What's in a name? All sorts of sh*t....



While on Facebook the other day, I noticed that an old friend from elementary school was commenting on the struggle she and her husband are facing in finding a good boy's name that they like (she is pregnant with #5! Check out her blog HERE) It got me thinking of what a huge responsibility it is to name a child. They will have to live with YOUR decision for the rest of their lives (or until they turn 18 and become Thor or Seven) Naming a baby is a BIG deal. On a particular parenting website that I frequent the issue of naming your baby is a HUGELY popular topic of conversation between pregnant moms, experienced moms, and those who aren't even moms yet (come on, you KNOW you had "favorite" names picked out when you were 12). I have several friends on said site who are pregnant or who have recently had babies and so of course we've all had names on the brain lately and ever since seeing Maria's post on Facebook, I feel compelled to help. So put away the baby name books and back away from the internet because HERE are the best ways to give your baby the most amazing name EVER...

Taking what is a common or popular name and screwing with it:

Everyone likely knows a Kaitlyn. But do you also know a Kaiytelynne, Kayitlhin, Khaytlynn, Kaitelinn, Kaatlynn, and a Caitelynne? How about Madison? Mhadissyn? Maddisonn? Madysynn? Maddysin? Madycin? And we know a few Jadens. And Jayden, Jaidan, Jadon, Jhayden, J'Den....Yep, they're out there...all of them. All adorable names (that have made my lists before) but it never occurred to me to replace letters, add letters, or flip the whole damn name around but then get pissed off when people can't pronounce it or squint at it wondering if you just spelled it wrong.

Adding letters or random punctuation:

Because you aren't going to be that mom that gives your baby an ordinary name like Kyle. No, no...you need to spice it up a bit so you conjure up something that no other baby will ever have. Again. Ever. Khyhle. Oh yeah, that's the ticket. Throwing an "h" in haphazardly will make it the most awesome name ever. Seriously. Khyhle is going to be the very best of friends (when he manages to extract himself from his locker) with Ahlyhiviah, Jhayden, Ahmeliah, and Eahthen. Then there are the parents who believe that the insertion of an apostrophe will be THE way to set their baby's name apart from others. I mean, wouldn't YOU think that D'Jay Da'Mon is the coolest friggin kid in kindergarten? Hell yeah he is. So is his girlfriend, M'oree Sy'raiaha.

Flat out making up a name:

Putting two names together to create one is common and can often have very cute results. BUT then you have the parents who are smoking everything in sight, including the clippings from the lawnmower bag; and come up with shit like this. Thelmen...this poor child was going to be named after her deceased grandmothers Thelma and Ellen... I bet even THEY would have been pissed about this butchering of their names. But here are some personal favorites that were clearly just the result of sneezing too hard, thus making ones hands slam against the keyboard willy-nilly: Kaytaquana (isn't that an exotic fruit?) Shaynelna (Sha-nay-nay for short) Karlakenya (a newly discovered version of West Nile) Leezi (granddaughter of Weezy from The Jeffersons) Karjovon (I BELIEVE is the capitol of Azerbaijan) Breedee (whoever came up with this should NOT be allowed to "breedee") Allikaylor (how my toddler says "alligator") Tylera (ah yes, the ol' take-a-boy-name-and-throw-a-vowel-on-the-end-to-make-it-a-girl-name trick) Another cool way to make a name: let the kids throw some Scrabble tiles up in the air, whichever ones land on the floor face up will be turned into the baby's name. That one is pure genius; the kids get to play a fun, interactive game AND you name the new baby.

If you don't like any of those tips for coming up with a good baby name, I've listed a few here for you to peruse at your leisure (you can thank me later!):

Adolf Joseph (hell YES I want to name my son after 2 of the scariest men to ever come out of Europe)

Castor Cicero Fidel (because what parent wouldn't want to name their child after a Communist dictator? OH WAIT! It's ok, they flipped 2 letters around in the first name...)

Gamble Rocco (apparently someone lost a bet...)

Aurora Rose Arielle Eve (her mom still wears embroidered Disney clothing)

Tuesday December (in case she ever forgets when she was born, I wish my parents had named me 690-3012, that was a bitch to remember in kindergarten)

Tzephaniah Johannes Conrad Zoticus (his parents hate him. period.)

Catatonia Calliope (she may spend a great deal of time unconscious and drooling but she sure does sound pretty!)

Xandyr Oleo (don't even get me started on the "X" thing and isn't Oleo the stuff in fat free chips that makes you shit yourself?)

Pilot Eugene (I think more parents should make a habit of giving their children names of occupations they hope they'll have:" This is my son, Mechanical Engineer and our daughter Cardiovascular Surgeon")

Blix Kaylub (one of the lesser known reindeer)

Johnnie Walker Jameson (because what child wouldn't want to be named after what he had been conceived on??? How about Coffee Table? Or Airplane Bathroom?)

Ram Thorne (mom read one too many Harlequin Romance novels)

Broxton Aubri Rain (this is a boy's name...we'll be seeing him in a trench coat on a clock tower in about 20 years)

Mesmeriya Ahmayzing Graise (I'm not mesmerized, I'm in pain, my eyes are bleeding...)

