In the spirit of our Nobel Peace Prize-worthy Public Service Announcement week - here is another one, and of course, we apologize in advance for any offense this may cause...because it will. That being said, here it goes.
PETS ARE NOT PEOPLE. They are not. Plain and simple. I feel a bit "Nazi-like" when I say that I am not a pet person. I do have a gold fish. We have chosen not to have pets for several reasons. Just like some people choose to not have children (but in my defense, my kids don't chew on shoes, leave ridiculous amounts of hair on my black clothing, lick their private parts, sniff other dog's asses or female crotches and poop in my yard) I have caught my 7 year old peeing in the yard on several occasions, but I think we have nipped that little habit....we hope. So yes, pets are not people. I know several families that treat their dogs/cats/etc. with more kindness and respect than they treat other humans. These animals have more posh and privilege in their life than I do. And please note, just because you love love love your dog, it does not mean that I welcome him sitting on my lap, legs splayed so that I can scratch Buster's belly. F-ing yuck. And then you laugh and think it is sooooo cute. "OH look, Buster loves you." Yes, clearly, and he loves humping my leg too but how do I let Buster and his bad ass breath know that I do not share the same affection - without offending you? And no, I do not think Poppy looks adorable in her sweater. Really? Clothes for dogs? I saw a dog the other day with rain boots. That owner should be taken into a dark black alley and beaten. And then made to wear little yellow rain boots too. Do you think the dog enjoys that? Do you think Poppy woke up that morning and thought "Oh Boy Oh Boy Oh Boy! I hope I get to wear my doggy rain slicker and boots today when we go to the grocery store." I guarantee you, Poppy was thinking "Crap. It is raining. I bet I have to wear that f-ing rain coat and gay-ass boots. I hope we don't run into any other dogs I know."
So, maybe a pet fanatic (if you are brave enough to step forward at this point - and are still friends with us) could enlighten those of us that do not understand:
Do pets really need gourmet microwavable meals? Do they know that it is an option other than dry kibble?
Do they like to wear "clothes"? Really?
Is the dog you reference on your answering machine really going to call me back? God I hope not.
Does he get a better night's sleep in your bed vs. the doggy bed that you bought him...or the rug in the back hall? I don't like to wake up to my husband's breath. I can't imagine starting my day with dog dragon breath greeting me.
And when your dog is licking my freshly shaved and lotioned legs, thank you for intervening. When he insists on sitting in MY lap and clearly did not invite this activity, yes, no need to ask. You can remove him. And it is NEVER ok for your dog to engage my leg in any part of his ritualistic mating activities. Never. NOPE NEVER. Same with crotch sniffing. I don't let my husband casually stick his head there, so it is not ok for your dog either. And....oh this is a big one and the source of my poor lawn-loving husband's disdain. We do not have dogs because we like to let our kids run into the grass barefoot with reckless abandon and freedom. If your dog decides that our carpet-like green landscape looks like an awesome spot for a bathroom break, CLEAN IT UP. No matter where you are...the park, the parking lot, the sidewalk, Mars....I don't care. Clean it up. I would not change a shitty diaper and leave it on the grassy knoll at the park, so don't leave your dog's shit there either.
Maybe I am missing out. Maybe I am a cold, bitter sinister soul because I have not yet embraced the selfless love and honest companionship an animal provides. We kind of get the relationship that families have with their pets but when one starts shopping at Gymboree for their animal??? Sweet Jesus. If you buy organic foods for your animal yet feed your children Spagettios? Really? Buy allergy medications for your dog yet won't vaccinate your kids? Hmmmm.... Maybe this will just be one of those things where the DE sisters will agree to disagree with some of our readers, so carry on Poppy, carry on...