Pets are not people...

In the spirit of our Nobel Peace Prize-worthy Public Service Announcement week - here is another one, and of course, we apologize in advance for any offense this may cause...because it will. That being said, here it goes.


PETS ARE NOT PEOPLE. They are not. Plain and simple. I feel a bit "Nazi-like" when I say that I am not a pet person. I do have a gold fish. We have chosen not to have pets for several reasons.  Just like some people choose to not have children (but in my defense, my kids don't chew on shoes, leave ridiculous amounts of hair on my black clothing, lick their private parts, sniff other dog's asses or female crotches and poop in my yard) I have caught my 7 year old peeing in the yard on several occasions, but I think we have nipped that little habit....we hope. So yes, pets are not people. I know several families that treat their dogs/cats/etc. with more kindness and respect than they treat other humans. These animals have more posh and privilege in their life than I do. And please note, just because you love love love your dog, it does not mean that I welcome him sitting on my lap, legs splayed so that I can scratch Buster's belly. F-ing yuck. And then you laugh and think it is sooooo cute. "OH look, Buster loves you." Yes, clearly, and he loves humping my leg too but how do I let Buster and his bad ass breath know that I do not share the same affection - without offending you? And no, I do not think Poppy looks adorable in her sweater. Really? Clothes for dogs? I saw a dog the other day with rain boots. That owner should be taken into a dark black alley and beaten. And then made to wear little yellow rain boots too. Do you think the dog enjoys that? Do you think Poppy woke up that morning and thought "Oh Boy Oh Boy Oh Boy! I hope I get to wear my doggy rain slicker and boots today when we go to the grocery store." I guarantee you, Poppy was thinking "Crap. It is raining. I bet I have to wear that f-ing rain coat and gay-ass boots. I hope we don't run into any other dogs I know."

If you are going to treat your dog like a person, treat him like a person that has at least a shred of self-respect. And that is another thing. Do animals really enjoy running errands with their owner? Would the dog know that you went to Target and Home Depot without him? Would that lack of inclusion throw the dog into a depression and state of withdrawal therefore resulting in less snuggle time when you came home from said errands - or a big old dump in the middle of the living room that says "Listen here bitch. I like sitting in the car with my head poking out the cracked window wildly barking at other shoppers while you pick out tile at Home Depot. I like eating the head rest and drooling on the dash board while you get toilet paper at Target, and THE NEXT TIME YOU DON'T F-ING TAKE ME I WILL EAT EVERYTHING YOU OWN AND PEE IN EVERY CORNER OF THIS HOUSE WHILE YOU ARE GONE"

So, maybe a pet fanatic (if you are brave enough to step forward at this point - and are still friends with us) could enlighten those of us that do not understand:

Do pets really need gourmet microwavable meals? Do they know that it is an option other than dry kibble?

Do they like to wear "clothes"? Really?

Is the dog you reference on your answering machine really going to call me back? God I hope not.

Does he get a better night's sleep in your bed vs. the doggy bed that you bought him...or the rug in the back hall? I don't like to wake up to my husband's breath. I can't imagine starting my day with dog dragon breath greeting me.

And when your dog is licking my freshly shaved and lotioned legs, thank you for intervening. When he insists on sitting in MY lap and clearly did not invite this activity, yes, no need to ask. You can remove him. And it is NEVER ok for your dog to engage my leg in any part of his ritualistic mating activities. Never. NOPE NEVER. Same with crotch sniffing. I don't let my husband casually stick his head there, so it is not ok for your dog either. And....oh this is a big one and the source of my poor lawn-loving husband's disdain. We do not have dogs because we like to let our kids run into the grass barefoot with reckless abandon and freedom. If your dog decides that our carpet-like green landscape looks like an awesome spot for a bathroom break, CLEAN IT UP. No matter where you are...the park, the parking lot, the sidewalk, Mars....I don't care. Clean it up. I would not change a shitty diaper and leave it on the grassy knoll at the park, so don't leave your dog's shit there either.

