Don't "sweat" least not often...

Ok, so I fully admitted via Facebook one day last week that I was unshowered and SO greasy that the water was probably going to repel from my hair...and it did.  I should have taken one poster's suggestion of using Dawn dishwashing liquid because after all "it takes grease out of your way".  Duh...I should listen next time.  It took about 6 rounds of "lather, rinse, repeat" to get myself looking somewhat human again.  Whatever it takes, right?  Many of you told me that you had been in the same boat...which makes ANY mom feel better to know that other moms had been there, done that.

But here's the thing...the homeless woman, greasy, non-showering, unpleasantness is NOT a regular occurrence.  Spending the day in sweats does not happen on a consistent basis.  I do not make it a habit to schlub around in my scrubbiest clothes multiple days out of the week.  Simply put, I do NOT try to look like shit semi-weekly.  Yet many moms do.  Scratch that.  I shouldn't say they TRY to look like shit.  We all wake up looking like shit.  No one wakes up pretty.  If you think you do, you're full of yourself and delusional and we're probably not friends in real life because you suck for thinking that highly of yourself.  It's the women who MAINTAIN the overall shittiness day in an day out without any effort towards making it go away.  On a regular basis.  More than once a week...or twice or even three times a week.  Shit is just WRONG.

I work from home, as many moms do, therefore this lends itself quite nicely to staying in jammies maybe once a week.  MAYBE once a week.  No need to shower, shave, and get all pretty if I'm not going anywhere but my basement to work with only the two-year-old for company, right?  Even if I AM staying home to work I at least still shower...maybe put pj's back on but whatever, don't judge...But if I am leaving my house you bet your ass I'm in the shower, put on some decent clothes, make-up and am looking relatively decent to go out amongst the public.  I cannot wrap my brain around the moms who go out in public looking like they just rolled out of bed.  Familiar with the concepts of self-respect and self-worth?  Don't you feel better about yourself if you take some time to look even a tiny bit attractive?  I'm not talking Real Housewives of Orange County shit in full make-up and an outfit suited for a night out clubbing.  Hell, you can make yoga pants and a hoodie look good if you TRY. 

Riddle me this...why are some women's kids decked out in head-to-toe matching outfits, shoes, hair accessories, with perfectly styled hair and mom looks like she got dressed in a dark closet after just having pulled what was crammed under her bed and stepped from the nearest wind tunnel?  I just don't get it, I really don't.  I can't tell you how often I read of moms who admit having gone DAYS...multiple DAYS without showering or changing clothes.  Yummy.  I'm a mom too.  I get it.  I get how overwhelming and exhausting it can be and how difficult it can be to even find 3 minutes to take a shit by yourself (and that rarely, if ever, happens) let alone take a shower.  But don't you just feel better about yourself as a woman and a mom if you can find time to take a 2 minute shower and dig out some clean underwear?  Maybe slap on some mascara and some jeans instead of sweats?  Put on a cute shirt instead of digging a grubby sweatshirt out of the hamper that has lunch leftovers smeared across the front or are those boogers?  Hard to tell...but does it really matter?  Shit is just WRONG...

photo courtesy of Fussy Pants
Like I said, I've had my days.  We all have.  We have our days when our periods make us feel fat, bloated, and miserable.  A cold has us so run-down that getting dressed is not an option.  Being awake all night nursing a baby makes showering seem like an impossible task.  I GET THAT.  I really do.  I've been that mom that has spent the day smelling like sour milk.  I've been that mom who is so congested from a head cold I'm only grateful that I can't smell myself.  I've been that mom who is so cranky and pms'ing and feels so "fluffy" that sweats are the ONLY FUCKING THING that are going on my body that day.  I've had to schlep the older two to school after they missed the bus wearing ladybug pajama pants, a pink hoodie, my winter coat, Uggs, glasses, and MIGHT have brushed my hair...but I didn't get out of the car, I just slowed down long enough for them to roll free of the back tires.  Anyway...the point being, I GET IT.  I'VE DONE IT.  But we ALL know moms who have way too many days like this far too often and just claim that "there is no time" and they just don't bother.  I feel sorry for them.  I feel sorry for the moms who forgot what it was like to make themselves LOOK and FEEL good.  Not only for themselves but for their spouse.  I do myself up for myself AND my husband.  He doesn't need me to be in a housedress, high heels, fresh lipstick, and pearls everyday when he gets home but shit...I can at least have showered and have on a pair of clean underwear for God's hard is that?

If someone can PLEASE clue me in to the mystery that is the schlubby, frumpy mom...I would be so appreciative.  Please explain to me the phenomenon that is the mom who does not give a shit the majority of the time.  I've heard the "I'm not vain" or "I don't care what other people think" bullshit before and I'm not buying it.  There is a direct correlation between LOOKING GOOD and FEELING GOOD.  So moms who are having a shitty ass day, sometimes all it takes is a little bit of make-up, a cute outfit, and getting the fuck out of the house...can't hurt, right?  Might even help...ya never please, if you have some insight into the habitual schlumpadinka, do tell...I'm dying to know..

