Between 8 and 5...

"Someone will be by between 8 and 5"

Oh, super. Thanks for narrowing it down for me. I LOVE that when WE as consumers need assistance of some sort requiring a housecall, we are at their mercy. And they know it. When I had cable taken out of my house a few weeks ago (I know, I know...perhaps another post) I had to call them to come and pick all of the equipment up. I was told someone would be to the house between 8 and 5 as I was not a "priority appointment". Priority or not, I now had to sit at my house all friggin day waiting for them to show up (because I was told a courtesy call closer to time of arrival was not possible...yet another way for them to f*** with me).

The morning of the appointment dawned overcast and rainy. Perfect. Even more reason not to leave the house. But of course Darwin's laws dictate that when you CAN'T leave the house, multiple reasons materialize that require you to do just that:
My oldest forgot her lunch on the bathroom counter. What the hell it was doing upstairs in the bathroom, I had no idea. But the fact remained, my child was sans lunch. Crap. Even though the trip to her school would have taken 7 minutes total, they WOULD have shown up while I was gone, that's a given. Luckily, she had a few dollars in her backpack from the last time she bought lunch, problem solved.

My beloved called shortly thereafter to inform me of some paperwork that NEEDED my signature, like YESTERDAY and would I by any chance be able to swing by work to sign them? And by swing by I mean drive 25 minutes one way, spend 20 minutes dragging kids in and out of carseats, luring them away from the fun distractions at daddy's work, and another 25 minutes driving home. Yeah, DEFINITELY not going to happen. I'd miss them for sure, odds are I'd pass them on my way out of the neighborhood.

Lunchtime rolls around and my son had requested hot dogs and mac and cheese. Now why would THIS cause issues on "ridiculously long pain in the ass put your day on hold cable appointment" day? Because wouldn't ya know it? I was out of milk. Shit. I had already made the noodles and they were just waiting for that little splash of milk for completion. The 2 neighbors I called were not home so borrowing a cup of milk was out. I very briefly considered using Coffeemate Fat Free French Vanilla creamer, but just the thought of doing that to my kids had me gagging so that was out. Lots of extra butter and a few splashes of water later, they had macaroni and I was dry heaving into my kitchen sink...

Long ass appointment day also happened to fall on one of the days in which I tutor. Normally not an issue except I had told her parents I would pick her up at the bus stop on days it was pouring rain...oops. Not only was I waiting for the cable asshats to show up, my youngest was sleeping at the appointed time of bus drop off. So when the poor child showed up on my front steps looking like a drowned rat, I had a warm towel and a cup of hot chocolate waiting along with my pleas to NOT tell her parents I made her walk 1/2 mile in a torential downpour.

FINALLY at 4:45 I get a phone call. Interesting considering they told me one wasn't possible. Whatever, some schlub had been napping in his van all day dicking around, messing with my head, laughing to himself knowing I had been sitting around all day waiting for his sorry ass.

"UHHHHHH, we can't find your house"

Of COURSE you can't you sorry excuses for human beings. Check up your ass, maybe it's there with the rest of your common sense and intelligence.

I speak slowly and very deliberately, much in the same way I speak to my 2 year old when giving her instructions.

"UHHHHHHHH, ok we'll be there in about 10 minutes"

10 minutes comes and goes, and the damn phone rings again.

"UHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH, were we supposed to go left or right into your neighborhood?"

Sweet Lord above. I hung up. 3 minutes later the phone rings again.

"UHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH, someone is home, right? Because no one is answering the door"

Well dipshits, it would probably help if you weren't standing on my neighbor's front steps. I'm the one across the street waving with a handgun and a very pissed off look on my face.

I think they were scared so they were oh-so-grateful when I ripped the cable box out of the wall myself and narrowly missed their heads when I chucked the remote out the front door. Me weilding a sharp, pointy pen was not in anyone's best interest at that point so I hope that the cable company doesn't mind that my 8 year old signed the paperwork.