My...I mean YOUR...meal is served...

As a stay-at-home-mom it's not very often I get a chance to grab a decent meal for myself.  Most days will end and I will find myself standing at the kitchen counter eating a bowl of cereal and wondering "Is this the only thing I've eaten today?".  Some moms are really good about it.  They make a point of preparing themselves a meal when they feed their kids or their kids get the same egg-white-green-pepper-mushroom-and-onion-omelette with whole wheat toast.  If I tried to feed that to my kids they'd look at me like I had a penis growing out of my forehead.

SO most days find me subsisting on diet coke and handfuls of mini Nilla wafers when I get a chance.  BUT yesterday I was determined.  Yesterday was going to be my day.  I was going to make myself not just one meal but maybe even TWO dammit.  Now let me just preface this by saying we have very little food in the house.  My husband is out of town.  Need I say more?  If I don't go to the store soon the kids may be forced to eat noodles with ketchup for dinner tonight.  Yum.  Anyway.  I managed to scrounge up enough for breakfast yesterday to make myself a lovely little parfait.  I had yogurt, granola, and a variety of fruit.  I was excited.  I was happy.  I was about to eat.  I poured myself a cup of coffee and got ready to dig in. Until I turned around and saw an urchin had bellied up to my bowl at the table.  She must have just tipped the bowl back because in the amount of time it took me to stir in my creamer she had managed to devour the majority of it and was covered from forehead to chin in Yoplait and Kashi.  Little bitch.  She grinned at me, complimented my culinary skills with a "yum gogurt mommy", and before I could catch her she had hopped down from the chair, leaving a trail of yogurt in her wake.  So rather than eating I got to clean up granola, yogurt, and strawberries.  Awesome.

I had higher hopes for lunch because the younger two spawn had already eaten.  They were full of peanut butter and jelly so odds of them wanting to steal my food were slim to none.  So with there being little danger of child thieves I created myself a lovely salad (yes, I went to the store just for myself...moms can be selfish too sometimes)  I was literally giddy with excitement about this salad, fresh avocado that I could have happily rolled around in, grilled chicken, diced tomatoes, chilled cucumbers, etc, etc...even thinking about it now makes me smile.  Or cry.  Because this one was also stolen right out from under me.  I forgot about the oldest getting home from school early.  As soon as I picked up my fork the front door opened.  I quickly shoveled in as many bites as I could before she made her way back to the kitchen.  She was probably a bit confused to find her mother huddled under the kitchen table whimpering, clinging to a ceramic bowl, and covered in ranch dressing.  She spied the salad in front of me and she instantly began salivating.  This is my salad lover.  She would mow down a cardboard box of small, helpless kittens if they stood between her and a salad.  She would let her own mother starve if it meant she could lay claim to a freshly made salad.  Which is exactly what she did.  Her big brown eyes bugged out of her head, she declared she was "STARVING" and asked if she could just have a few bites.  We all know what a "few bites" turns into.  Within seconds my salad was nothing but a few limp shreds of spinach left clinging to the side of the bowl.  She had all but licked the damn thing.  Had I suggested it, she probably would have.  Little bitch.  My salad was gone and I had Toy Story fruit snacks for lunch.  I'm considering selling her on Craigslist.

How do moms get decent meals without children stealing them?  Even when I feed my kids the same food I have for whatever reason what is on  my plate seems far more appealing...do they not want me to eat?  Are they trying to subliminally tell me something?  They have sensors out.  Even if they have JUST EATEN if I get myself something to eat, they are instantly standing right next to me with mouths hanging open like damn baby birds.  WTF?????  Seriously?  Get the fuck away from me.  I'm going to start hiding food all over the damn house, I'm going to start sneaking out, preparing meals at neighbors houses and eating in the garage.  If that's what it takes to get a decent meal around here, that is what I'll do.  So if you need me, I'll be the one eating my salad while wedged into the seat of the double jogger that is parked in my garage.