Chesterton Cooper Thornville (helping you with all of your legal needs since 2009)

Like I said before, naming a child is a huge responsibility and can be very stressful. I know some wonder about MY child-naming skills; after all I gave my baby girl what is traditionally viewed as a boy's name. But I didn't further f it up by throwing in an "h", a couple of apostrophes, switch letters around, or give her a middle name that could either be a name or a species of insect found only in Brazil. Typically when it comes to naming a child, "to each his own" rings true...even if you think that those who name their little dumplings things like Zellmert, Blayz, or Reseniyah-Jane are clearly tokin' the doob...whatever, at least YOU don't have to yell out those names at the playground. Best of luck to you Maria and all of those parents out there searching for the perfect name. Remember, when in doubt: add a consonant, replace a vowel, or grab your Scrabble tiles.

10 comments:

Cake Baker Extraodinaire said...
February 26, 2010 at 11:00 AM

Okay I will come clean with my crazy baby naming scheme and maybe reveal some OCD tendencies but when we name my first child Ella, I realized as I was writing birth announcements that we as a family were in alphabetical chronological order and we all had 4 letters in our first name (2 vowels, 2 consonants) so when we got pregnant with baby number two I told my husband that it had to fit so we went with Koen, then came our wonderful surprise baby and I was still determined to find a 4 letters name with the vowel and consonants requirement, so we have Raya and fixed it so we wouldn't be chopping up the remaining letters of the alphabet to make it fit into my craziness.

I was always told to say the name out loud, add a Mrs. or Mr. in front of it, and write it down. The poor kid that has a 14 letter first name will go crazy in Pre-k when a) he can't write his name because he can't remember all the letters and b) it won't fit on the line because of how big they write their letters at that age.

Thank you guys for the wonderful laugh and for making me remember my baby naming dilemma :)

Nicole said...
February 26, 2010 at 12:22 PM

Tooo funny! I actually knew a girl named "Johnnie-Lynn Walker" in highschool!!

redfraggle37 said...
February 26, 2010 at 2:04 PM

I just <3 you guys so much, there are no words...

Maria said...
February 26, 2010 at 2:15 PM

Thanks Anne, we can use all the luck we can get in naming this baby! It is always so hard... But I do agree, people that make up names or change the spelling of names to try and be different is just ridiculous. Don't they understand that is just a cruel thing to do to their child?

Amy Lee said...
February 26, 2010 at 3:59 PM

Note to self: Do not read your blog on a full bladder!

These 2 were my favorite:

Aurora Rose Arielle Eve (her mom still wears embroidered Disney clothing)

Tuesday December (in case she ever forgets when she was born, I wish my parents had named me 690-3012, that was a bitch to remember in kindergarten)

My husband wanted to name our 2nd son Anakin (yes from Star Wars.) I said HELL NO. Instead we named him Broderick and call him Brody..yes after Chief Brody from Jaws. At least he's not a boy who will be called Annie!

B said...
February 26, 2010 at 5:32 PM

Seriously Amy Lee, I pee a little every time. Granted I am 8 months preggers, but still!
My friend worked in the call center for Target Credit in the late 90's. Best name she found was Shithead (pronounced Sha-Heed). My mom misspelled my name, and I am pretty sure I misspelled my daughters. We are idiots, not trying to be unique.
Brigette (should have been Brigitte or Bridgette) mom to Adriana (should have been Adrianna)

Dandilion320 said...
February 26, 2010 at 7:33 PM

OMG!!!! I am dying! My husband is like, what are you reading??!?! I snorted, cried a little and probably pee'd too....

this one made me lose it-
Xandyr Oleo (don't even get me started on the "X" thing and isn't Oleo the stuff in fat free chips that makes you shit yourself?)

and the close second-
Johnnie Walker Jameson (because what child wouldn't want to be named after what he had been conceived on??? How about Coffee Table? Or Airplane Bathroom?)

<3 you guys!!

Bethanne said...
March 2, 2010 at 10:28 AM

You should put a disclaimer out every day before the main body of the blog:

WARNING: Anyone reading this with a full bladder, pregnant, drinking milk, or suffering from gas or worse, the Hershey Squirts, PLEASE read this with caution, because chances are, all afore mentioned symptoms will collide, and someone will have to call 911.

Hilarious. Thanks girls!!

Jess said...
June 29, 2010 at 9:53 AM

Too funny, ladies!! My daughter's name is not the typical but neither is she...Serenity Hailyn but hell, at least it's not a conglomoration of letters, numbers and punctuation...my cousin has a friend, her name...no lie T-a...pronounced T-DASH-a...amazing!!

Dan and Jeannine said...
June 29, 2010 at 9:53 AM

Hilarious!!! As a former teacher, I saw all kinds of stupid names. Ones that made me question whether the parents needed to go back to basic phonics. For instance, I had a Sairiah that was supposed to be pronounced Sarah. I also had a TSohntee pronounced Shawn-tay. Really?? I chose to name my kids names I hadnt had in my classroom and names that hadnt been ruined for me by students from HELL. (I always wanted a Cole, or a Noah, but NOOOOOO- students from Haites forever ruined those names for me!) I have a Natalee and an Owen. I now hear both names everywhere we go, but I still love them. My name is awful...thanks mom. :)

~J

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