Maybe I am missing out. Maybe I am a cold, bitter sinister soul because I have not yet embraced the selfless love and honest companionship an animal provides.  We kind of get the relationship that families have with their pets but when one starts shopping at Gymboree for their animal???  Sweet Jesus.  If you buy organic foods for your animal yet feed your children Spagettios?  Really?  Buy allergy medications for your dog yet won't vaccinate your kids?  Hmmmm....  Maybe this will just be one of those things where the DE sisters will agree to disagree with some of our readers, so carry on Poppy, carry on...

16 comments:

steph-an-ie said...
June 7, 2010 at 9:55 AM

I love reading your blog everyday! I feel the need to chime in with a little bit of a different perspective. My minature dauschund is my first child and always will be. He sleeps in our bed most nights, is in our family photos, and goes out with us as much as possible. I take him for his yearly check up and teeth cleaning just as I do with my daughter. I also though do not dress him up because I know he hates it, I make him eat on the floor and do not feed him human food. I do not ever take him anywhere that he can not come inside with me. I don't want to wear crazy clothes or sit in a hot/cold car so why make him. I always pick up after a bathroom break just as you would with your human child, he does not lick, jump, or (disgusting) hump anyone. I wouldn't want my daughter why would I let him. Sometimes I think he is my favorite because he listens far better then she does but don't tell her. ;) I suppose the long point I am trying to make is just as there are horrible parents to human children that should be shot the same goes for parents to furry children! <3

Rae said...
June 7, 2010 at 10:16 AM

Thank you, thank you, thank you!!!!! I do not understand the pet obsession either! Start adding in doggy daycare, pet massage therapists and pet psychologists and pretty soon we won't have to worry about computers taking over the world, it will be dogs. :o) Seriously, I can't stand to see a dog (service dogs excepted, but I've never actually seen one) in the grocery store while I'm shopping! YUCK! And please don't share your popsicles with your dog while I'm trying to eat...or ever for that matter. Of course maybe I'm a bit bitter. After all, I had a mother who caused my brother and I great excitement when we came home one day to find her cooking rice and hamburger meat thinking she was actually making us dinner when in fact the meal was for the dog and we were on our own with whatever we nuked in the microwave. :o)

Heather said...
June 7, 2010 at 10:21 AM

OMG, thank you for writing this one, well.. all of them! I just had an encounter with a freakin' ugly poodle at my kids baseball game. I was wearing black pants and the damn thing kept curling up next to me on the bleachers. Really? The lady kept joking around about her "princess" not wanting to lay on the grass. Are you kidding me? It's a dog for crying out loud! My tongue was probably bleeding from having to bite it so hard. It took all I had to not yell at that scrawny little puffball. Why do pet lovers not get the fact that not all people are pet lovers? I hope the masses read this and get a clue! Thanks!

sara said...
June 7, 2010 at 10:24 AM

After reading this, I have decided that I am the only responsible pet owner in the world. I do not take my dog on errands, I clean up after her, I do not allow her on the furniture,and she gets regular kibble, and plain tap water. When we have guests, she is locked up so the guest can visit with us comfortably. WOW, people actually put clothes on their dogs???

Anonymous said...
June 7, 2010 at 11:46 AM

Sorry-against you on this one. My dog doesn't drool any worse than my friends babies, and she drools outside while my friends let their babies drool all over my furniture. I'll take a well mannered dog anytime over a screaming kid.

Michelle said...
June 7, 2010 at 1:20 PM

Hallelujah! And add to that:

Why do family members who have dogs insist on bringing them to our house when they visit? Without asking?

Anne and Carrie said...
June 7, 2010 at 2:33 PM

*Anonymous*...totally cool...thanks for having the guts to post against us, we like that people still read us who have opposing viewpoints, that's the cool part about having a "platform" like this; we know that we can post our opinion knowing full well that there are countless others out there with the opposite opinion and we LOVE that you guys are willing to share yours! And amen on the drooling babies! I'm sorry if my baby ever drooled on your shit by the way...

