Parental Dental 101

Well, if I was in the running before, today I surely dashed all hopes of my "Mother of the Year" award. My kids are not voting for me, and neither are any of the medical professionals in my immediate area. This is spring break week, as I stated in an earlier post. So out of pure guilt as you recall, my husband and I took our kids to a water park resort (aka: Armpit of America). So I thought that the abbreviated family vacation justified me in making some necessary "maintenance" appointments for my kids later in the week. Today was Dentist/Doctor day. Now, I have been a mother for 11 years. I would have thought that those years would make me all the wiser, but that was my first mistake.....motherhood does not make you wise. It sucks every last viable brain cell out of your body. When making apppointments for the "Double Whammy" I never thought that it would be a problem, because of the earlier vacation, and we of course would sprinkle some fun in throughout the day to make it more palatable to my young companions. But the complaining started the night before.

11 year old: "Mom, what are we doing tomorrow?"

me: "Well, we need to get to bed early tonight because we all are going to the dentist at 9. And you have to take a shower before we go." He was stunned. I couldn't tell if he was having a stroke or trying to figure out if I was punking him.

me: "I am serious. We have to do some things tomorrow because that is the only time we have to do it." chirping crickets

11 year old: "You have to be kidding? Why can't we do it when we are in school like normal kids do?" Ahh, he reminds me of myself as a child. Sweet boy.

me: "Well, we have the time this week, and they had the openings, so I thought we would just get it over with. I'll take you to McDonalds for lunch."

11 year old in a very sarcastic tone (again, from me.): "Yippee, can I get a toy too." I am shocked because I swear that just last year he stopped crying when he didn't get the toy. Now it is an opening for sarcasm. The other two spawn must have sensed some upheaval in their universe because they descended upon us from out of nowhere.

7 year old: "What's going on?" - first of all, he never enters a room and asks a question for two reasons 1) because he doesn't generally want to draw attention to himself because he is usually trying to sneak obscene amounts of food out of the house or he is full of mud (or both) OR 2) he is afraid after drawing attention to himself he might thereby make himself a target for mundane household chores. This one likes to stay under the radar....

me: "We are going to the dentist tomorrow."

7 year old: "We can't."

me: "Why?"

7 year old: "I am going hunting tomorrow."

The thing is, he is serious. Wearing head to toe camo and crouching in the tall weeds in our ditch with the neighbor boys for hours on end is "hunting"

me: "Well, you can hunt when we get back."

7 year old: "Mom, we have to get to our spot early so the deer don't see us. So you can go without me." Again, serious.

me: "No, you guys. We are all going. We are getting up early, showering and going early so we can get back and play then."

7 year old: "WHAT? Why do we have to shower? I showered the other day!!!"

I am losing it here, plain and simple. And the Queen of Perpetual Whining hasn't even chimed in her opinion yet....oops. I spoke too soon.

5 year old: "Mommyeeeeee....I don't want to go. I don't like the dentistaaaahhhhh." Now, picture one small blonde flailing her arms and jumping up and down while saying this. I look at my husband....the look that says "PLease take your attention away from ESPN for one damn minute and support me here please."

Husband, in a big booming outside voice: "You're all going and that is final!" To which the kids all stomp away grumbling something as they retreat.
Wow...thanks honey for that. Dr. Phil would be proud of that break through.

The next morning arrives and no one....well, let's just say no one at my house is whistling Zippidy Doo Da. They force smiles, fake hug me, and miserably make their way through breakfast and teeth brushing with obligatory flossing, so that when they are asked, they can honestly say that "Yes. I floss." I will not make liars out of them...yet. So we get to the dentist. Looking at the troops as they filed in one would have thought that I just told them "Hey, we're going to go get a pet today, and then flush it down the toilet tonight." But I gave them the "you had better behave in here OR ELSE" pep talk in the parking lot, so they greeted the receptionist with smiles and amazing manners. They each were called to their appointed hygenist....which as this simultaneously happened, I panicked. I cannot be in with them one at a time. Not because I wanted to hold their hands and make sure that they were brave. Screw that. I wanted to monitor what the little demons were saying in there. I am going to try to be as brief as possible (tough for me). So let me paraphrase here and say that between the three hygenists and the dentist himself my kids shared little tidbits such as "What is floss? We only have to brush after we have ice cream or candy. Sometimes if we get home late at night, my mom says we can just brush really well in the morning. Capt'n Crunch is OUR FAVORITE!! Once we got to eat cotton candy for breakfast" and the one that made me cringe, only because I know how dentists react to this is "WE LOVE FRUITSNACKS" to which I replied "Well, I don't buy them, they must have them at grandmas' house." Here is a parental tip; when in doubt ALWAYS implicate the grandparents, because chances are, they will never meet your child's dentist or doctor. Sorry mom. It had to be done.

After my "Parental Dental 101" talk from the dentist about the implications of pretty much everything my kids shared, we left. (All had a clean bill of health by the way...take that Betty Crocker and your evil artificially fruit flavored goo). It was obvious that though some of which they told was true, they unintentionally threw me under the bus..I guess it was their way of saying "This is not how we spend a vacation." Dually noted little ones. I hereby solemnly swear to never take a precious vacation week and ruin it with official kid maintenance. My bad....which is why in the car on the way to McDonalds, I called and cancelled the 5 year well-child visit scheduled for that afternoon...complete with shots.