For sale: TODAY ONLY!

For Sale: Attractive 39 year old. 6'1". Bald. Great sense of humor, never forgets birthdays or anniversaries, rarely sick, decent set of morals. Steady job. Only snores after he has spent an evening with the Captain and Coke. Maintains a nicely manicured self and lawn. Lacks an "indoor voice". Comes with three absolutely adorable children. All are good eaters. Good students, good sense of humor. Also seem to lack an "indoor voice". Great price for all, actually I may offer YOU some money! Slightly flawed: Cease to work without female intervention

I am down to my last nerve. I am at the end of my rope. Picture this: Edge of Cliff....Me. My girlfriends and I had a garage sale this weekend (that was my first mistake....arguing with strangers in the cold and rain over something that is .50 is not my idea of a good time. Thank goodness someone brought Bloody Marys). So since I was preoccupied all weekend, the activity in my house came to a screeching halt. I mean NOTHING. I was in the garage (WHY??) at 7am on Friday and Saturday. The kids got themselves pretty much ready for school with little assistance from me. And they did pretty well. I mean, I did have to remind them before the bus came that milk usually does best when put back in the fridge. I did also redirect them to the placement of our dishwasher so that they could put their dishes in there instead of on the counter ABOVE the dishwasher...but all in all, they did well. They even brushed their teeth and I only had to tell them 2 times. It was a little chaotic running in and out, but I thought "tomorrow with Dad home it will be much easier". WTF was I thinking? How long have I known this man? I am fairly intelligent, but I find myself thinking off the wall, idiotic things sometimes like "my husband can manage decently without me."

So 7 am Saturday morning rolls around. Here I am in the garage again. Stupid Stupid Stupid. I hear activity stir in the house. It is the 5 year old. She wants breakfast. Now mind you, I warned their other genetic half that I would be unavailable today, so he was in charge...all day. I said "go ask daddy." "He is sleeping and I don't want to wake him" she sleepily replies. Are you f-ing kidding me? This is the kid that does not seem to mind at all that I am sleeping when she calls for me at 3am to tell me that she just went potty. But heaven forbid we disturb daddy well into his 8 hours of uninterrupted sleep. So I get her set up with cereal, cartoons and strict instructions to get dad if she needs anything else. Then I repeat this drill with the two boys who can get their own breakfast, but came to me looking for baseball gear and gatorade. But this time they couldn't disturb dad because he was in the shower. Weird, no one has trouble asking me for stuff when I am clearly naked and unavailable. Dad and the two boys leave for baseball. They come back two hours later after the rain had called it off. They are carrying the leftovers of their breakfast out. When I enter the house three hours later, these leftovers are on the kitchen table. Perhaps we need to discuss that styrofoam cubes do not make attractive centerpieces, and if not refrigerated properly, will start to smell pretty rank. No worries though, because I should have actually called the bomb squad to find out exactly where it detonated in my house. I was able to see beyond the shrapnel and find my family safely bunkered in on the couch. ESPN obviously saved their lives, because they were huddled together in a near catatonic state. Thank GOD they were ok. By the looks of the house, they barely made it. I simply said "Wow, you guys have a lot of work to do in here" and calmly turned and went back to the garage. It looked like a sanctuary compared to my kitchen and family room. But as the day progressed, my family's wits waned. They forgot where the laundry room was, so dirty clothes stayed where they were taken off. They had forgotten our rule about milk. They lost the directions to the dishwasher. They were obviously stunned and disoriented by my absence, so they channeled their inner "Survivor" and decided to stick to what they knew...what was comfortable; the couch and television. Why does all normal activity cease when mom is not around? Why do all major appliances stop working in my absence? I know it is not a power issue, because judging by the amount of cheese that was melted to the inside of my microwave, that worked just fine. The plate that held the rest of the melted cheese was on the counter. I need to get the blueprints of my house and draw arrows to all of the areas that need to be visited daily. I should have checked to see that they all successfully were able to use the bathroom in my absence. The couch and remote seem to be the only things that worked while I was gone...and by "gone" I mean not in the immediate service area. My husband did attempt to unload the dishwasher, but 75% of the dishes were on the counter because he claimed that he "Didn't know where they go". Um. Yes, I can see how that can be confusing. We have lived here for three years and I routinely switch the shit around so that I am the only one that can find things. WTF.