The Creative Gal said...
June 7, 2010 at 3:02 PM

I'm in-between here and there. I'm a pet owner, but I don't dress my dog (or cats), don't let them eat human food, clean up after their mess in the yard (or others if on a walk) and I also consider my dog and cats the 'first born' kids I ever had. For years we didn't know if we were going to be able to have children, so my pets became my kids.

Just a little word of advice...be upfront with family and friends if you don't want to hold, touch or have something to do with your pet. I’d rather know then find out like I did a few weeks ago. After almost 5 years of living in our neighborhood, and my neighbor presenting herself as a 'dog/pet lover', I caught her yelling and chasing my dog and a neighbor's dog (who comes over to play with ours) with a shovel to get out of her yard and I swear she was about to hit one of them! The dogs weren't in her yard. I was watching from around the corner of the house (backyard) and they were clearly on my property. She came running from the front of her house, shovel in hand and raised. I said "What the he11 are you doing?" She said they were in her yard, so I reminded her that the cement drainage area was on the property line! Her yard did not come 6 feet into mine! I've not received an apology from her for about whopping my dog with a shovel. Had I known she really didn’t like pets, I’d keep my dog tied up more often. I guess I shouldn't be too surprised that she was acting like this. Her husband has to keep the family dog at his workshop 3 miles from the house and she thinks it's o.k. to weed my flower bed...which I let her do because I hate weeding! Old bag!

The Creative Gal said...
June 7, 2010 at 3:02 PM

I'm in-between here and there. I'm a pet owner, but I don't dress my dog (or cats), don't let them eat human food, clean up after their mess in the yard (or others if on a walk) and I also consider my dog and cats the 'first born' kids I ever had. For years we didn't know if we were going to be able to have children, so my pets became my kids.
Just a little word of advice...be upfront with family and friends if you don't want to hold, touch or have something to do with your pet. I’d rather know then find out like I did a few weeks ago. After almost 5 years of living in our neighborhood, and my neighbor presenting herself as a 'dog/pet lover', I caught her yelling and chasing my dog and a neighbor's dog (who comes over to play with ours) with a shovel to get out of her yard and I swear she was about to hit one of them! The dogs weren't in her yard. I was watching from around the corner of the house (backyard) and they were clearly on my property. She came running from the front of her house, shovel in hand and raised. I said "What the he11 are you doing?" She said they were in her yard, so I reminded her that the cement drainage area was on the property line! Her yard did not come 6 feet into mine! I've not received an apology from her for about whopping my dog with a shovel. Had I known she really didn’t like pets, I’d keep my dog tied up more often. I guess I shouldn't be too surprised that she was acting like this. Her husband has to keep the family dog at his workshop 3 miles from the house and she thinks it's o.k. to weed my flower bed...which I let her do because I hate weeding! Old bag!

The Creative Gal said...
June 7, 2010 at 3:02 PM

I'm in-between here and there. I'm a pet owner, but I don't dress my dog (or cats), don't let them eat human food, clean up after their mess in the yard (or others if on a walk) and I also consider my dog and cats the 'first born' kids I ever had. For years we didn't know if we were going to be able to have children, so my pets became my kids.

Just a little word of advice...be upfront with family and friends if you don't want to hold, touch or have something to do with your pet. I’d rather know then find out like I did a few weeks ago. After almost 5 years of living in our neighborhood, and my neighbor presenting herself as a 'dog/pet lover', I caught her yelling and chasing my dog and a neighbor's dog (who comes over to play with ours) with a shovel to get out of her yard and I swear she was about to hit one of them! The dogs weren't in her yard. I was watching from around the corner of the house (backyard) and they were clearly on my property. She came running from the front of her house, shovel in hand and raised. I said "What the he11 are you doing?" She said they were in her yard, so I reminded her that the cement drainage area was on the property line! Her yard did not come 6 feet into mine! I've not received an apology from her for about whopping my dog with a shovel. Had I known she really didn’t like pets, I’d keep my dog tied up more often. I guess I shouldn't be too surprised that she was acting like this. Her husband has to keep the family dog at his workshop 3 miles from the house and she thinks it's o.k. to weed my flower bed...which I let her do because I hate weeding! Old bag!

