Living the American nightmare...

Hello? Am I moving? I think I am numb from the brain down. Nope, "numb" would mean that I actually have a brain left. My brain was put into a blender and put on "Frappe". How do you moms do it? I had my first full day of: Get up-shower-get dressed-put on make-up before 4pm-stay in pants with buttons and a belt ALL DAY-work outside of the home.  (don't even ask about getting the kids up and out of the house before 7:30, that's an altogether separate was UGLY, lots and lots of UGLY...oh and breakfast?  Let's just say I choked on my bagel while sitting in traffic while talking illegally on the phone to my fellow blogger...end of story)

So anyway, yes, I got a real full time working mom job again.  Yep, I went and did it.  And I am "shit on myself stupid" kind of tired. I bit the bullet and got a real job. With real hours. With other real people. Having real conversations.  About real, relevant, IMPORTANT things (that can potentially earn or lose a company LOTS of money...not just whether or not Addie stole the pink tutu) What the hell was I thinking? I would like to pay my bills and send my kids to college. That is what I was thinking. The alarm went off at 6. That is no big deal. I am usually up around that time trying to fold a few loads of laundry and catch up on emails (ok Facebook, whatever...don't judge you all know you do it too, how else do you check in with us??) so that wasn't a shocker. Showering on a Monday was pretty par for the course too. But I have to shower again tomorrow....before 4pm. And I have to wear big people clothes....ALL DAY. I can't pretend that I want to watch cartoons too, just so that I can lay down for a bit. And when I am bored, I can't color or head to Target just for the hell of it. I have to stay at my desk, because that is what the boss said. And shit, I have a boss. At home, I WAS the boss (or at least the 5 year old let me pretend to be when I wasn't given the roles of "grandma, teacher or dog"). By noon, I was craving a PB&J, Super Readers and cuddle time with my preschooler. By 2 pm, I had sat through my third "Nod your head, smile politely and pretend that you know what everyone is talking about" meeting. I remember lying in bed a few weeks ago innocently praying in a very elementary school style "Please God, let me get this job" and today I was praying "Thanks for this job, now please let me stay awake while this guy is rambling on and on about crap that I have no idea what it even is, and I am not sure why I am supposed to care about it, so I will write aimlessly on this piece of paper that someone gave me so it looks like I am trying to not to stare at the remnants of lunch on his poorly manicured mustache - and by the way....who the F even has JUST A MUSTACHE anymore? Do I hear bad porn music being piped in through this manufactured, flourescent lit ceiling?..oh, AND thanks again for this job." I am ready for my Starbucks I.V. Don't even bother with that watered down crap. I want the whole bean shot right into my veins. You know what?  Forget it, I will just chew on the beans.  And you better not screw with me and that decaf crap. I will tear off your head and use it for a paperweight in my new windowless cubicle and no one will hear you scream.

Then 5pm rolls around. I made it alive. Well, I use that term very loosely because I know I made it home, but I don't exactly REMEMBER the drive. I briefly recall swearing at someone and sarcastically offering that it is against proper driving safety technique to drive with one's head UP ONE'S OWN ASS. Then I spent the rest of my evening hugging the little ones, drooling, forming incomplete, incoherent sentences and thinking about the fun that faces me tomorrow, and the next day and the next 6 billion days after that. Why? Why am I doing this? Oh, that is right. Living the American dream. Who needs to pay bills and go to college anyway....?  Maybe just to spice things up tomorrow I'll spark up a conversation at the water cooler about a certain "girly device"?  It sparkles and makes secret places all fancy...that'll get their attention, huh??  Nah, maybe next week. But then I will be back in HR filling out all sorts of DIFFERENT papers.


Wendy Hickman said...
May 11, 2010 at 11:04 AM

Very Funny! But I do detect some anger, bitterness and resentment through your words, LOL. You have a wonderful writing style! I hope the weeks get better for you as you re-enter the rat race. You better hope your Boss doesn't read your entry, heheh... or you may be back looking for another job... or better yet... Home with your kiddos and where you really want to be. God Bless this new journey of yours! Congrats... I think...:P

Meg said...
May 11, 2010 at 12:31 PM

aaawwww :) congratulations for making it through day 1 - here's to it getting easier and more fun, so you don't crash & burn (taking sip of margarita on your behalf) ;)

Trish H. said...
May 11, 2010 at 1:05 PM

Thank you for this post.. you totally just reminded me WHY I quit working in an office at a mortgage company to stay home with my kids full time. I was contemplating going back to work in the next year or so and um... you just kicked my butt back into reality!! I do hope things start going smooth for you though!!

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