Possible POLITICALLY INCORRECT Warning:
Yep, we're going there...the place we've all thought of, we've all been in our heads, some have even verbalized (admit it...you have) and for those who haven't, God bless you...you're better women than we are...We will take your applause that we are funny and entertaining but no one has ever accused us of being nice....so here goes...you've been warned...
Ok, I need a quick lesson in etiquette:
I ran into an old acquaintance at the playground this past weekend. She had recently (ok, recently for me is 6 months or less) had a baby. I acknowledged said newborn with a card and gift that we dropped off at their home when they weren't there. So I had yet to see this new bundle of preciousness. I LOVE babies, and when I saw her, I could not wait to get my baby "fix". So she took the cocoon of baby out of her tenderly sun-guarded little car seat, lifted the bonnet and.....HOLY SWEET HELL, PUT IT BACK!! PUT IT BACK!! PUT ROSEMARY'S BABY BACK!!! AND HIDE THE OTHER CHILDREN!!!!! SHIELD THEIR EYES! WTF IS THAT??? YIKES YIKES YIKES......At this point, my brain stopped functioning and I felt all of the meals from the past 48 hours curdling in my stomach and rising in an acidic pool in my throat....the burning in my esophagus felt way better than the vision of this child burned into retinas...but I think I recovered quickly and did the sympathetic head tilt and mustered up (through the bile in my throat) and "Awww....how precious." This is where you come up with all adjectives completely unrelated to the physical appearance to the baby. Precious, sweet, loving, etc. Because all babies are just that. Admittedly not all babies are adorable, gorgeous, etc. We all KNOW that. Period. Some of us have HAD those babies. So I used the first non-physically related adjectives I could think of and with that, the baby was thrust into my arms.
So yes, I apparently hid my absolute horror well enough that it came out as pure adoration for this thing that I THOUGHT was a girl upon birth (that is what the announcement said) but the receding hairline, thick eyebrows and sideburns made me quickly go through my memory bank, make a pitiful withdrawal and come up completely blank. My brain started functioning...."quick, how do I ask what it is?" As I am doing the baby bounce-sway in the middle of the park, I try to think of conversation without looking directly at "it". "Do your older kids love having a baby around?" I stammer. "OH yes, they adore her." Ah HAH!!! It is a HER. I thought so...from memory anyway, because by sight I am not so sure. Poor thing. So here I am, continuing to do the nervous bounce-rock-sway while the "her" is trying to wiggle around, pull on my sunglasses, earrings, shirt and nose. She instead decides to suck on her hands and the slurp-slurp-slurping sound results in a pool of drool to form on my arm. Yum. I try not to look at it...."find a happy place, find a happy place." With that, one of her kids falls off the monkey bars and gets hurt. Lucky. Why can't one of my accident-prone children spontaneously bleed like they normally do and save me from this nightmare?? "Oh, I need to run to the car for a band-aid, can you keep holding her for a second?" OH OH OH...."I have a band aid in my purse right here, I can get it" thinking this is my opportunity for reprieve. "No thanks, she only like certain kinds of band aids...they HAVE to be the princess ones. You know girls!" Ah yes, I do. Is this one that I am holding? Are you certain? But that would be rude, so I continue holding the drooling seething blob, who of course....starts crying when her mother is out of sight. So she cries, and cries, despite my half-hearted attempts to console. I really would have tried harder had "she" not looked like a glazed donut full of snot, spit, drool and God knows what other kinds of facial fluids. Oh! MY! GOD!! Now she is wriggling around so that she can face me and nuzzle her wipe her snotty, slimy face on my shirt. My clean shirt. My Banana Republic clean shirt. I reserve any apparel ruining for MY snotty children. I had no choice. This little bugger was strong. Just when I thought I was in the "clear" (if you count holding a snot-laden whimpering baby "clear") she puked on me. I turned weak in the knees, the park started spinning and I was punched in the face by the smell of partially digested soy formula and carrots. LORD TAKE ME NOW. By the time the mom had returned, I looked like I had been slimed by something out of Ghost Busters...who had recently enjoyed some strained carrots and $23 worth of Enfamil. This debacle, which I am sure lasted no more than 2 minutes, felt like 3 hours and gave me an instant migraine. The mom, apologetically and with a chuckle, told me I was a mess and then "scolded" her "thing" for being so "messy, messy, messy" Teeheehee. Really? No, REALLY???? As she took her baby back (the one that I do not remember outright requesting to hold) I got another glimpse of it. It smiled at me, with a creepy, all-knowing way as if to say "I read your thoughts devil woman - take THAT bitch!" Touche, ugly little baby, touche. You got me, and got me good. That will teach me to judge a less-than attractive child again. You know the story about the Ugly Duckling turning into the Swan, right???
I can write this story because I too, was an ugly child. No, seriously. My fellow blogger with her blond hair and adorable edible little freckles will tell you. (fellow blogger here: yes, she definitely had her Ugly Duckling phase but since I love her dearly and want to continue upon our journey together I will refrain from posting any incriminating pictures...for now) And we both thought our children were ABSOLUTELY BEAUTIFUL upon entering the world...and they were...to us. Upon discussing this post last night, we have determined that 1 out of 6 of the children created between the 2 of us can only be deemed remotely attractive by newborn standards so we're not exactly batting 1000. But they are little miracles each and every one of them. And they bring such joy and wonder to your life no matter what. But I have caught myself looking back at those newborn baby hospital photos and going "Eeek..they resemble little YODA in a blanket" (our boys were NOT attractive babies...YIKES) But all babies are truly beautiful and precious and bring a magical light and innocence to our world.....puke, snot, and all....