What's your "status"?

Ok, so since you all found us on Facebook, we know you frequent it just as much as we do...so we know you'll "get" this post...

I like reading people's status updates just as much as the next person...some of my friends are freaking hilarious, some of my friends say the most entertaining stuff, their kids are awesome, they post cool pictures, links, etc. but I'll be honest when I say that some of my "friends" status updates irritate the hell out of me.  They downright bug the shit out of me.  They literally make me want to crawl through the computer and punch them in the face and tell them to stop talking because nobody cares about what they have to say.  Yep, harsh I know. And for some reason THESE are the people that show up on my "feed" every.fucking.day.  Odds are I'm that person for someone...but hopefully they've taken measures to either delete me or "hide" me and I'm just completely blissfully unaware of it and will remain that way forever as these people will to me so I can talk about them here.  On my blog.  And tell you all why they bug the shit out of me.

I like inspirational quotes or song lyrics every now and then...key phrase...EVERY.NOW.AND.THEN...you don't need to put random Def Leppard song lyrics up every 30 minutes.  I get starting your day with an inspirational quote, that's cool. People appreciate that, gets the day going on a positive note.  But to throw out "I'm hot, sticky sweet...from my head, to my feet YEAH" and then expect people to comment with follow up lyrics???  Lame.  I'm deleting you.

Inside jokes.  They are "inside" for a reason.  Keep them that way.  Post them on your friends walls if you feel the need to broadcast it or send a message.  No one else needs to read about "the antelope and the chicken" which is just going to leave everyone else thinking "what the fuck???" and then saying that under your status...and then you'll be left saying "nevermind, it's just an inside joke"  What are we, 12???  Ok, that's lame and middle school...leave it back in 1989.  Thanks.

The I-must-update-every-second-of-my-life-because-people-are-dying-to-know type status abusers.  These are the folks who, if you were to go to their profile page, will have miles of their own status updates...with no comments (you'd think they'd take the hint)  Thank you for sharing with me that you need a cup of coffee...OH!  Look at that 12 minutes later, apparently the coffee kicked in...good to know that as well.  Really? you think another cup of coffee 47 minutes later is a good idea?  Well, according to your status that's what you're doing and I'm terribly sorry you're out of creamer....and toilet paper.  Fantastic...you're done with coffee and have moved on to the super exciting "I'm on my way to a meeting" portion of your day.  And I'm moving on to my "I'm deleting your painfully boring ass" portion of mine.

I want to be one of those people who can sit on my ass and play Facebook games all day.  I want to do nothing but play Family Feud, feed my Farmville chickens, kick some ass in Mafia Wars, ask for bricks to build my Medieval village, post want ads for my restaurant, and then post about EVERY.SINGLE.ONE.OF.THEM.  Because I want everyone to know how little I have going on in my day.  Seriously.  Can I be you?  I want to be able to broadcast via shitloads of game updates that I have nothing but time on my hands.  I want people to know how unfulfilling my days are.  You may as well just post as your status update "I have no job, no life, no friends, and am still living in my parent's basement...want to get me to the next Family Feud level?"  You're still a virgin too, aren't you?  Yep, kinda figured...

There's nothing like a good "I'm going to kick some Cardio Turbo Fire Rocket X ass" type status update to make one feel more like a fat, slovenly, lazy schlub.  But I don't fucking care.  Yes, I go to the gym (occasionally).  Yes, I work out (every now and then) But I don't feel the need to go on and on and on and on about how LNMOP90SuperX has changed my life and will change yours too...is it a cult or a workout?  Are there subliminal messages streamed throughout?  Am I going to get in shape or end up in a purple Reebok jumpsuit drinking "special" Kool-Aid?  I don't give a shit that you just got up at 4 am rode your bike up the eastern seaboard, came home and ran a half marathon, and now you're going to "rock it with some Turbo Jam Muscle Beat 500" all before I've even rolled my fat ass out of bed.  I don't care, and judging by the lack of "damn, you're amazing!" or "WOW!  can I be just like you???" comments corresponding to your status, nobody else gives a shit either.

I've often wondered if there are word limits on Facebook statuses...but judging by the novels that some type out for other's reading "pleasure" I'm going to go with NO, there aren't.  But sweet Jesus there should be.  The "like" button was created for these status updates.  Because I don't know whether to comment on the trip to grandma's, the sweet ass deal you scored at Kohl's, the new recipe you're trying for dinner, the car trouble, the new book you just read, or how best to potty train your toddler.  Your status update confused me and OOPS!  Delete...

