What they won't teach you in Driver's Ed...

Building off of yesterdays' topics about modern conveniences, let's talk about cars for a moment. I could take this in several directions....how they are handy, how they are freaking "Sell-your-first-born" expensive, how they can either make or break your day, how that 3,000 mile oil change comes up SO quickly time after time and can be a source of great angst in a marriage if missed (well, it is cause for the "responsibility" talk in my marriage anyway). But I am going to take this in the "How to DRIVE your chosen automobile without your head lodged so far up your anal orifice" direction. We can cover the other areas later, oh, and I am sure we will. You can always rely on us to take a mundane topic and turn it into a "Crap, I never thought of it that way" moment.  We're just that good...or that bored, you be the judge.

In any case, as you loyal readers may know, I have against my better judgment re-entered the great American workforce. Which of course gives me chills for several reasons, but most of all because that means I have joined the masses on the roadways at ungodly hours of the morning and evening. If I could have a dollar for evertyime I was caught in a complete standstill on the freeway where speeds are normally in excess of 65 MPH, I wouldn't need to work at all. There have been several times I caught myself thinking, or more routinely in my solo commute saying outloud to no one at all, "I swear - there had better be a body in the road up there to account for that fact that I have moved three centimeters in 15 minutes" only to find that there was no apparent reason for the hold-up at all. Yes, that sounds very mean and very morbid, but seriously. It is not like the route spontaneously changes therefore wreaking havoc in what is otherwise a drive that you could do with your eyes closed....and don't do that either. It is dangerous. Which brings me to my albeit brief but handy checklist of driving tips 101. Whether you commute or are just in the car for the day to day errands, these tips will be useful. Feel free to keep laminated copies if your car to hand out to the village idiot that will undoubtedly cross your path.

-First and foremost - get off the freaking phone. There are even commercials about this from the great government that reigns over us (sarcarsm detected?) and insurance agencies. This is a no brainer, and I say that quite literally, because I am pretty sure that the people I have encountered have no brain at all. It goes without saying, do not text while going any speed. I can barely text while sitting in my kitchen, I am not sure how someone could effectively operate their vehicle and get a message accross. Is it that important to tell someone C U L8TR? Which will most likely come out at V Y L8TE anyway if you are driving and not paying total attention to either task. And if I have been following you in the left lane for 10 minutes while you are driving right next to a semi making it impossible for me to pass you, and then I find out that you are texting or talking, I reseve the right to run you off the road. You deserve to be in a ditch and I take pride to be the one to put you there. And "hands free" does not mean you have your phone in one hand and coffee in the other you dufus.

-My blinker was craftily installed in my car as an alert that I would like to make a move in that direction. I see you and I know you see me. I realize, especially in traffic, that it would be more effective for me to exit my vehicle, wave at you and make hand gestures indicating that I would like to kindly move my vehicle in front of your vehicle in that chosen lane, but that is not alway safe or as handy. So, the engineers at GMC put a blinker on my car so that I could safely convey the same info to you. You are not going to get to Sally's soccer game any faster by completely ignoring me and narrowly missing me as I am trying to take advantage of the three inches you left between you and the car in front of you. So stop trying to pretend that you are enjoying the view and let me the F in asshole. thank you.

- and when I kindly let you in (which I always do) please wave a hand in a gesture of "thanks". It is just nice. Nice is good. Nice keeps me from giving you another kind of hand gesture.

-I will add an adendum to the above statement. I will give you that other unfavorable hand gesture and try NOT to let you in if you are one of the assholes that drives in the "EXIT ONLY" lane all the way to the front of the traffic line and then merge into traffic at the last second. You are mean. And mean people suck. I hope you get pulled over later.

-I generally try to drive as fast as the law and current road conditions will allow. So you riding pretty much in my back seat with your car does NOT make me go any faster. In fact, I enjoy pumping my breaks in the hopes that you will spill burning hot coffee in your crotch. So back the F off.

- Do not ever ever ever drive in the left lane at 10-15 MPH under the speed limit if you don't want to be sworn at, ridiculed, mocked, or run off the road. Period.

-Also, just because you have a big ass truck which is obviously a compensation for something else, does not give you the right to drive at 85 MPH regardless of the weather.

