That's what my kids are calling today...creative geniuses, huh? They're huge fans of those cheesy, lame-ass shows like "Funniest Home Videos" and we saw a program on some other channel that was all about pranks and they just about pissed themselves watching it. SO they were consipiratorial and giggly last night when they went to bed and BOTH woke up without prompting today which instantly put me on my guard. Luckily those little shits aren't out to prank me (because I would have been PISSED if they had tried to Saran Wrap my toilet...because #1 that shit ain't cheap and #2 I usually stumble to the bathroom half asleep so I would have been an excellent candidate for that one to actually work...they would have been scrubbing the toilet/floor with their toothbrushes).
They are out to prank each other...yet keep talking TO EACH OTHER about different pranks. See, creative geniuses..I told ya. I've been watching and listening and wanting to point out the HUGE flaw in their plan. Really fucking hard to prank someone when the someone you are going to prank is your accomplice. Oh yeah, super smart. I'm so proud. So child #2 comes down into the kitchen and his first "prank" on his sister is to....wait for it...put her juice box in her lunch box for her. Wow. Seriously? He was so freaking excited about it I was not about to piss in his Cheerios with the insight that that was one of the lamest fucking pranks I had ever heard. SO I preemptively went upstairs to clue #1 in on what the "prank" was so she would respond appropriately. WELL...let me just say she will NOT be up for an Academy Award for her acting skills anytime soon. #2 ended up in tears that his prank was dumb (yeah, ya think???) and #1 was NOT helping by telling him "well buddy, that's not really a prank" which just made him cry harder. I wanted to punch her and sign her up for acting classes.
SO fast forward a few minutes to scrambling to get ready for the bus...#1 asks #2 where his fake spider is. WOW...again. Super fucking geniuses. He goes and gets it for her out of his room and she giggles and runs away to the bathroom. 12 seconds later she asks him if he has to go to the bathroom before they leave for school. You have GOT to be fucking kidding me. I am inwardly screaming at them how lame they are and how much they suck balls at pranking. He looks at her like she's got a penis growing out of her forehead and says no. She asks if he's REALLY SURE??? Sweet Jesus Lord above you guys are HORRIBLE and I'm embarassed for you. So she tries another tactic to get him into the shitter (where, DUH she's got the fake spider that he HAD JUST HANDED HER sitting on the toilet seat) WOW.
"hey buddy, do you need a tissue"
"no" (rolls his eyes at her)
"are you sure"
"uh, yeah I'm sure" (now giving her looks of total disdain)
"UM, can you get ME a tissue?"
So she is watching her brilliant prank unravel before her very eyes and asks me if I need a tissue. HOLY FUCKING SHIT. No, I don't need a tissue and you need to get your lame ass on the bus...get out of my house before I disown both of you and your sad, pitiful, sub-standard skills. So as they leave, they start conspiring about what pranks they can pull on me when they get home from school. Oh boy, I can't wait...but in the meantime I'm going to come up with some KICK ASS pranks for those little shits that will make them terrified beyond any reasonable doubt to come anywhere near me with a prank...no matter how lame...
Now I just need some ideas...bring it on... ;) THEY ARE GOING DOWN MUTHAFUCKAS!!!!!!!!!!!!!