And don't even get me started on horrific spelling and grammatical errors within posts.  Terrible.  I get posting on your phone and mistyping something, been there, done that.  In fact, I just did it yesterday and it bothered me SO badly I contemplated deleting the entire thing.  All because I missed a "t".  Or I've corrected myself underneath the status update by leaving myself a comment, for all those to read behind me so they'd know that I'm not a total moron.  But if you can't even be bothered to figure out the difference between "they're, their, or there" and "too and to" I will just have to delete you so I don't lose IQ points by reading what you think is intelligent and witty.

Like I said, my personal page has probably become the annoyance of several people and I may very well be one of the examples I gave above.  I know I've been guilty of some aspects of each of these, but people comment on my status updates so THERE (picture me sticking my tongue out).  And odds are good I've been deleted or at the very least "hidden"  So be it.  I like that I can tailor a website to my personal tastes and if you do any of the stupid, annoying shit that I've just outlined above...odds are pretty good YOU'VE been deleted or hidden and I only go to your page occasionally to see if you're still annoying the shit out of other people.

Yep, you are...I just checked...

Ok, your turn...what bugs YOU on Facebook?  (and please don't say me...just quietly delete or hide me...)

Sweet marital bliss...

First of all, I want to give a shout-out to our parents...they are celebrating 39 years of marriage today.  Friggin' awesome.  You don't see that much anymore and although the sight of my dad grabbing my mom's ass or my mom making out with my dad in the kitchen totally gags me and makes me visibly cringe, I still think it's pretty cool.  So here's to you mom and dad...and 39 more :)

Now I know their marriage hasn't been all about shitting rainbows and unicorns. Hell, they got married at age 17 with a baby on the way and I believe the day our oldest brother was born they had $7 to their name. Quite the beginning, huh?  But they've come a long way and now they're off on a romantic (gag, barf, choking...) weekend together celebrating marital bliss (just threw up in my mouth a little bit there...)  And I had to laugh because it hit me this morning that I am currently on the opposite end of that shitting rainbows and unicorns spectrum right now.  I can't imagine 39 more minutes of marriage let alone 39 years. 

My beloved has been out of town all week and I will admit there were a few brief moments of missing him and wishing he was home.  But now he's home.  Oh man is he home.  It literally took MINUTES for him to make his mark on the house again to let us all know he was back in his domain.  It was like the alpha male pissing all over everything and marking his territory.  The contents of his pockets were strewn all over my freshly cleaned kitchen counters...thank you love, for the smattering of pocket lint and the Kodiak chewing tobacco sprinkled all over the kitchen floor.  Apparently he was parched and needed a glass of chocolate milk...the only reason I know this is because when I came down to the kitchen this morning (after stumbling over his shoes which were literally at the bottom of the steps) his empty glass was on the kitchen table, the chocolate-y milk covered spoon was STUCK to the kitchen counter and the bottle of Hersheys' syrup was tipped over and left a lovely puddle.  A blind, drunk monkey could have managed that glass of chocolate milk better.   The neatly organized stack of mail I had left for him apparently was better suited to being scattered all over the kitchen table. Don't worry, I'll get those discarded envelopes honey.  I will give him props for bringing his suitcase in though, however it will take a few weeks for the large portion of toenail to grow back, because he parked the damn thing LITERALLY in the middle of our bedroom at the end of our bed.  Super fun tripping over that bitch at 3 am.  Ooops...did I wake you with my swearing and whimpering? My bad.  His bathroom sink has a fresh layer of shaving cream, his mirror now has it's trademark spatters of toothpaste goop, and oh how I missed the sight of a wet, soggy towel dumped on top of his clothes from the night before...in a pile on the floor of course. 

Ah sweet marital bliss...I KNOW my mom has been there, done that....just as well as I know I'll get over it and maybe next week I'll like him again.  But for now I need to get the Windex back out, Roomba my kitchen floor, and superglue my toenail back together.

Happy Anniversary mom and dad...we love you!!!

A slap in the face from my friends at Target...

