A friendly letter...

Dear Parents and other spawn patrons of our local playground,

I realize that now that "spring has sprung" and all that jazz, nothing pleases any mother more than being able to take her young outdoors once again. I get that. Being cooped up all winter sucks. Putting on winter gear for months on end sucks. I too, enjoy the wonders of spring and letting my children run amuck in the great outdoors; however when I do venture out of the confines of my neighborhood and head to the nearest park, I have a few MINOR requests of you and your heathens who are also inhabiting said park:

1. GET OFF OF YOUR PHONE: Unless you are Secret Service and really need to take that incoming call from the President or are texting God himself, being on your iPhone at the park is completely unnecessary. Do you absolutely have to update your Facebook status and let all 422 of your friends know that Junior just catapulted another child from the twisty slide? I think not.

2. PUT THE BOOK/MAGAZINE DOWN: Call me crazy, but when my children are dangling precariously from jungle gym equipment several feet off of the ground, the last thing I could even consider doing is settling in with the latest issue of US Weekly. Save it for the bathroom.

3. BRING YOUR KIDS A DRINK/SNACK: I have three children, therefore I have enough sustenance for my three children. Please bring a snack for your bottom dweller so Junior can stop hovering 3 feet away drooling over my kids' fruit snacks and picking his nose. I am not a snack bar, step off...continuing to stand there is not going to endear your child to me enough to offer them food.

4. (this one is for Junior) GET THE HELL AWAY FROM MY 2 YEAR OLD: Dude, you're 6 years old and built like a brick shithouse. Hold up for 12 seconds while my toddler tries to get up those 2 stairs and then you can have your turn. If you barrel past her one more time for your turn on the bouncy bridge, I'm GOING to kick your ass.

5. (again, for Junior) TAKE TURNS YOU SELFISH LITTLE MONSTER: I've been watching you on that swing for the last 17 minutes. About 3 minutes into it you turned green, your eyes went glassy, and looked like you were going to puke so I KNOW you want off that thing, BAD. However, I have also noticed that there are 7 other children standing nearby clearly waiting for a turn so by staying on there so they don't get a turn makes me want to watch you vomit up everything you've ingested since last May. Keep on swingin' you little shit, keep on swingin'.

6. Seems pretty basic but WATCH YOUR KIDS: Seriously. Did you see your 7 year old just bodily toss a preschooler out of the way so they could get down the slide first? Hey, how about the part when your 8 year old kept climbing UP the slide before checking to see if that toddler was on his way down? And that time when your kids RAN up the steps and knocked over those 2 year olds who were also trying to get up? Funny shit when your kid who is MY size cruised past that kid on the monkey bars and knocked him down...good times. My favorite part was when your kid AND his three friends were laying full length on the short slides for a good 20 minutes, thereby rendering them completely useless to any other child. Oh wait, it got even better when the little shits rolled their eyes at me and started laughing when both I and my 5 year old asked them politely to move. Awesome. Playground equipment does not equal LARGE WOODEN BABYSITTING STRUCTURE. If that were the case I could save myself $50 for a Saturday night out with my husband and just dump my kids at the park.

Now I will be the first to admit, that parks make me a little neurotic. I break into a cold sweat and my heart rate triples when my kids ask to go to the park. Yes, the climbing and jumping and sliding and swinging all do very bad things to my blood pressure. But things would go a lot more smoothly if you and YOUR kids would take heed of my gentle suggestions. Happy Spring and if you could let me know how often you visit this particular park and when those visits will occur I'll be sure to avoid it next time and stay home.


Maria Delgado said...
April 15, 2010 at 8:47 AM

You say ALL the things I want to whenever I take my 3 year old to the park.

Thank You.

