Dear Parents and other spawn patrons of our local playground,
I realize that now that "spring has sprung" and all that jazz, nothing pleases any mother more than being able to take her young outdoors once again. I get that. Being cooped up all winter sucks. Putting on winter gear for months on end sucks. I too, enjoy the wonders of spring and letting my children run amuck in the great outdoors; however when I do venture out of the confines of my neighborhood and head to the nearest park, I have a few MINOR requests of you and your heathens who are also inhabiting said park:
1. GET OFF OF YOUR PHONE: Unless you are Secret Service and really need to take that incoming call from the President or are texting God himself, being on your iPhone at the park is completely unnecessary. Do you absolutely have to update your Facebook status and let all 422 of your friends know that Junior just catapulted another child from the twisty slide? I think not.
2. PUT THE BOOK/MAGAZINE DOWN: Call me crazy, but when my children are dangling precariously from jungle gym equipment several feet off of the ground, the last thing I could even consider doing is settling in with the latest issue of US Weekly. Save it for the bathroom.
3. BRING YOUR KIDS A DRINK/SNACK: I have three children, therefore I have enough sustenance for my three children. Please bring a snack for your bottom dweller so Junior can stop hovering 3 feet away drooling over my kids' fruit snacks and picking his nose. I am not a snack bar, step off...continuing to stand there is not going to endear your child to me enough to offer them food.
4. (this one is for Junior) GET THE HELL AWAY FROM MY 2 YEAR OLD: Dude, you're 6 years old and built like a brick shithouse. Hold up for 12 seconds while my toddler tries to get up those 2 stairs and then you can have your turn. If you barrel past her one more time for your turn on the bouncy bridge, I'm GOING to kick your ass.
5. (again, for Junior) TAKE TURNS YOU SELFISH LITTLE MONSTER: I've been watching you on that swing for the last 17 minutes. About 3 minutes into it you turned green, your eyes went glassy, and looked like you were going to puke so I KNOW you want off that thing, BAD. However, I have also noticed that there are 7 other children standing nearby clearly waiting for a turn so by staying on there so they don't get a turn makes me want to watch you vomit up everything you've ingested since last May. Keep on swingin' you little shit, keep on swingin'.
6. Seems pretty basic but WATCH YOUR KIDS: Seriously. Did you see your 7 year old just bodily toss a preschooler out of the way so they could get down the slide first? Hey, how about the part when your 8 year old kept climbing UP the slide before checking to see if that toddler was on his way down? And that time when your kids RAN up the steps and knocked over those 2 year olds who were also trying to get up? Funny shit when your kid who is MY size cruised past that kid on the monkey bars and knocked him down...good times. My favorite part was when your kid AND his three friends were laying full length on the short slides for a good 20 minutes, thereby rendering them completely useless to any other child. Oh wait, it got even better when the little shits rolled their eyes at me and started laughing when both I and my 5 year old asked them politely to move. Awesome. Playground equipment does not equal LARGE WOODEN BABYSITTING STRUCTURE. If that were the case I could save myself $50 for a Saturday night out with my husband and just dump my kids at the park.
Now I will be the first to admit, that parks make me a little neurotic. I break into a cold sweat and my heart rate triples when my kids ask to go to the park. Yes, the climbing and jumping and sliding and swinging all do very bad things to my blood pressure. But things would go a lot more smoothly if you and YOUR kids would take heed of my gentle suggestions. Happy Spring and if you could let me know how often you visit this particular park and when those visits will occur I'll be sure to avoid it next time and stay home.