It's "that time of the month" for me.  I feel that I can share that with you guys.  Hell, we've shared just about everything else with you, our cycles should definitely eek in there somewhere, right?  So there ya go.  Anyway, when I'm up to my uterus in everything hormonally and menstrually related, I want chocolate.  I want sweet stuff.  A lot of it.  Mass quantities of it.  Intravenously would be fucking awesome.  Hell, even my husband would be my favorite person if his "bits and pieces" were made of chocolate.  However, neither of those two options are EVER going to happen (the latter is probably a REALLY good thing but when I'm in the throes of a hardcore craving, I'd be willing to take just about anything) so when I want chocolate, thankfully I don't have to resort to anything ghastly to satisfy my craving.

As we all know, I enjoy Target.  So in one of my several weekly forays into said store, one of my first missions was to stock up on chocolate and/or various not-at-all-good-for-me sweets.  I wandered (read: ran over several small children and little old ladies with my cart in my haste...may have taken a few corners on two wheels) over to the candy aisle because I had a killer coupon for M&M's.  And I have recently discovered pretzel M&M's.  Sweet Jesus Lord above maker of all that is good and holy.  Have you TRIED those little buggers?  Fan-fucking-tastic.  Seriously.  I refuse to listen to you naysayers who tell me you don't like them.  And no, the coconut ones do not compare. Blasphemy.  Anyway, these things are one of the best inventions EVER.  You know the scene in American Beauty where beautiful rose petals are drifting down ever so gently all over Mira Sorvino?  Yep, that is my vision for pretzel M&M's.  Me. Satin sheets. Being pelted with pretzel M&M's.  Heaven.  Notice I made no comment about the svelte, gorgeous, naked body?  Well yeah, no shit.  That's because I will have just eaten my weight in M&M's.  Ain't NOBODY wants to see this naked after gorging on 42 pounds of those bad boys.  And believe me, in the 4-5 days that I'm a miserable, cranky, bleeding, angry, irritable, bloated bitch...I could easily put away 42 pounds of M&M's.  Easily.  Anyway, so there I am...the candy aisle...coupon in hand ready to snatch up a few bags of M&M's and THIS is what I find waiting for me:


They can't be serious.  I could have easily gotten over the fact that they were out of them.  Ok, so maybe not EASILY but I would have pulled myself up by the ol' boot straps and begrudgingly went and found myself a few dozen boxes of Little Debbies instead.  But the longer I stared at it the more pissed off I got.  How the fuck is gum a good substitute for chocolate???????  What MAN made this sign?  I guarantee the douchebag was sitting behind the security cameras just watching women walk past with looks of absolute incredulity on their faces.  Was I being punk'd???  They seriously wanted me to say, "Aw shucks, they're out of pretzel M&M's, the most ingenious marriage of chocolate-y-ness AND saltiness ever invented to satisfy cranky hormonal bitch cravings, but you know what?  A nice stick of gum sounds divine.  Yes, that IS a wonderful substitute!  Thank you, Target! You're so very, very thoughtful!!"  WHAT.THE.FUCK.

I guarantee a man made that sign.  A man made the dumbass stupid douchecanoe decision to substitute GUM for CHOCOLATE.  Because no woman in her right mind would willingly choose gum over chocolate.  Some chauvenistic prick decided that the women of America didn't need more pretzel M&M's so HE decided to swap out the chocolate-y goodness with fucking gum.  HIS tactful way of saying "HEY FAT ASS!  You don't need anymore M&Ms...try some gum instead...curb the cravings, fatty, curb the cravings!"  Yeah, curb THIS you assmuncher.  Instant substitute my ass. I would have found this sign much more logical had they chosen to substitute Doritos or Pringles.  But GUM????  Seriously.  Dumbest thing ever. 

Long story short, I found different chocolate (I'll probably make a separate post dedicated to what I did find...sweet LORD)  And I have new aspirations for myself.  I want to be the Target "instant substitution" sign maker person.  That's gotta be the coolest job EVER.  Out of Charmin toilet paper?   Instant Substitute: Reynolds' Wrap Aluminum Foil.  Uh oh, we're out of Trojan Condoms, ribbed for HER pleasure...Instant Substitute: First Response Pregnancy Test.  Dammit, they seem to be all out of CoffeeMate Fat Free Vanilla creamer.  Instant Substitute: Immodium AD Liquid.  See?  How fun would that be?  I'm going to see if they have any openings....

Your total comes to...

I'll be the first to say that I thoroughly enjoy spending money at Target. Browsing the clearance racks brings me great joy.  I even find a certain sense of euphoria in bringing home new bottles of shampoo, cleaning supplies, and toothpaste.  But school supply shopping can kiss my big, white ass.  School supply shopping can suck it.