Missy (lovescoffee-ha) said...
April 15, 2010 at 9:59 AM

Soooooooooo friggin true, going to the park is normally more of a pain in the rear then anything else. Love the comment about the 6yr old being built like a brickhouse hovering over the little ones, makes me nuts

Rebecca said...
April 15, 2010 at 10:02 AM

OMG don't you love "those" kids... but I am "that" mom who tells them to share, to move, to stop running down the littles, etc... and I don't give a shit that the moms sitting together on the benches all the way on the other side of the park sipping their starbucks might be talking smack...just don't care, b/c until my 2 year old can stand up for himself in the playground, mama bear will be there and even after that, I will probably still yell at those little brats b/c someone has to LOL.

rednecklady said...
April 15, 2010 at 10:11 AM

OMG, i am right there with you Rebecca! you said exactly what i feel!

Autumn Kuhn Photography said...
April 15, 2010 at 10:16 AM

My husband hates the park.. just for this exact reason! We don't normally go unless both of us can be there to monitor each end... I wishthat other kids would look at the politeness of my 8 yr old when he stops and helps the 2 year old up the stairs instead of running him down... instead they proceed to barrel him down in the process.... gggrrrr.... and when my 6 year old helps another child onto a swing, my 3 yr old though well he has a way to go and the park etiqutte as he is the one who last year dropped his pants and peed all over while i was helping my daughter across the monkey bars!

Anonymous said...
April 15, 2010 at 12:28 PM

I don't know you, but I love you! This blog entry is the best one yet! Thank you for posting this!!!

kristen said...
April 15, 2010 at 1:19 PM

My favorite is the mom who sees her little brat doing this and says nothing. I swear that is the thing that makes me want to scream. I am rethinking the park trip I planned, maybe we will have fun in our backyard:)

K.W. said...
April 15, 2010 at 1:29 PM

Was going to say exactly what Rebecca said.. Yesterday I experienced a park trip that went just about like yours. I was about to break out the Jackie Chan ninja moves on some snotty 6 yr old who felt it necessary to "help" my 2 yr old down the "gigantor" slide because he wanted his turn NOW. His mom was IN HER CAR yapping on the phone! She flew out pretty damn fast though when she saw me storming towards her kid. After a nice reminder that im not her kids park babysitter she slithered off with brutus in tow.
LOVE this post!

Siri said...
April 15, 2010 at 6:00 PM

At the park I frequent, there is an ice cream truck permanently parked where the children can see. Now my son is still too young to understand what that means, but I'm just waiting for the day where he screams and tugs at my clothes and has a tantrum because all the other kids are eating ice cream. Isn't the park supposed to be a place where kids burn off energy, and not a place to trigger sugar highs?

Btw, just found your blog, you ladies are hilarious. I went to high school with your sister and also write some blogs about children and food. 2 things I like:


Anonymous said...
April 18, 2010 at 10:43 PM

that is hysterical. I don't always get the time to read...because I'm outside playing with my kids but I'm glad my friend told me to read this one. My kids no better than to ask me about going to the park......dear child of mine, the doctor will not give mommy the kind of medication it would take for me to bring you three to the park...sorry!! Love you guys..always funny.

Julie G said...
April 19, 2010 at 3:08 PM

I loved, loved, loved this post! In fact, I just called a girlfriend the other day and said, " I have become THAT mom." That mom at the playground who glares at the older kids...ya know...that mom.

Heather Rataj said...
April 23, 2010 at 12:01 AM

This reminds me of a crazy park visit of mine: My 5 year old was trying to do the monkey bars and a big kid kept barreling through and knocking him down. My kid just kept trying then had enough so decides to play tag instead. The other kid of course wants to play tag too. After being "it" forever, my kid finally tags him and the big kid turns around and punches him in the stomach. So I say something to him and he says "I'll be right back, I'm going to get my dad" The dad comes over acting like the kids lawyer defending him and we almost get in a brawl at the park. I decide to be a better influence on my kids and not let them see me go ballistic on this guy, so we left. Of course as I was driving away, I thought of SO many things I wished I would have said.
WTF is up with some people?

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