Heather said...
June 7, 2010 at 4:14 PM

I just had an experience with a crazy pet owner at my kids baseball game so today's post makes me love you girls even more!
I was wearing black pants and this freakin ugly white poodle kep nuzzling up next to me on the bleachers. I kept moving over and biting my tongue. My tongue was probably bleeding because it took all that I had not to yell at that scrawny puffball. The owner kept giggling and telling her friend that her little "princess" didn't want to lay in the grass. Are you kidding me? It's a dog, not my personal leg warmer. I hope the masses read todays post and some crazy pet owners get a clue that we are not ALL in love with their pets.

Anonymous said...
June 7, 2010 at 5:03 PM

I have a 17 year old cat who is really sick. She is very special to me and I feel very sad when I think about losing her. I also have another cat and a dog. I say all of that to say that I do have some cred as a pet person. I went to the vet the other day to get said cat a "sample of chew flavors - let us know which chew she likes best and we will compound her meds into that flavor." I even got behind that - you would too if you ever tried to give a pill to a cat. But sitting in that waiting room on a Saturday morning I felt as if I had entered the twilight zone. Sitting next to me was a tiny poodle in a Harley Davidson leather jacket. And hat. A leather freaking hat. The owner kept adjusting her hat and had a two way conversation with the dog about "You love mommy so much." And she was the most down to earth person in the room with me. I sat there with my jaw hanging open. It was at that point that I realized that, as Janine Garafalo - however she spells it - would say, I love my pets, I just don't LOVE my pets.

Meg said...
June 8, 2010 at 1:40 PM

I think I'm a relatively normal person, and I do a few of the things on your list - but I do try to manage my dog around other people!! My dog is a rescue, and has some behavioral issues, so I can't leave him home alone or he will eat my doors/doorframes. So, I do take him if I have to go somewhere, and he is totally fine in the car. I don't allow him to jump on people, especially if they are not dog people, and I don't bring him inside any store or friends' house where he has not been expressly invited. He also goes to doggie-daycare, but only so he doesn't destroy our house. I think there are lots of people obsessed with their pets, that make the poor things miserable & unhealthy just by the way they are treated, basically becoming like bratty children. I hope I'm not one of those pet owners! :) I love my dog, but I don't put him on a pedestal & assume everything he does is cute or perfect. ;)

Nickole said...
June 15, 2010 at 5:58 PM

Amen! Took my little man to the park today. As we are walking around the lake, gazing at the ducks, and a lady walks by wearing a baby carrier. In it, low and behold, was a toy poodle. Good times :)

Carrie said...
June 21, 2010 at 4:54 PM

I am a couple weeks late on this...I got a new job and didn't have the URL on my new computer...but I have to respond to this one!

My dogs are my children (for now anyway). I do not feed them crazy things, or do anything too out of the norm. I have two dogs, one occasionally wears clothes and the other one does not. One of my dogs actually mopes around the house if I try to cloth her. Do I think clothes on animal are cute? No, not really. Honestly, my husband totally hates it...so I mainly do it just to drive him nuts every now and then! :) Do my dogs sleep in my bed? Of course! They are 3 and 5 pounds, they do not take up much room...and I get way more sleep if they are in my bed versus if I put them in another room. We tried that for a few nights and they cried the entire night long. Not worth it. If my dogs ever jump up on anyone I always tell them to let me know if they do not want my dog on their lap, or to push them off. Seriously, I bet a lot people (men, hopefully) have eaten steaks larger than my dogs. They don't bite, push them off you. Don't be afraid to say something to us crazy pet owners.

Lastly, for the person who was at a baseball game in black pants with the poodle. Poodles have hair, not fur...therefore they do not shed and you will not get white on your pants! Just had to add that in!

Love your blog! I'm glad I found the URL again..it's my favorite way to start the morning!

Anonymous said...
January 16, 2011 at 2:48 AM

A chiropractor I used to visit sent my husband and I a letter stating that he had just become certified in animal chiropractics.

Wha?!?

Now, why in the world does Skippy/Fifi/Bruiser or Rover need spinal adjustments?

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