Emergency declared...

I had another topic in mind for today but that will have to wait as I have something I need to get off my chest and if I don't, someone may need to come and check on the well-being of myself and the three children I will be home with ALL DAY LONG....

We recently moved from California to Maryland; pretty significant change, right? My kids were sad to leave their house, school, friends etc. but excited about all of the new things in store for us. One thing in particular: SNOW. They were all but wetting themselves with excitement and anticipation over the first snowfall, pretty sure they were expecting our yard to be blanketed in it as soon as we pulled in the driveway. They were so anxious for the snow to start that my son took to wearing his boots around non-stop (keep in mind we moved here in AUGUST and I will refrain from mentioning the black patent leather boots that were a staple wardrobe item at grandma's this summer...they were STORMTROOPER boots people, Stormtrooper) Anyway, so when that first flake fell one Saturday night in early December, you would have thought that Hannah Montana, Anakin Skywalker, The Wizards of Waverly Place, AND Obi Wan Kenobi were all sitting on our front steps. My little California babies couldn't find their snowpants fast enough. Keep in mind nothing ever really accumulated, it was the kind of big, fat, wet snowflake snowfall that allowed one to still be able to see the green grass under the most transluscent blanket of white. It really can't even be called a blanket, a sheet maybe, a light handkerchief? So of course we had to get them bundled up to go out and play in 1/16 of an inch of snow...big fun. The good news was, school was not effected by this "snowstorm" as my son called it.

Then there was the blizzard right before Christmas, that one was fun until it put a damper on our Christmas travel plans but the silver lining was that school was cancelled for 2 days (which occurred 2 days AFTER said blizzard...whatever) Marylanders (is that even right? did I just make up a word?) anyway, Marylanders were shocked, "We never get this much snow" "My kids usually don't even have snowpants" etc, etc, etc. Coming from Minnesota, this would have just been the beginning of winter...in the midwest "winter" (meaning: snowfall and Holy Shit it's f-ing freezing out there...meterologists in MN actually say that, watch channel 4) typically starts as early as October and can often last until April. Not even kidding, just ask my cousin who got married in April and had to deal with a blizzard on his wedding day (well, ask his wife, he probably doesn't remember unless you show him pictures) So of course, my husband and I thought very little of the snowbanks (of course HE did...his ass was parked on the couch while I shoveled it)

Well, apparently Mother Nature is in leagues with Father Global Warming (yep, totally real...google it...) to make this winter a living HELL for all parents of school-age children. It has snowed several more times out here since the Christmas storm and wouldn't ya just know it THEY'VE CANCELLED SCHOOL EVERY SINGLE MOTHER-F*CKING TIME. According to my calculations, we are now up to 5 or 6 snow days so far this school year. At this rate we'll be in school until July, the good news being they'll have the 4th of July off as a holiday...phew! If even the tiniest flake falls, I can only imagine what is going on at the district office, absolute mayhem...people running in all directions, screaming, reams of paper flying around, phones ringing off the hook, seeking shelter under desks, calling loved ones one last time, etc. You would think Armageddon is imminent. Maybe it is and only the powers-that-be in district offices throughout Maryland and Virginia are aware of it, I don't know. All I know is this is getting ridiculous. A few weeks ago, we got MAYBE 2 inches and school was cancelled. Those 2 inches were gone WELL before noon, but so was I so I guess I can't complain. Do they not REALIZE what snow days do to mothers? Sure it's super fun for the kids to go out and play in the snow but I don't think I need to go into what a major league pain in the ass it is to get your kids all geared up in their snow attire only to have one tell you (as you sit there sweating and panting) that they have to pee. Too bad, snowpants are cushy and absorbent..it's like wearing a big ass diaper. Being cooped up in your house all day long with no possibility of going anywhere without risking harm or even death (I'm not talking about the roads...I'm talking about fighting the hoardes of people at Walmart fighting over cases of bottled water, milk, and batteries) Listening to non-stop bickering and whining about being bored, tattling constantly. Ya know what? I could give two shits if your brother DID just punch you in the stomach and then stepped on your head, until you start showing signs of internal bleeding I don't wanna hear about it. The cancellation of school is awesome for the kids, but I'd rather sit cold and naked in a snowbank in my back yard shoving icicles under my fingernails.

SO here we are again...on the cusp of what is forecasted to be a storm of astronomical proportions. It is anticipated that the east coast is going to be blasted by anywhere from 12-30 inches of snow. SUPPOSEDLY said snow is going to start later this afternoon. Now, I don't claim to have intelligence that warrants any awards, but the last time I checked afternoon meant exactly that: AFTER NOON. Noon being 12:00, lunch time, middle of the day. Well, apparently mayhem has ensued at the district office a bit earlier than usual because they CANCELLED MOTHER F*CKING SCHOOL ALREADY.

And we all know if we get as much snow as they are anticipating (which rarely happens but ya never know) many of us out here are already planning on no school at least for Monday of next week as well. But ya know what? I bet if I dump my kids on the Superintendent's front steps and encourage friends and neighbors to do the same, it'll be the last f*cking snow day for this school year. Kill me now, knock me unconscious, take my children away, send alcohol. After this snowstorm check the headlines because I may make the front page for being a new reason mayhem befalls the district office. But first I'm going to go finish my coffee and Bailey's 'cause it's gonna be a looooooooooooooong ass day.....