Food fight!

My husband and I are not excessively wealthy by any stretch of the imagination (especially since yours truly is gainfully unemployed) but our income provides a nice home, reliable cars, bills are paid on time, and we are able to keep food on the table. But you would never know that last part if you could be in my home at any meal/snack time. My children constantly seem to be "starving" and will fight over every last morsel in the house to the death. Not even kidding.


I would be willing to hazard a guess that a child shuffles their way into the kitchen, sapped of all of their strength to whine at my feet "I'm huuuunnnnnnggggrrrrryyyyyyy" no fewer than a dozen times a day. And it LITERALLY happens at my feet, as they collapse into a puddle of child on the kitchen floor. REALLY???? You're so hungry you can't even stand? You can barely move? I call bullshit because the second I wave a package of fruit snacks under your nose like smelling salts you'll be up and at 'em in no time...just the IDEA of eating revives my kids. And the others can sense a snack being distributed. I've even had one of my kids come bounding up the deck stairs and into the kitchen completely breathless after having hauled ass from 2 streets over to ask "Are we having a snack??" Upon distribution of said snack, I have to be VERY careful in how it's done. If one gets a different package of fruit snacks, or a bigger orange, or 12 pretzels unlike the 14 the sibling has...I'm screwed. They WILL fight over food. They will seriously count each other's portion sizes to ensure fairness and equal distribution.

I cannot tell you how many times they have almost gone to blows over who gets the last strawberry...or what is deemed the "best" piece of pizza...interesting since it's a big ass circle cut into relatively equal pieces. Heaven help me if the only bread left in the house is the "butt" piece and one "normal" piece. I've been known to lie my ass off and say we're out of bread to avoid WWIII breaking out in my kitchen because no one wants the butt. Does it taste the same? Yep, but that doesn't matter. Like I said, my children are in no danger whatsoever of becoming starving anytime in the near future, but if a sibling is even anywhere NEAR the last granola bar or has even thought about a granola bar in the past 24 hours, watch out. Even if they are not hungry or thirsty they will take every last crumb or drop to avoid having to share. My pantry is stocked plentifully, there is always SOMETHING in the house to eat (despite the many complaints stating "there is nothing to eat") yet if you were to listen to my children, the cupboards are bare and we may as well just unplug the fridge since it's sitting there empty.

My sister and I had a conversation about this the other day and apparently this is a recurring issue in both of our homes as our children have started to throw our words back at us when we chastise them for fighting over food like packs of wild dogs. As soon as either of us start to get worked up over this "survival of the fittest" bullshit, they will roll their eyes and tell us they are well aware of starving children in Africa and kids in Haiti who don't even have a house anymore. I guess we've said it a few times? But it's painfully clear that it's not getting through because just this morning 2 of mine were literally playing tug-of-war over the last package of oatmeal (apparently THE last one in the world...who knew?) I'm sure you can see how that one ended...said package exploded in the fray and I told them they can either quietly and peacefully find something else to eat or I'd just sprinkle water on the mess on the floor, hand them each a spoon and may the best man win. Neither said a word and the oldest made them both some toast...she even took the butt piece.