My...I mean YOUR...meal is served...

As a stay-at-home-mom it's not very often I get a chance to grab a decent meal for myself.  Most days will end and I will find myself standing at the kitchen counter eating a bowl of cereal and wondering "Is this the only thing I've eaten today?".  Some moms are really good about it.  They make a point of preparing themselves a meal when they feed their kids or their kids get the same egg-white-green-pepper-mushroom-and-onion-omelette with whole wheat toast.  If I tried to feed that to my kids they'd look at me like I had a penis growing out of my forehead.

SO most days find me subsisting on diet coke and handfuls of mini Nilla wafers when I get a chance.  BUT yesterday I was determined.  Yesterday was going to be my day.  I was going to make myself not just one meal but maybe even TWO dammit.  Now let me just preface this by saying we have very little food in the house.  My husband is out of town.  Need I say more?  If I don't go to the store soon the kids may be forced to eat noodles with ketchup for dinner tonight.  Yum.  Anyway.  I managed to scrounge up enough for breakfast yesterday to make myself a lovely little parfait.  I had yogurt, granola, and a variety of fruit.  I was excited.  I was happy.  I was about to eat.  I poured myself a cup of coffee and got ready to dig in. Until I turned around and saw an urchin had bellied up to my bowl at the table.  She must have just tipped the bowl back because in the amount of time it took me to stir in my creamer she had managed to devour the majority of it and was covered from forehead to chin in Yoplait and Kashi.  Little bitch.  She grinned at me, complimented my culinary skills with a "yum gogurt mommy", and before I could catch her she had hopped down from the chair, leaving a trail of yogurt in her wake.  So rather than eating I got to clean up granola, yogurt, and strawberries.  Awesome.

I had higher hopes for lunch because the younger two spawn had already eaten.  They were full of peanut butter and jelly so odds of them wanting to steal my food were slim to none.  So with there being little danger of child thieves I created myself a lovely salad (yes, I went to the store just for myself...moms can be selfish too sometimes)  I was literally giddy with excitement about this salad, fresh avocado that I could have happily rolled around in, grilled chicken, diced tomatoes, chilled cucumbers, etc, etc...even thinking about it now makes me smile.  Or cry.  Because this one was also stolen right out from under me.  I forgot about the oldest getting home from school early.  As soon as I picked up my fork the front door opened.  I quickly shoveled in as many bites as I could before she made her way back to the kitchen.  She was probably a bit confused to find her mother huddled under the kitchen table whimpering, clinging to a ceramic bowl, and covered in ranch dressing.  She spied the salad in front of me and she instantly began salivating.  This is my salad lover.  She would mow down a cardboard box of small, helpless kittens if they stood between her and a salad.  She would let her own mother starve if it meant she could lay claim to a freshly made salad.  Which is exactly what she did.  Her big brown eyes bugged out of her head, she declared she was "STARVING" and asked if she could just have a few bites.  We all know what a "few bites" turns into.  Within seconds my salad was nothing but a few limp shreds of spinach left clinging to the side of the bowl.  She had all but licked the damn thing.  Had I suggested it, she probably would have.  Little bitch.  My salad was gone and I had Toy Story fruit snacks for lunch.  I'm considering selling her on Craigslist.

How do moms get decent meals without children stealing them?  Even when I feed my kids the same food I have for whatever reason what is on  my plate seems far more they not want me to eat?  Are they trying to subliminally tell me something?  They have sensors out.  Even if they have JUST EATEN if I get myself something to eat, they are instantly standing right next to me with mouths hanging open like damn baby birds.  WTF?????  Seriously?  Get the fuck away from me.  I'm going to start hiding food all over the damn house, I'm going to start sneaking out, preparing meals at neighbors houses and eating in the garage.  If that's what it takes to get a decent meal around here, that is what I'll do.  So if you need me, I'll be the one eating my salad while wedged into the seat of the double jogger that is parked in my garage.


Sneaky kind of Freaky said...
June 18, 2010 at 9:53 AM

It is actually very easy to secure your meal. Start covering everything in hot sauce. You only have to do this for about a week before you only have to SAY ''oh no baby, I've already put hot sauce on it. My bites are too spicy, here, have a glass of diet coke and some mini vanilla wafers.''
[right, like I'd share the diet coke...]

Rae said...
June 18, 2010 at 11:01 AM

I believe it gets easier as they get older (giving you hope for the future!). Now they don't want to touch anything of mine that may be good for them even though I'm trying to get them to eat it. But all I hear ALL day is, "I'm hungry", "What's for dinner?" "What's for lunch?" "When can I eat again?" and I only have one at home right now. It will get 3x worse next week when they're all home and of course the complaints have already started because everyone is on an eating plan for the summer to teach them what healthy eating looks like. I'm a sucker for punishment! Next time one of them tries to steal your food, just tell them, "Sorry, sweetie, this is Mommy's. When I'm finished, I'd be more than happy to make you something, but this is MY meal time, so you need to be patient and wait." Never know, it could work. LOL

sara said...
June 18, 2010 at 12:17 PM

I got lucky with my oldest child, she is skittish about food that other people have partially eaten THANK YOU LORD! So she doesn't steal food, my youngest however, steals my food all the time :-(

Amy Lee said...
June 19, 2010 at 11:57 PM

Dude say

I sit with a fly swatter when I eat my food. If my kids come within the length of the swatter I will smack them with it and tell them to back off.....My kids know not to fuck with my food. It's probably why I'm 100 pounds overweight....Maybe I should let the little shits have a "few" bites.....

Ann said...
June 20, 2010 at 2:20 AM

MY Two year old loves whatever mommy has. I can give him a portion of the same darn thing but he's got to have what mommy is eating! I have given him the piece of chicken I just taken a bite out of to trade for his EXACT same partially gnawed piece of chicken! And having it be hot and spicy... he doesn't care! I love the KFC hot wings and Parmesan Garlic wings from Buffalo Wild Wings and he will DEVOUR them, occasionally the spice catches up and he whimpers for a minutes until he drinks enough of my Diet Dr. P. Right now I don't worry bout it too much as he tries new food this way :)

Michele K said...
July 19, 2010 at 7:58 PM

I have deemed this "The Mommy Diet" no matter what I am eating or when it is - my boys could have just finished eating two PBJs, grapes and 2 cups of milk and they will still zero in on me and my plate of whatever and beg for "just a bite"

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