What's in a name? All sorts of sh*t....

While on Facebook the other day, I noticed that an old friend from elementary school was commenting on the struggle she and her husband are facing in finding a good boy's name that they like (she is pregnant with #5! Check out her blog HERE) It got me thinking of what a huge responsibility it is to name a child. They will have to live with YOUR decision for the rest of their lives (or until they turn 18 and become Thor or Seven) Naming a baby is a BIG deal. On a particular parenting website that I frequent the issue of naming your baby is a HUGELY popular topic of conversation between pregnant moms, experienced moms, and those who aren't even moms yet (come on, you KNOW you had "favorite" names picked out when you were 12). I have several friends on said site who are pregnant or who have recently had babies and so of course we've all had names on the brain lately and ever since seeing Maria's post on Facebook, I feel compelled to help. So put away the baby name books and back away from the internet because HERE are the best ways to give your baby the most amazing name EVER...

Taking what is a common or popular name and screwing with it:

Everyone likely knows a Kaitlyn. But do you also know a Kaiytelynne, Kayitlhin, Khaytlynn, Kaitelinn, Kaatlynn, and a Caitelynne? How about Madison? Mhadissyn? Maddisonn? Madysynn? Maddysin? Madycin? And we know a few Jadens. And Jayden, Jaidan, Jadon, Jhayden, J'Den....Yep, they're out there...all of them. All adorable names (that have made my lists before) but it never occurred to me to replace letters, add letters, or flip the whole damn name around but then get pissed off when people can't pronounce it or squint at it wondering if you just spelled it wrong.

Adding letters or random punctuation:

Because you aren't going to be that mom that gives your baby an ordinary name like Kyle. No, no...you need to spice it up a bit so you conjure up something that no other baby will ever have. Again. Ever. Khyhle. Oh yeah, that's the ticket. Throwing an "h" in haphazardly will make it the most awesome name ever. Seriously. Khyhle is going to be the very best of friends (when he manages to extract himself from his locker) with Ahlyhiviah, Jhayden, Ahmeliah, and Eahthen. Then there are the parents who believe that the insertion of an apostrophe will be THE way to set their baby's name apart from others. I mean, wouldn't YOU think that D'Jay Da'Mon is the coolest friggin kid in kindergarten? Hell yeah he is. So is his girlfriend, M'oree Sy'raiaha.

Flat out making up a name:

Putting two names together to create one is common and can often have very cute results. BUT then you have the parents who are smoking everything in sight, including the clippings from the lawnmower bag; and come up with shit like this. Thelmen...this poor child was going to be named after her deceased grandmothers Thelma and Ellen... I bet even THEY would have been pissed about this butchering of their names. But here are some personal favorites that were clearly just the result of sneezing too hard, thus making ones hands slam against the keyboard willy-nilly: Kaytaquana (isn't that an exotic fruit?) Shaynelna (Sha-nay-nay for short) Karlakenya (a newly discovered version of West Nile) Leezi (granddaughter of Weezy from The Jeffersons) Karjovon (I BELIEVE is the capitol of Azerbaijan) Breedee (whoever came up with this should NOT be allowed to "breedee") Allikaylor (how my toddler says "alligator") Tylera (ah yes, the ol' take-a-boy-name-and-throw-a-vowel-on-the-end-to-make-it-a-girl-name trick) Another cool way to make a name: let the kids throw some Scrabble tiles up in the air, whichever ones land on the floor face up will be turned into the baby's name. That one is pure genius; the kids get to play a fun, interactive game AND you name the new baby.

If you don't like any of those tips for coming up with a good baby name, I've listed a few here for you to peruse at your leisure (you can thank me later!):

Adolf Joseph (hell YES I want to name my son after 2 of the scariest men to ever come out of Europe)

Castor Cicero Fidel (because what parent wouldn't want to name their child after a Communist dictator? OH WAIT! It's ok, they flipped 2 letters around in the first name...)

Gamble Rocco (apparently someone lost a bet...)

Aurora Rose Arielle Eve (her mom still wears embroidered Disney clothing)

Tuesday December (in case she ever forgets when she was born, I wish my parents had named me 690-3012, that was a bitch to remember in kindergarten)

Tzephaniah Johannes Conrad Zoticus (his parents hate him. period.)

Catatonia Calliope (she may spend a great deal of time unconscious and drooling but she sure does sound pretty!)

Xandyr Oleo (don't even get me started on the "X" thing and isn't Oleo the stuff in fat free chips that makes you shit yourself?)

Pilot Eugene (I think more parents should make a habit of giving their children names of occupations they hope they'll have:" This is my son, Mechanical Engineer and our daughter Cardiovascular Surgeon")

Blix Kaylub (one of the lesser known reindeer)

Johnnie Walker Jameson (because what child wouldn't want to be named after what he had been conceived on??? How about Coffee Table? Or Airplane Bathroom?)

Ram Thorne (mom read one too many Harlequin Romance novels)

Broxton Aubri Rain (this is a boy's name...we'll be seeing him in a trench coat on a clock tower in about 20 years)

Mesmeriya Ahmayzing Graise (I'm not mesmerized, I'm in pain, my eyes are bleeding...)

Chesterton Cooper Thornville (helping you with all of your legal needs since 2009)

Like I said before, naming a child is a huge responsibility and can be very stressful. I know some wonder about MY child-naming skills; after all I gave my baby girl what is traditionally viewed as a boy's name. But I didn't further f it up by throwing in an "h", a couple of apostrophes, switch letters around, or give her a middle name that could either be a name or a species of insect found only in Brazil. Typically when it comes to naming a child, "to each his own" rings true...even if you think that those who name their little dumplings things like Zellmert, Blayz, or Reseniyah-Jane are clearly tokin' the doob...whatever, at least YOU don't have to yell out those names at the playground. Best of luck to you Maria and all of those parents out there searching for the perfect name. Remember, when in doubt: add a consonant, replace a vowel, or grab your Scrabble tiles.