- No one likes bumper stickers. Ok, you are proud of your Student of the Month. I get it. But I don't care that YOU WANT WHIRLED PEAS, OBAMA ROCKS, or YOU WANT MY LIPSTICK ON YOUR DIPSTICK and neither does anyone else. That was not a safety tip, just "how not to look like a complete idiot" tip

Again, this is not an "End all, Be all" list. And I am sure you can come up with some more, and we would love to hear them...so sound off right now and let us all know how we can improve America's roads one braindead asshole at a time. Isn't that nice....we provide happiness, humor, comfort, a community atmosphere and now a public service :)


Danielle said...
May 13, 2010 at 8:32 AM

To the braindead asshole in the previously mentioned oversized truck that persists in riding my back bumper even though I'm already driving 5 mph over the speed limit... You're in an oversized truck. My child is in the backseat in a rear-facing carseat. You can clearly see her face and yet you still don't have the heart to back the hell off? Jerk! And yes, I will purposely slow down (especially in "no passing" zones) just to piss you off for endangering my child. I live in the country. Luckily for me (and perhaps a testament to my crazy-good driving skills) I have never hit a deer and I would like to keep it that way. If I have to slam on my breaks to avoid one, I will. Of course, asshole in the big truck is going to rear-end me because he was following to close to begin with! Pull your head out of your rectum and have a little consideration for the pint-sized passengers on the roadways!

Meg said...
May 13, 2010 at 12:04 PM

Also, when the lane-lines are FAT, SOLID WHITE, that means DON'T CHANGE LANES HERE, IT'S DANGEROUS!!! I do not appreciate being cut off & having to slam on my brakes (which throws my dog into the back door, spills his water bowl, knocks over my diet coke & makes the baby drop her toy/cheerios/fishies and then cry) because you decided to go around the freaking 15-car line to jump into my exit/entrance lane 0.5 seconds before it's too late and you'd jump the curb, and not even have the blinker on so I can at least prepare to be cut off. Seriously, you probably got where you were going 2 seconds before you would have by just waiting in line. Bastard.

Amy Lee said...
May 13, 2010 at 3:41 PM

*"I swear - there had better be a body in the road up there to account for that fact that I have moved three centimeters in 15 minutes" only to find that there was no apparent reason for the hold-up at all.*

AHAHAHAHAHA! I say that ALL the time when we're in traffic and being that I live in Cali, there's usually never a reason for traffic other than dumbasses who don't know how to drive. There is at LEAST one accident a day on the highway by my house. It's ridiculous.

redfraggle37 said...
May 13, 2010 at 3:48 PM

I know that many states may not have taught you this, but there is a simple lessen for merging...it goes You Go, I Go...otherwise known as 1-2. So...lets practice you go, I...wait? WTF was that? It was my fucking turn...I was waiting in the damn merge line...can't you fucking count? 1 fucking 2!!!!! go back to preschool, my 23 month old knows how to count to 3 already by watching Sesame Street...
Pardon reduced cursing, normally when I drive I use a lot more colorful language ;)

redfraggle37 said...
May 13, 2010 at 3:50 PM

Probably not taught in most states, since i've never seen this done correctly. In fact IDK why I was blessed with the knowledge. However I will pass it on. When you are merging, this is how it works...you go, I go...then the next group and so on. Its also known as 1-2. So lets practice. You go...now...I...WTF? WTF was that shit? It was my damn turn!!! I was waiting in line like I was supposed to be with my signal...and you just cut in? BS!!!! HOw do you not know how to fucking count? It goes 1 fucking 2, its not hard. My 23 month old can count that high...

Sara said...
May 13, 2010 at 5:48 PM

When you are tired of your windshield being sprayed by my vehicle when the roads are wet, back the F OFF!! DO NOT, and I will repeat, DO NOT speed up, pass me,proceed to then cut me off and slow back down to your previous speed. All that does is make you look like an idiot.

Kristie said...
May 13, 2010 at 9:57 PM

Don't stop/slow down at the end of the highway entrance ramp...Speed up and MERGE with the traffic going 70.

Michelle said...
May 18, 2010 at 12:40 PM

Oh, my GOD!! You and I must have been separated at birth!
My 16-year-old-soon-to-be-taking-his-drivers'-test-son was dying laughing while he read this entry, and wanted to know if I had actually written it! ;) Love it!

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