I went grocery shopping the other day and the spawn was making it difficult to get through the bowels of super Hell-Mart so I bribed her with my iPhone and powdered sugar donuts. I drew the line at sharing my diet coke so I got her a Snapple instead...yeah, way better. Other mothers glanced my way with looks of disgust as they eyed my offspring covered in processed sugar while she stared glassy-eyed at Dora the Explorer blaring out of my phone via Netflix while their little darlings (who were manufactured in petri dishes, no doubt) were reciting Neitzsche and enjoying an package of organic fruit snacks (that mom had brought from home, not ripped from the shelves then handed half eaten to the girl at the register).
Yeah, whatever...I'm THAT mom. Just these minor indiscretions made me think of all of the other things that make me THAT mom and how little I actually give a shit...cuz guess what? My kids are still alive, healthy, and for the most part, happy and well-adjusted...(yes, their college funds can be earmarked for therapy, just in case...) Some of the issues that MOST parents seem to be overly concerned with or focus a great deal of attention on and my take on them, just a little glimpse into how I do shit 'round here (this could explain A LOT...)
Well, we tried the no cable thing...that lasted ALMOST a year, not too shabby huh? It's not on 24 hours a day but I don't set timers for how long they can watch, I just can't get on board with that shit and let's be honest, if I shut the TV off that means *I* have to do something with them and that's just not always appealing. I DO however put some limitations on what they can watch. My husband feels if it is animated it means kids can watch it...hmmm...ever watched Family Guy? A drunken dog stumbling around with a martini and a perverted baby trying to pick up hookers from his carseat does NOT scream Playhouse Disney to me...but TV isn't all bad, the 2 year old can count to ten perfectly...in Spanish.
They eat junk food. Yep, they do. If I went to take a picture of my pantry right now you WOULD see sugar cereals, processed foods, and shit with ingredients you can't pronounce. Yes, they eat fruits and vegetables and I make relatively decent meals for dinner. Does dinner come from a box sometimes, you bet your ass it does! I love some of my friends dearly but do you REALLY need to make EVERY.FUCKING.THING from scratch??? That Little House on the Prairie bullshit ain't my style. They get fruit snacks, pizza rolls, and Cheetos. We've done a "totally popcorn dinner" before and I was the coolest fucking mom EVER (for like a day). They've tried soda, the toddler gets more juice than she probably should, and yes...more than one of them has had Doritos for breakfast. I'm admittedly too cheap for organic and according to some, that makes ME the asshole because I'm not concerned with where our food comes from and what I feed my family. Whatever. I'm a good cook and a good mom but if they decide they want *GASP* hot dogs 3 nights in a row when dad is out of town and the two year old wants a cheeseburger for breakfast...what the fuck ever...I choose my battles and sometimes those little shits win. No one is malnourished or morbidly obese so YAY me, everyone is still alive and moderately healthy. Score. Should probably incorporate more fiber into the toddler's diet though because she cries at the thought of taking a shit...
I became a middle school teacher for a reason, I don't have the patience or the tolerance for being hands-on for hours in a row. I couldn't do preschool or anything with little kids, just thinking about it makes me want to drink. God gave me independent children for a reason. My kids like to play on their own, half the time if I try to engage in a tea party with Barbie and the Zhu Zhu pets or a battle I get yelled at because I'm doing it wrong. Okie dokie, you're on your own you tiny little tea party Hitler. Yep, I play with them...we play games, we color, we go outside. But I'm not a fucking Gymboree instructor therefore we will not be playing with sensory toys from 9:00-9:30, finger painting from 10:15-10:45, with a light snack at 10:46. So do I play with them constantly? Will you walk in my house at any given time and see me fully engaged on the floor with the Little People farm playset? Do we hold hands and sing nursery rhymes all day long? Nope, because I'm *THAT* mom.
Technically this could go under the food category but this tends to be such a HUGE issue for so many parents I figured it deserved it's own moment in the spotlight. I'm a treat person. I LOVE me some sugar. I can be painfully full from a huge meal but if you walk by me with a tray of cupcakes, I will take your ass down. Period. My kids know that treats don't flow freely in my house and they need to ask for them. However, my petite little demon baby chewed through the lock on the pantry door and has been found literally SCALING the shelves in the pantry to help herself to a snack. Whatever, she didn't fall AND was so proud of herself for her success who the fuck am I to take away her fruit snacks??? But the standing rule is you must ask...Do they always get what they ask for? Nope, if that was the case they'd have cupcakes for breakfast, Oreos for lunch, and pudding for dinner. But yes, they get "treats" every now and then. They each get a little sweet thing in their lunchbox every day and we occasionally have dessert after dinner. Ever seen what happens to those kids who aren't allowed to eat that shit? They are the ones who hide under the cake table at little Johnny's birthday party and every now and then you'll see a grubby little hand reach from under the tablecloth to snatch a handful of the forbidden fruit because mommy won't let him have it. Why the fuck not? Everything in moderation folks, little Timmy and Susie aren't destined to a life of obesity if they get a fucking Twinkie in the lunch box every now and then. The parents who fuck with their kids food and so rigidly control what they can and cannot eat are raising kids with eating disorders. There, I said it...because I'm *THAT* mom.
I'll just leave you all with that glimpse into my life and what kind of mom I am, you all know my take on sleeping...those demons do NOT belong in my bed. Period. Don't need to go into more detail than that :) So yes, I'm *THAT* mom. My kids watch too much TV, my son turns EVERYTHING into a weapon, they've had their fair share of Little Debbies, and they ALL know what Diet Coke tastes like (and probably beer too...yep *THAT* mom). Haven't killed 'em yet, have I?? I do my "good" parenting in other ways, my kids will remember the fun shit I did with them and for them. I want them to tell their children and their children's children that I did cool shit like popcorn and root beer for dinner...not lame shit like "my mom broiled me tilapia and braised organic asparagus" Whatever. I'll eat that but if I tried to serve it to my kids they'd look at me like I had a penis growing out of my forehead. No mother is perfect, the good moms are the ones who can admit that they cut corners and that we are bound to screw them up in SOME way, despite our best efforts. So yep, I'm *THAT* mom and I'm ok with that. ;)