Prankster Friday

That's what my kids are calling today...creative geniuses, huh?  They're huge fans of those cheesy, lame-ass shows like "Funniest Home Videos" and we saw a program on some other channel that was all about pranks and they just about pissed themselves watching it.  SO they were consipiratorial and giggly last night when they went to bed and BOTH woke up without prompting today which instantly put me on my guard.  Luckily those little shits aren't out to prank me (because I would have been PISSED if they had tried to Saran Wrap my toilet...because #1 that shit ain't cheap and #2 I usually stumble to the bathroom half asleep so I would have been an excellent candidate for that one to actually work...they would have been scrubbing the toilet/floor with their toothbrushes).

They are out to prank each other...yet keep talking TO EACH OTHER about different pranks.  See, creative geniuses..I told ya.  I've been watching and listening and wanting to point out the HUGE flaw in their plan.  Really fucking hard to prank someone when the someone you are going to prank is your accomplice.  Oh yeah, super smart.  I'm so proud.  So child #2 comes down into the kitchen and his first "prank" on his sister is to....wait for it...put her juice box in her lunch box for her.  Wow.  Seriously?  He was so freaking excited about it I was not about to piss in his Cheerios with the insight that that was one of the lamest fucking pranks I had ever heard.  SO I preemptively went upstairs to clue #1 in on what the "prank" was so she would respond appropriately.  WELL...let me just say she will NOT be up for an Academy Award for her acting skills anytime soon.  #2 ended up in tears that his prank was dumb (yeah, ya think???) and #1 was NOT helping by telling him "well buddy, that's not really a prank" which just made him cry harder.  I wanted to punch her and sign her up for acting classes. 

SO fast forward a few minutes to scrambling to get ready for the bus...#1 asks #2 where his fake spider is.  WOW...again.  Super fucking geniuses.  He goes and gets it for her out of his room and she giggles and runs away to the bathroom.  12 seconds later she asks him if he has to go to the bathroom before they leave for school.  You have GOT to be fucking kidding me.  I am inwardly screaming at them how lame they are and how much they suck balls at pranking.  He looks at her like she's got a penis growing out of her forehead and says no.  She asks if he's REALLY SURE???  Sweet Jesus Lord above you guys are HORRIBLE and I'm embarassed for you.  So she tries another tactic to get him into the shitter (where, DUH she's got the fake spider that he HAD JUST HANDED HER sitting on the toilet seat)  WOW.

"hey buddy, do you need a tissue"
"no" (rolls his eyes at her)
"are you sure"
"uh, yeah I'm sure" (now giving her looks of total disdain)
"UM, can you get ME a tissue?"
"probably not"

So she is watching her brilliant prank unravel before her very eyes and asks me if I need a tissue.  HOLY FUCKING SHIT.  No, I don't need a tissue and you need to get your lame ass on the bus...get out of my house before I disown both of you and your sad, pitiful, sub-standard skills.  So as they leave, they start conspiring about what pranks they can pull on me when they get home from school.   Oh boy, I can't wait...but in the meantime I'm going to come up with some KICK ASS pranks for those little shits that will make them terrified beyond any reasonable doubt to come anywhere near me with a matter how lame...

Now I just need some ideas...bring it on... ;) THEY ARE GOING DOWN MUTHAFUCKAS!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Yep, I'm *THAT* mom...

I went grocery shopping the other day and the spawn was making it difficult to get through the bowels of super Hell-Mart so I bribed her with my iPhone and powdered sugar donuts.  I drew the line at sharing my diet coke so I got her a Snapple instead...yeah, way better.  Other mothers glanced my way with looks of disgust as they eyed my offspring covered in processed sugar while she stared glassy-eyed at Dora the Explorer blaring out of my phone via Netflix while their little darlings (who were manufactured in petri dishes, no doubt) were reciting Neitzsche and enjoying an package of organic fruit snacks (that mom had brought from home, not ripped from the shelves then handed half eaten to the girl at the register).

Yeah, whatever...I'm THAT mom.  Just these minor indiscretions made me think of all of the other things that make me THAT mom and how little I actually give a shit...cuz guess what?  My kids are still alive, healthy, and for the most part, happy and well-adjusted...(yes, their college funds can be earmarked for therapy, just in case...)  Some of the issues that MOST parents seem to be overly concerned with or focus a great deal of attention on and my take on them, just a little glimpse into how I do shit 'round here (this could explain A LOT...)

Well, we tried the no cable thing...that lasted ALMOST a year, not too shabby huh?  It's not on 24 hours a day but I don't set timers for how long they can watch, I just can't get on board with that shit and let's be honest, if I shut the TV off that means *I* have to do something with them and that's just not always appealing.  I DO however put some limitations on what they can watch.  My husband feels if it is animated it means kids can watch it...hmmm...ever watched Family Guy?  A drunken dog stumbling around with a martini and a perverted baby trying to pick up hookers from his carseat does NOT scream Playhouse Disney to me...but TV isn't all bad, the 2 year old can count to ten Spanish.