My girlfriend shared a similar story with me. But she was actually gone for the weekend. 2 whole days. Can you imagine what she faced when she got back? She said it was ugly. She called her husband on Friday to say that she had arrived at her destination. His response "Do you know we have no food in the house?" Now by this, he clearly means that there were no fully prepared meals just awaiting 5 minutes in the microwave or no Hungry Man meals in the freezer. My friend said "Rumor has it that there is a grocery store in should go visit it." Good for her. When she called later that night to say goodnight to her kids her disgruntled husband answered the phone "We are at McDonalds. I had to feed them something." She replied "Well GOOD! You are right by the grocery might even be able to see it from there!". Right on sister! But I bet she is still doing laundry from the weekend. But since no cooking went on in her absence, there will be no dishes to do or dishwasher to unload. Lucky bitch.

We moms are the cog that keeps the wheel turning. Without us, it is clear that all hell breaks loose. So pat yourself on the back today. And if you have the kind of husband who manages just fine when you are not around....starts laundry, loads and unloads the dishwasher, changes diapers regularly, feeds the animals (and I mean children here) and knows how to sweep and wipe up breadcrumbs the size of his head, I think I speak for everyone else when I say "I am sorry, your husband must be gay" Kidding of course. That was said out of pure anger and jealousy. I let it get the best of me. Now I need to go make the wasn't made all weekend. Imagine that.


Sneaky kind of Freaky said...
April 27, 2010 at 9:57 AM

Last fall my mother took us girls to NYC for 3 days (well, we left at 2pm our time and got there at near midnight the first day, then two full days and we were at the airport so that we were home by 10am on the third day, if you counted the hours you wouldn't get 3 days.) and I came home to a man begging me to never leave him alone with the children again. He TRIED. He really did. He wanted the house to be perfect when I got back. He failed miserably. "BUT", he says, "BUT, I DID get the dishes done!" If only if you count eating out the entire time and then putting the dishes from the last meal *I* cooked before I left into the dish washer. He even took them out to breakfast. And now he's leaving for an 8-9 day trip to the Grand Canyon. I wonder if I could get away with eating out every meal...?

Anonymous said...
April 27, 2010 at 10:50 AM

Fortunately, I am one of the lucky ones whose husband does most of the work around the house. He used to be a stay at home dad till recently and he had all of the laundry done (I just had to fold it and put it away), the dishes done, floors done, and dinner on the table when I got home. all I had to do was play with the kids, bathe them and put them to bed. Loved it! Now that we are both working, he is slacking a little but since he is only home about 3 hours a day, I can give him a little slack. I give myself credit by saying I trained him while he was still a teenager since we have been together since we were 16. LOL!!

Sara Manley said...
April 27, 2010 at 6:53 PM

Oh I LOVE the theme you have this week... like when I have to ask my hubby to "babysit"... AARGH!
I came home after having our 4th baby (6th child) on a Sunday; I really tried to have the baby Monday- Wednesday so I would be home for the weekend! The kids had been home ALL day ALL weekend. I just about cried when I walked in the door at 2pm. I wanted to go back to the hospital where I could watch TV, read, and take my baby to a nursery when I wanted to eat or take a shower. Ahhh... the luxury! ;) My husband LEFT on a Sunday afternoon to go to the office to get stuff done he didn't get done on Friday when I was in labor; so not only did I have to take care of a 3 day old baby I had to tend to the needs of my 22 month old, 3 1/2 year old, and 8 year old. The older two who were supposed to be my "helpers" also disappeared after having to take care of their siblings all weekend. Packed lunches for the next day. Make sure the 8 year old had her homework done. Moved the bassinet from my son's room to our room (didn't I ask my husband to do that?!) Catch up on laundry; because if I don't do at least 2 loads a day; I'm behind. Pick up the train wreck of a house from me being gone a grand total of 2 days. *Sigh*

Marci said...
April 27, 2010 at 7:32 PM

I was working full time with an unemployed husband and STILL came home to do it all...funny thing is since the divorce I have a LOT less to clean up...

Meg said...
April 29, 2010 at 6:58 PM

ugh - hhmmm, I think maybe if you switched those around you'd have my hubby and me :) I'm the messy one & the one who can't usually handle it all. However, my "mess" would be mail, anything outdoors (like dog poop & mowing the lawn, trimming plants), and toys from playing with Nia. I would also probably not fold up the stroller & hang it in the garage, or put away my shoes, purse or knitting bag, or probably the diaper bag. And I would not deal with dishes right away either - those can wait til Nia's in bed & not physically pushing me away from the sink - she's strong!!!

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