt", that lovely pooch that puffs out in direct proportion to one's ass.  And the 'mom jeans' create all sorts of gynecological nightmares.  Can you say front wedgie? And is that a tapered leg I see? Sweet Jesus.  One should not be able to see panty lines through denim for God's sake.  Spare us all.  Burn them.  Immediately.

2. Six Flags Great America T-Shirts...or Valleyfair, Lollapalooza '95, kid peeing on the Ford symbol, etc, etc...there is a time and a place for your old tshirts emblazoned with the entire animated cast of "King of the Hill". I don't even wear shirts from this category to the gym (that would be the ONLY semi-acceptable place to wear such attire). These godawful items should be reserved for jammies or possibly repainting your bedroom. Period. Far too many grown women buy Sea World tshirts, it needs to stop. If you insist on wearing it to the grocery store, for the love of all that is good and holy PLEASE put on a fucking bra. It's bad enough that you have on a Cookie Monster tshirt...but your "girls" dangling every which way? Wrong on so many levels.

3. Embroidery...yikes, yikes, and yikes. Check in your closet...if you own ANYTHING that has been embroidered with something other than a company or business logo (ie: an animated character of ANY sort) ask yourself this question: AM I THREE??????? Whoever came up with the "genius" idea to take a full length denim dress and embroider all of the Winnie the Pooh characters on it should be drug out into the street and shot. And then strung up along a major thouroughfare wearing an entire embroidered ensemble for all to see. I don't care if "the kids like it" or if you're a kindergarten or preschool teacher. Let the kids wear that shit then. You are a grown woman. Take off the goddamn Mickey Mouse sweatshirt. NOW.

4. The head-to-toe denim look...I like denim jackets, I own two of them. However, I would never be caught dead wearing either of my denim jackets concurrently with any other denim item of clothing. Denim pieces are not meant to go together. Do not search high and low for a denim jacket to match perfectly with your favorite jeans. Wrong. Denim jacket and khaki pants? Absolutely. Jeans with a cardigan and heels? Super cute. A full length zip up denim unitard or dyed to match denim jacket and jeans AND the perfect pair of denim Keds? You don't deserve to live.

5. Basically anything that could be considered "toddler wear"...if it could be confused for an item of clothing that could possibly be found in your toddler's closet???  It's gotta go.  A tutu?  Please tell me that was for a drunken Halloween escapade (and yes, I spotted a woman wearing one...at 10 am on a Thursday...she seemed sober to me)  Footy pajamas?   Wow.  Just wow.  There are no words.

Just because we're moms doesn't mean we have to sacrifice our looks.  Our fashion energy does not have to be wasted on our kids.  I have heard far too many moms say, "but at least my kids look good" as they shlump around in flannel pants all day long.  Damn.  Really?  You think your toddler dressed in head to toe Gymboree detracts from you shuffling around in pajama pants, flip flops, your husband's old football tshirt, and a ponytail?  We all have our days.  I am sitting here in the tshirt I slept in (sans bra) and plaid pajama pants.  But I'll be damned if I'm going to leave the house looking like this.  I wouldn't even walk my oldest daughter to the bus stop in this outfit.  Be the beautiful moms we know you are, ditch the mom jeans and Winnie the Pooh gear.  It IS possible to be fashionable without looking like you're trying to be 18 again...we know you can...trust us...