They eat junk food.  Yep, they do.  If I went to take a picture of my pantry right now you WOULD see sugar cereals, processed foods, and shit with ingredients you can't pronounce.  Yes, they eat fruits and vegetables and I make relatively decent meals for dinner.  Does dinner come from a box sometimes, you bet your ass it does!  I love some of my friends dearly but do you REALLY need to make EVERY.FUCKING.THING from scratch???  That Little House on the Prairie bullshit ain't my style.  They get fruit snacks, pizza rolls, and Cheetos.  We've done a "totally popcorn dinner" before and I was the coolest fucking mom EVER (for like a day).  They've tried soda, the toddler gets more juice than she probably should, and yes...more than one of them has had Doritos for breakfast.  I'm admittedly too cheap for organic and according to some, that makes ME the asshole because I'm not concerned with where our food comes from and what I feed my family. Whatever.  I'm a good cook and a good mom but if they decide they want *GASP* hot dogs 3 nights in a row when dad is out of town and the two year old wants a cheeseburger for breakfast...what the fuck ever...I choose my battles and sometimes those little shits win.  No one is malnourished or morbidly obese so YAY me, everyone is still alive and moderately healthy.  Score.  Should probably incorporate more fiber into the toddler's diet though because she cries at the thought of taking a shit...

I became a middle school teacher for a reason, I don't have the patience or the tolerance for being hands-on for hours in a row.  I couldn't do preschool or anything with little kids, just thinking about it makes me want to drink.  God gave me independent children for a reason.  My kids like to play on their own, half the time if I try to engage in a tea party with Barbie and the Zhu Zhu pets or a battle I get yelled at because I'm doing it wrong.  Okie dokie, you're on your own you tiny little tea party Hitler.  Yep, I play with them...we play games, we color, we go outside.  But I'm not a fucking Gymboree instructor therefore we will not be playing with sensory toys from 9:00-9:30, finger painting from 10:15-10:45, with a light snack at 10:46.  So do I play with them constantly?  Will you walk in my house at any given time and see me fully engaged on the floor with the Little People farm playset?  Do we hold hands and sing nursery rhymes all day long?  Nope, because I'm *THAT* mom.

Technically this could go under the food category but this tends to be such a HUGE issue for so many parents I figured it deserved it's own moment in the spotlight.  I'm a treat person.  I LOVE me some sugar.  I can be painfully full from a huge meal but if you walk by me with a tray of cupcakes, I will take your ass down.  Period.  My kids know that treats don't flow freely in my house and they need to ask for them.  However, my petite little demon baby chewed through the lock on the pantry door and has been found literally SCALING the shelves in the pantry to help herself to a snack.  Whatever, she didn't fall AND was so proud of herself for her success who the fuck am I to take away her fruit snacks???  But the standing rule is you must ask...Do they always get what they ask for?  Nope, if that was the case they'd have cupcakes for breakfast, Oreos for lunch, and pudding for dinner.  But yes, they get "treats" every now and then.  They each get a little sweet thing in their lunchbox every day and we occasionally have dessert after dinner.  Ever seen what happens to those kids who aren't allowed to eat that shit?  They are the ones who hide under the cake table at little Johnny's birthday party and every now and then you'll see a grubby little hand reach from under the tablecloth to snatch a handful of the forbidden fruit because mommy won't let him have it. Why the fuck not?  Everything in moderation folks, little Timmy and Susie aren't destined to a life of obesity if they get a fucking Twinkie in the lunch box every now and then.  The parents who fuck with their kids food and so rigidly control what they can and cannot eat are raising kids with eating disorders.  There, I said it...because I'm *THAT* mom.

I'll just leave you all with that glimpse into my life and what kind of mom I am, you all know my take on sleeping...those demons do NOT belong in my bed.  Period.  Don't need to go into more detail than that :)  So yes, I'm *THAT* mom.  My kids watch too much TV,  my son turns EVERYTHING into a weapon, they've had their fair share of Little Debbies, and they ALL know what Diet Coke tastes like (and probably beer too...yep *THAT* mom).  Haven't killed 'em yet, have I??  I do my "good" parenting in other ways, my kids will remember the fun shit I did with them and for them.  I want them to tell their children and their children's children that I did cool shit like popcorn and root beer for dinner...not lame shit like "my mom broiled me tilapia and braised organic asparagus"  Whatever.  I'll eat that but if I tried to serve it to my kids they'd look at me like I had a penis growing out of my forehead.  No mother is perfect, the good moms are the ones who can admit that they cut corners and that we are bound to screw them up in SOME way, despite our best efforts. So yep, I'm *THAT* mom and I'm ok with that. ;)