The Bedazzler is much different than I remember it...

Explicit language and adult content Warning!! (some of you just got very excited to read ahead....)
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I went to a Pure Romance party this past weekend. For those of you who are unfamiliar with them, it is the Tupperware of sex toys. It was not my first time at one of these (no, I do not need to go see Tiger Wood's therapist by any stretch of the imagination). But I realized how naive and sheltered a life I have lived. The presenter was very helpful and informative....and she was very quick to pick up on my "deer in the headlights" looks as she was introducing some product or gadget. Flipping through the catalog, I found myself turning it sideways, upside down, etc. trying to figure out A) What the hell is that for? B) Where does that go? and C) Whether or not the person that engineered that needs should go to Church or therapy. So again, this was not my virgin party (pun TOTALLY intended there) but I seem to learn new things every time I go. I also learned quickly that this is the only home party that exists where husbands are overly accommodating in making sure that their wives can not only attend, but stay, drink ridiculous amounts of alcohol and bring the credit card. One husband even dropped his wife off so that she could drink, order, drink some more and then he offered to come and pick her up when the party was over. I bet the offer would not have been the same at a candle party. And not ONE husband texted or called to see when any of us were coming home. Weird. That never happens. Then husbands want to know EVERYTHING when you get home. "How was it, who was there, what stuff did they have, did you get anything, did anyone else get anything, do you want to have sex immediately??" Hmmm...I should have told him that I was mistaken. It was Pampered Chef, not Pure Romance. And yes, I spent $60 on three spatulas. That would have killed the burning flames of desire. But instead, I told him about the new bedroom thing that I learned of. It is a new fad....one that really made me go "WTF?? Who thinks of this stuff?".......
 
It is called Vajazzling. Yep, we were talking at the party about this cream that is also good for shaving your bikini area (I am sure it is useful for other things as well, but the Catholic school girl in me took over and my deceased grandparents were resurrected and seated next to me at the party looking very concerned that I was even there, so feeling like a complete pervert, I perked up when she said "Shaving cream"). So she said, that this cream will eliminate sensitive skin and make a better surface for Vajazzling. I am sorry, what?? Ok, I grew up in the 80s and I clearly recall the item sold on TV that I coveted that would make my jeans, phone, hair clips and dog sparkly and pretty. And you are supposed to do that WHERE? It makes your cooter look like a disco ball. Why in the name of hell would you want to do that? My husband already wants to spend a majority of his free time down there, why would I decorate it for him? Wouldn't that be like leaving out a bowl of full sized candy bars for the trick-or-treaters? Hell no. I am not encouraging more visits by creating a sparkly Welcome Mat. And talk about discomfort. I am already doing deep knee lunges and funky dances in the check out line at the grocery store during those regrowth days before the next waxing. Why would I glue crystals to myself in said area? And then my brain skips to drying off after a shower. What if you get one stuck to the loose threads and it gets unintentionally yanked off? Peel me off the ceiling kind of "OW". And maybe I just think too much, but I have small children that frequently have full-on conversations with me while I am in the shower. I do not want to find out that I was the topic of show and tell. "My mom's front butt sparkles and it is very pretty." Hello school counselor. Or when someone pulls out their phone all blinged out. "My mom's pachina looks like that." How do you recover from that? And what about that yearly visit to the gyno? Maybe they would be pleased that you take such pride and care in their area of expertise, but I am just saying, that your file might be flagged. Some celebs have gotten Vajazzled because it "lifted their spirits and made them feel happy". Have they tried Dairy Queen? A good sale at Gap? It is beyond me that a decked-out VaJayJay would make someone happy. If that is what you need to pull you out of the edge of depression, then good for you. Get all jeweled up and skip on down the yellow brick road (although the idea of doing anything like that after gluing sequins to your female areas sounds painful and might take all of those good feelings you were going for away). I'm not judging, so if any of our fans are all fancy in their southern hemisphere, then please educate me on the benefits. I just know that from now on, when my little girl sees something sparkly on the floor at Target, I will yank her arm right out of the socket to keep her from picking it up and collecting it. You never know where it came from...


**And you KNOW you're going to go google a "vajazzler" now...admit it...**

14 comments:

Betty said...
May 6, 2010 at 9:54 AM

OK I am now peeing in my pants laughing so hard i can't even see to type!!!!! as a scrapbooker i am now thinking wtf all this bling just sitting in my scraproom!!!!! lmao...have a great day!!!!

Bree said...
May 6, 2010 at 10:48 AM

Ok that was the funniest thing I have read in a looooooooooong time.

Amy Lee said...
May 6, 2010 at 11:24 AM

OMG it just keeps getting better and better from you guys...I so totally needed that laugh!

Janice said...
May 6, 2010 at 12:59 PM

OMG... I am laughing so hard that my "ta-ta" bling just fell off!! Just KIDDING!!! You girls are so stinkin' ass funny... I totally needed this laugh today too!! Thanks for always makin' my day!! ok... off to google!! ;)

Meg said...
May 6, 2010 at 2:23 PM

hahahahaahahahahahahahahahahahaha

K.W. said...
May 6, 2010 at 3:28 PM

Seriously, I thought everyone had a blinged out vajayjay? Hum, guess not ;) JK... Hilarious the way you girls explain it! This was actually the topic of convo on Ryan Seacrest's morning show a few weeks back with Jennifer Love Hewitt. I was rolling as she discussed her pimped out who-ha!

Christina said...
May 6, 2010 at 4:05 PM

OMG...I laughed so hard my dog thinks I'm losing it! Google here I come! :-)

Trish H. said...
May 6, 2010 at 7:29 PM

That was funny.. and what is even funnier, is the fact that my husband came home from work the other day and said to me... have you heard of getting your vajayjay vajazzled.. i was like excuse me? turns out a guy from work recently had a wife who went to one of these "parties" and came home to tell her husband how she could be just like the "celebs", so of course my husband "with the last name heffner" proceeds to tell me I should "look into" it. ummmmmm I think not.. LOL you guys are a crack up... LOVE this one!!

Rebecca said...
May 6, 2010 at 9:00 PM

OMG OMG I need to get back to the States, look at all I am missing!!! I don't recommend reading this in front of your kids, "hey mom, what is so funny." Your FRONT BUTT??? AHHAHHHHAHAHAHH. Awesome.

Janice said...
May 6, 2010 at 9:55 PM

So to get an appt do you call...
1-800 - Bling Your Thing??

Anne... that was from Betty!!! hahahha!

Marci said...
May 7, 2010 at 12:31 AM

Yeah IDK if I could take ANYONE seriously if they told me they were vajazzled.... BWAHAHAHA

Lauren said...
May 7, 2010 at 8:12 AM

Absolute hilariousness!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Angela (AngMarie) said...
May 7, 2010 at 10:12 AM

This made my entire day! Thank you for the funniest moment of my week!!!!!! :)

Michelle said...
May 19, 2010 at 11:13 AM

Okay, the "front butt" part made me snort coffee out my nose....on my desk....at work!

Love you gals! :)

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