Brought to you by the letter K...

So my son is 5 and will be starting kindergarten next year.  I have been working feverishly with him on learning his letters.  We have damn near everything you could think of to help him with this.  Every book on the market, every irritating toy, every learning tool, every set of flashcards, every damn refrigerator frog contraption that mysteriously turns on at night and begins to sing "B says BUH..every letter makes a sound..." yep, that one.  I feel as if I've tried everything.  I even went so far as to MAKE the child a special book of Star Wars characters that correspond to each letter of the alphabet.  I'm at my wits end.  He just doesn't give a shit...

He has spent the past year in pre-k at a wonderful school here in lovely southern Maryland with fabulous teachers in what I thought was a fantastic program.  All the other kids seemed to be doing so well and progressing rapidly.  Not the case with my kid.  He just doesn't give a shit.  I can't even tell you how many times I've picked him up from school and asked what letter he learned about that day (they'll spend a few days on a certain letter) and he'd think about it for a minute, look at me with a confused look on his face and say somewhat questioningly "Um, two?"  Holy shit.  And we PAID to send him there.  Every now and then we'll get lucky and he'll get a few letters right when we're working on them at night as we read books (because I make him do his Star Wars letter book before I'll read him ANYTHING about Transformers or Lightning McQueen).  The thing is, he's a smart kid.  He just can't be bothered.  He just doesn't care right now.  His teachers never seemed all that concerned, they said it was perfectly normal.  Huh.  I've never really equated Alex with normal but whatever.  Anyway, fast forward to a trip to Target.

We're strolling the aisles and I'm haphazardly throwing things into the cart, crossing them off my list (I know, I actually had a LIST...and guess what else??  The two year old was SITTING!!!!!!!)  Anyway...several items were landing in the 5 year old's lap and he was disregarding them and tossing them aside in favor of a straw he was wielding as a light saber.  Now, I was recently put onto a medication for my migraines that has created some Sahara-like conditions "down there".  Somewhat unpleasant.  Therefore my doctor recommended picking up a certain lady product to remedy said unpleasantness.  I grabbed said product and tossed it into the cart in the same manner I had tossed the other dozen or so items previously.  But for whatever reason THIS was the one thing that snapped the 5 year old out of his Anakin-like reverie.  It was like slow motion.  The box flew into the cart.  The straw was set aside.  The little hand reached out to pick up the box.  He inspected it very carefully.  The two bold letters stared up at him like a challenge.  READ ME, they said.  We dare you.  I am pretty sure I stopped breathing.  Odds are pretty good I had turned as blue as the letters on said box.  I waited.  He turned and looked up at me and in a voice louder than I had ever heard him use (of course) he said "Mom, what does K-Y spell?"  HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT.  Heads whipped around from every end of that aisle, and I'm pretty sure there were about 52 people in that aisle, not even kidding.  They all edged closer, dying to hear my answer.  I pretended not to hear.  My son chooses NOW to learn letters???  He chooses THOSE of all letters?  In that fucking order?  Off of that fucking package???  HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT.  He says it louder "MOM???  WHAT DOES K-Y SPELL?"  Looking down, pretending to be horribly interested in my list I mutter, "It doesn't spell anything buddy, it's a special lotion"  hoping that would shut him up.  Nope, wrong.  "Like a lotion that you put on my mouth when it hurts?"  Sweet Lord above.  People kept edging closer.  I am now cursing the stock manager for not having the Up and Up generic version on the shelf, I'm mentally drafting out the letter that I'm going to write when I get home for forcing me to purchase the name brand product...assholes.  "No, buddy, it's a lotion for mommy".  He ponders this.  "Oh, is it for your mouth?"  OH. MY. GOD.  I start to make my way out of the aisle yet all of a sudden find it blocked on both ends.  Seriously???  People are now glancing up at me, some sympathetically, some unabashedly staring and openly giggling.  FUCK.  Kill me now.  "No, bud...it's not for my mouth"  As we finally make our great escape the last thing the patrons in that aisle hear is my son saying "Maybe dad can tell me what K-Y spells..."