For sale: TODAY ONLY!

For Sale: Attractive 39 year old. 6'1". Bald. Great sense of humor, never forgets birthdays or anniversaries, rarely sick, decent set of morals. Steady job. Only snores after he has spent an evening with the Captain and Coke. Maintains a nicely manicured self and lawn. Lacks an "indoor voice". Comes with three absolutely adorable children. All are good eaters. Good students, good sense of humor. Also seem to lack an "indoor voice". Great price for all, actually I may offer YOU some money! Slightly flawed: Cease to work without female intervention


I am down to my last nerve. I am at the end of my rope. Picture this: Edge of Cliff....Me. My girlfriends and I had a garage sale this weekend (that was my first mistake....arguing with strangers in the cold and rain over something that is .50 is not my idea of a good time. Thank goodness someone brought Bloody Marys). So since I was preoccupied all weekend, the activity in my house came to a screeching halt. I mean NOTHING. I was in the garage (WHY??) at 7am on Friday and Saturday. The kids got themselves pretty much ready for school with little assistance from me. And they did pretty well. I mean, I did have to remind them before the bus came that milk usually does best when put back in the fridge. I did also redirect them to the placement of our dishwasher so that they could put their dishes in there instead of on the counter ABOVE the dishwasher...but all in all, they did well. They even brushed their teeth and I only had to tell them 2 times. It was a little chaotic running in and out, but I thought "tomorrow with Dad home it will be much easier". WTF was I thinking? How long have I known this man? I am fairly intelligent, but I find myself thinking off the wall, idiotic things sometimes like "my husband can manage decently without me."

So 7 am Saturday morning rolls around. Here I am in the garage again. Stupid Stupid Stupid. I hear activity stir in the house. It is the 5 year old. She wants breakfast. Now mind you, I warned their other genetic half that I would be unavailable today, so he was in charge...all day. I said "go ask daddy." "He is sleeping and I don't want to wake him" she sleepily replies. Are you f-ing kidding me? This is the kid that does not seem to mind at all that I am sleeping when she calls for me at 3am to tell me that she just went potty. But heaven forbid we disturb daddy well into his 8 hours of uninterrupted sleep. So I get her set up with cereal, cartoons and strict instructions to get dad if she needs anything else. Then I repeat this drill with the two boys who can get their own breakfast, but came to me looking for baseball gear and gatorade. But this time they couldn't disturb dad because he was in the shower. Weird, no one has trouble asking me for stuff when I am clearly naked and unavailable. Dad and the two boys leave for baseball. They come back two hours later after the rain had called it off. They are carrying the leftovers of their breakfast out. When I enter the house three hours later, these leftovers are on the kitchen table. Perhaps we need to discuss that styrofoam cubes do not make attractive centerpieces, and if not refrigerated properly, will start to smell pretty rank. No worries though, because I should have actually called the bomb squad to find out exactly where it detonated in my house. I was able to see beyond the shrapnel and find my family safely bunkered in on the couch. ESPN obviously saved their lives, because they were huddled together in a near catatonic state. Thank GOD they were ok. By the looks of the house, they barely made it. I simply said "Wow, you guys have a lot of work to do in here" and calmly turned and went back to the garage. It looked like a sanctuary compared to my kitchen and family room. But as the day progressed, my family's wits waned. They forgot where the laundry room was, so dirty clothes stayed where they were taken off. They had forgotten our rule about milk. They lost the directions to the dishwasher. They were obviously stunned and disoriented by my absence, so they channeled their inner "Survivor" and decided to stick to what they knew...what was comfortable; the couch and television. Why does all normal activity cease when mom is not around? Why do all major appliances stop working in my absence? I know it is not a power issue, because judging by the amount of cheese that was melted to the inside of my microwave, that worked just fine. The plate that held the rest of the melted cheese was on the counter. I need to get the blueprints of my house and draw arrows to all of the areas that need to be visited daily. I should have checked to see that they all successfully were able to use the bathroom in my absence. The couch and remote seem to be the only things that worked while I was gone...and by "gone" I mean not in the immediate service area. My husband did attempt to unload the dishwasher, but 75% of the dishes were on the counter because he claimed that he "Didn't know where they go". Um. Yes, I can see how that can be confusing. We have lived here for three years and I routinely switch the shit around so that I am the only one that can find things. WTF.

My girlfriend shared a similar story with me. But she was actually gone for the weekend. 2 whole days. Can you imagine what she faced when she got back? She said it was ugly. She called her husband on Friday to say that she had arrived at her destination. His response "Do you know we have no food in the house?" Now by this, he clearly means that there were no fully prepared meals just awaiting 5 minutes in the microwave or no Hungry Man meals in the freezer. My friend said "Rumor has it that there is a grocery store in town...you should go visit it." Good for her. When she called later that night to say goodnight to her kids her disgruntled husband answered the phone "We are at McDonalds. I had to feed them something." She replied "Well GOOD! You are right by the grocery store..you might even be able to see it from there!". Right on sister! But I bet she is still doing laundry from the weekend. But since no cooking went on in her absence, there will be no dishes to do or dishwasher to unload. Lucky bitch.

We moms are the cog that keeps the wheel turning. Without us, it is clear that all hell breaks loose. So pat yourself on the back today. And if you have the kind of husband who manages just fine when you are not around....starts laundry, loads and unloads the dishwasher, changes diapers regularly, feeds the animals (and I mean children here) and knows how to sweep and wipe up breadcrumbs the size of his head, I think I speak for everyone else when I say "I am sorry, your husband must be gay" Kidding of course. That was said out of pure anger and jealousy. I let it get the best of me. Now I need to go make the bed...it wasn't made all weekend. Imagine that.