St. Anthony - can you find my shit?

I have to give a shout out to St. Anthony. He is my guy. I think I rely on him at least once a week. Growing up Catholic going to the daily prison of nuns and brothers that we called school, we got to know a lot of the Patron Saints. Those crazy Catholics gave each of the saints some sort of project, craft or group that they were to be an advocate for in Heaven, and I knew right off the bat that St. Anthony and I would become very very close. For those of you that are not familiar with St. Anthony, you might want to introduce yourself...tell him I sent you. St. Anthony is the Patron Saint of missing people and things. Now, I am very close with him NOT because I lose people. I have tried. They keep finding me. But in my highly active and chaotic world, I lose shit all of the time. All of the time. Yes...ALL of the time. Probably daily. You name it, I lose it. Car keys, cell phone, the mail, checks, my purse, I lost my car once at the Mall of you get it. I am what my family calls "Book smart" - yes, but what I will readily admit about myself is that common sense isn't too common. So St. Anthony and I became fast friends. And the dude works overtime for me. I gave him credit yesterday on Face Book and one of my friends thought it was a good blog topic for today. Thanks Pam!! So I looked up some other Patron Saints, and those freaky Catholics dished out ailments, problems, and issues like it was their job. If you were a Saint, you got something attached to your name. Titles come cheaply, even back in the sainting days. Some saints got several things like the Patron Saint of evil spirits, leprosy, thunderstorms, bacterial diseases and bacterial infections. Yes, that is all one guy. I bet he was popular in the 17th century or so. In case you need one, there are also Patron Saints who could levitate, ones against mental disorders, venereal diseases, bubonic plague, Black Death, oversleeping and Pirates. Hmmm. One of my favorites, and one that I should probably get to know, is the Patron Saint against Procrastination. And all pregnant mothers and mothers of infants, take note; Agapitus of Palestina is the Patron Saint against Colic. It is a mouthful, but she would have come in handy about 11 years ago....I would have bought her bobble head, her t-shirt and the screen-saver. There were a few Patron Saints though that I think were missing:

- the Patron Saint against whiney children

-the Patron Saint of inept husbands

- the Patron Saint of Laundry

-the Patron Saint of "WTF happened in the kitchen? I just cleaned in here..."

-the Patron Saint of headaches - either to conveniently bring one on at about 10pm or to make one go away

-the Patron Saint of adding three more hours to my day

-the Patron Saint eating anything I want and not making my ass the size of Utah

-the Patron Saint of hangovers

-the Patron Saint of "it is f-ing 7am on Saturday...go back to bed"

-the Patron Saint of shitty diapers

-the Patron Saint of negative check book balances

-the Patron Saint of WTF should I make for dinner?
-the Patron Saint to protect me from going bat-shit crazy

-the Patron Saint of adult on-set acne

-the Patron Saint of why does the check out line I am in always come to a screeching stand-still?

-the Patron Saint of why does my toddler only have to go to the bathroom when we are clearly not near one?

-the Patron Saint of people that drive with their head up their ass

-the Patron Saint of OH MY GOD - Can you shut the hell up for one minute??

I am sure you have a special need....and I am sure there is a saint for it. But it is the faith that counts. My fellow blogger does not believe in St. Anthony, so he does not work for her. But herein lies the problem. When she loses something (which is about as often as I do) she calls me and asks "Who is that dude that helps you find lost shit?" I doubt that HE thinks of himself as the "shit finder". I am pretty sure it does not say that on his nametag in Heaven. So when seeking out your Patron Saint, it is all in the approach. I plan on using the utmost grace and class when acquainting myself with the Patron Saint of Procrastination and any saint that was gifted with Inedia. Yes, there are several of them. And yes, I had no f-ing clue what Inedia was either until my pals at Wikipedia helped me out. It is the gift of abstinence from all nourishment for an extended period of time. Hello Saint Nutrisystem! Let's be friends. I am buying a big foam "#1" finger right about Christmas time. Where has that bitch been all of my life? OOPS. Bad intro. I might want to rethinking my approach here. One word of advice from this Catholic die-hard (someone in Heaven just choked)....when calling upon your Patron Saint, make sure it is the CORRECT one. When I channel my pal St. Anthony, luckily he knew I was talking about him and not the OTHER Saint Anthony...the Patron Saint of Skin Rashes and Disorders. That could get ugly. Then I would need a whole OTHER saint...And FYI - even though St. Anthony and I are tight, he has yet to help me find the winning lottery ticket, my higher intelligence or my sanity. So don't bother asking for yours either. Best of luck to ya and God Bless.


Amy Lee said...
April 29, 2010 at 11:47 AM

"I lost my car once at the Mall of America"

No more calling out I found it, unless we're sitting in it!
-Seinfeld (one of the best episodes ever)

Anonymous said...
April 29, 2010 at 3:28 PM

Thank you for the laugh! Best post to date! I am not Catholic so thank you for a glimpse into your world!! I am sure there is never a dull moment in your house! HILARIOUS!!!!

Meg said...
April 29, 2010 at 6:22 PM

hahahahahahahahahahaha :)

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