Did you ever read that book "Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day"? That was my day yesterday. Times like a gazillion.
It all started when the youngest gave her usual insanely loud wake up call of "MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM".....the only problem was this particular morning it came at 5:30 am. WTF?!?!?!? Seriously? I hate you. And if I don't run in there fast enough, it wakes the other two, she's LOUD. And she'll stand there and yell and yell and yell and yell until someone, anyone comes to get her. So she's bright-eyed and bushy-tailed at 5:30 am. Shit. This is no good because for a few reasons: #1: it's 5:30 am...DUH, no sane person should be up that early unless they HAVE to be and #2: my husband is out of town this week and I don't sleep well while he's gone. Therefore I did not fall alseep the night before until well after 1 am...a mere 4 1/2 hours before her wake up call. Kill me now. So after a viewing of Toy Story, a bowl of dry cereal, her kicking over my freshly made coffee (resulting in me crying) 2 sippy cups of juice, 3 lost "nuks", some juice spilled on a "me" resulting in a mini-meltdown the other two woke up and even more madness ensued. Awesome. Here is the short version: We had 1 missing library book (not good with one more day of school left), an entire bowl of cereal dumped on the kitchen counter (WITH MILK) a fight over who had more cereal, a toddler tantrum over the show the 5 year old chose to watch, stolen toast, crying about stolen toast, the 5 year old pushing the 2 year old for stealing his toast...all nicely rounded out by a missed bus followed by an impromptu trip in the rain to the elementary school with the 5 and 2 year old in pajamas still fighting over toast.
I was already on edge and it was only 9:30 so I decided to drive the nails in the coffin a bit deeper and keep my appointment with the car dealership...bad idea. The "check tire system" light had been on for 2 weeks and I knew I needed 2 new tires and an oil change anyway so I went in. They assured me it would not take the 4 hours it had taken last time but I went in armed with an arsenal of supplies for the kids anyway. Regardless they chose to roll around on the dirty floor and play with the infested toys that had been breeding bacteria in the corner since God was a boy instead. I tried in vain to entice them with the snacks and toys I had brought along but instead found myself surrounded by other people's children instead of my own. I was like an urchin magnet. So while I fought to keep my own spawn off of the petri dish that was the floor of the waiting room they let me know that there was a "sensor" that needed to be replaced to the tune of $200...awesome. So $200 and 2 hours later we walked out and I realized I still had the same 4 tires I went in there with. I inquired about this little oversight only to be informed that the tires they needed were out of stock. Would have been nice to know. Assholes. Did I at least get my oil changed? The douchecanoe needed to check his computer to make sure. Wow. I didn't say a word, just grabbed my keys and walked out, making a mental note to stop by the CDC on the way out to have the kids leave some samples just in case.
Off to the fabric store where we only suffered a toppled display of fabric and a bump on the head after pulling down a very nicely dressed mannequin. Thank you, fine ladies of JoAnn Fabrics for being so kind and understanding and probably very pleased when we left just as quickly as we came in. Our trip to Target was not as successful. We were in a bit of a hurry as the 9 year old was getting out of school early so I had exactly 25 minutes to rush through the store, get what I needed, grab something for the other two to eat, and get home before she got off the bus. No problem. Or so I thought; based on how my day had gone up until this point I should have known better. Started off with a shitty cart so we switched about 3 minutes into our trip. Bad idea (you'll see why in a minute). Swapped the kids and stuff into the other where the toddler insisted on buckling herself in, resulting in buckling in her own finger instead. Awesome. Our trip through Target was accompanied by her wailing while I hunched over the front seat attempting to soothe her while whipping down the aisles grabbing what I needed in my haste to get out of the store in my allotted time frame. The 5 year old then dumped his juice all over his lap, my bag, the loaf of bread, and the white tshirt that I had literally JUST put into the cart. Fantastic. So now I had two crying kids and a cart full of wet, soggy, red shit. We manage to make it through the rest of the store, up to the register, and out to the parking lot unscathed...I'm rummaging through my bag and realize I can't find my keys. Start digging through another pocket and still no keys. No panic yet as I have a bag the size of Texas with unbelievable depth and many hidden nooks, crannies, and pockets...so I keep digging. And digging. Then I start dumping. And throwing. All over the parking lot. Then I start panicking. I have exactly 8 minutes to get home and get my daughter off of the bus and I have no keys. The 2 and 5 year old are sitting in the cart staring at me baking in the sun as I talk to myself and dump the contents of my purse across the parking lot of Target. I.HAVE.NO.KEYS. They were nowhere to be found. Not in my purse. Not in the cart. Not in any of the shopping bags. I quickly call a neighbor who was amazingly on her way TO Target but was wonderful enough to turn around, grab my kid, break into my house, get my extra set of car keys, and bring both to me...shit.
So I gather my shit and my kids and trudge back into Target where I ask the girl-child at customer service if anyone has turned in a set of car keys. No such luck. Shit shit shit. It is now 1:30 my children have not eaten lunch and they are hot, sweaty, and tired. Giant pretzels for lunch are acceptable as long as I serve carrots and apples on the side, right? Perfect. They were happy for the time being and I just wanted a stiff drink. Unfortunately Target doesn't serve Margaritas. My girlfriend showed up with my keys and my other kid and I ran out to check for keys to be potentially IN my car...no such luck. So when I switched carts at the beginning of our Target trip, the keys stayed behind. So someone else was wandering Target unknowingly with my keys and I still have no idea where they are. They have a super lost and found system in place though...write your name and number down on a piece of paper they ripped off of the register. Flawless.
Don't ask about the rest of my day. Because then I'll have to tell you about the bag of paid for merchandise that was left behind at the register at Target after we walked through the second time, the "puffy paint incident" involving the 2 year old, the potions created by the 9 and 5 year old in the upstairs bathroom (nail polish remover WILL eat through plastic cups...just an FYI), almost missing the 9 year old's 6:30 appointment (resulting in the 2 and 5 year old eating mac and cheese in the car...that will be fun to clean up) and the late night wrestling match...the 9 and 5 year old have matching goose-eggs on their foreheads. I didn't care when it happened and I don't care now. They're both still alive. Super.
I was telling a friend about my day after I had put the kids to bed finally and was drinking wine straight from the bottle. She laughed and said "yeah, right". Like I could make this shit up. I couldn't if I tried. I wish I could have. We realize that we can be entertaining but even I'm not this creative. My day fucking sucked donkey balls. Hardcore. By 10 am I wanted to go back to bed, wake up and have it be October. I know we've all had those days and I just wanted to share mine so that the next time you have yours, you just don't feel alone. I'll scoot over and make room in the padded cell for ya...