I went about a week and a half before school started so I didn't have to deal with hoardes of other moms and kids begging for Jonas Brothers folders and Iron Man lunch boxes.  That was not the source of my irritation.  Nor was I irritated by the fact that Target was missing ONLY our school's supply list.  Nope.  What pissed me off was the list itself.  Yep, I was highly annoyed by a piece of paper.  I expected the crayons, pencils, and looseleaf paper (but I'll be damned if I didn't have to tear the freaking store apart to find f-ing wide ruled paper...thankfully I didn't have to succumb to stealing it out of someone else's cart...believe me, I was *this* close).  I was totally fine with having to supply a couple of folders, but good LORD do they find pleasure in being as particular as humanly possible with the specifications on those damn things?  2  pocket folders one blue, one green, one WITH tabs, one WITHOUT tabs, silver tabs, not copper, 3 inch high pockets, one WITH dividers, one WITHOUT dividers, but make sure that the one that has the tabs does NOT have the dividers. WTF????  I grabbed a yellow and a purple and called it a day.  Then I moved on to erasers...seriously???  They HAVE to be pink, assholes?  Pink rectangles?  And all I can find are white squares.  Of course. What kind of communist bullshit set up is this?  There are NO pink erasers to be found in the entire freaking store.  Anywhere.  A certain "office supply" store wanted an ungodly amount for a package of 2 fucking erasers.  I laughed when they told me the amount and said I'd rather buy a bottle of wine.  My daughter can live with mistakes, I can't live without alcohol.  So I moved on eraser-less eager to leave Target and hit up the nearest liquor store.

Carrying on with my list...after finishing up with the requisite Crayolas (God forbid Rose Art *gasp* apparently those are the trailer trash of art supplies...who knew?), glue sticks (Elmer's JUMBO size), and pencil pouches my irritation turned to a bit of "come again????" intermingled with some "what the fucks???" when I made it to the more "teacher supply" portion of the list...Now, those of you who know me, know that I am in fact, A TEACHER.  Therefore I feel that it is perfectly acceptable for me to bitch about this. A lot. Because I never got to ask my kids to bring me shit.  Ever.  Except Diet Coke.  And I just merely "hinted" at that and whaddya know, the little buggers picked up on it!  But in terms of supplies, the district always gave those to us and told us we were not allowed to get them from students.  And I know that teachers supply a lot of their own shit...believe me, I spent a great deal of my not-so-stellar paycheck on stuff for my own classroom.  Apparently somewhere along the way, a penny-pinching big-wig over at the district office decided that he'd shave a few bucks off of the overall supply budget by sneaking a few staple items onto the student supply list instead...VOILA!  Have every student bring in a $6 pack of Dry Erase markers...CHA CHING!!!!!  Genius!  Unless my kids are going to be the ones writing all over the white boards every day I fail to see how these are student supplies...  Which brings me to my next head scratcher, the ziploc bags...are you going to pack my kids' lunches for me every day???  FUCKING AWESOME!!!!!  No?  Dammit, well then what the hell do you need the gallon size ones for?  Sending home freezer meals?  No again?  Crap...this school sucks.  Two freaking bottles of hand sanitizer??  **quick mental math...carry the one, times 2...plus 1...**that's A LOT of hand sanitizer and my kids will STILL get sick, are you going to bathe them in the shit every day?  No?  Are they going to drink it???  TWO containers of Lysol wipes?  Sweet Jesus Lord above do you have any idea how expensive those damn things are?  Are they going to wrap each other up in them every day? Even if I feed them to my kids, make them blow their noses with them, wipe their asses with them, etc, etc...they'll still get sick. I'm not buying those.  Here are some paper towels.  Shit, those are already on the list.  What the fuck do you need those for?  The school doesn't have them?  What kind of messed up joint is this?  I debate not grabbing the two boxes of tissues left on the list because #1 I barely have any room left in the cart (I already can't see child #3), and #2 I may not be able to afford them anymore.  Maybe they won't notice if MY kids don't show up with them because all of this shit just gets thrown in a pile anyway.  MAYBE I'll just waltz them in there the first day of school with Target bags crammed full of wadded up paper towels that LOOK like they're full of school supplies, chuck them in the "school supply" pile and run like hell... (I didn't really do this, by the way...for those of you wondering...especially those of you local to me...especially those of you who teach at my kids' school...)

I slowly made my way up to the register and shoved the hand sanitizer, ziploc bags, Crayola markers, Fiskars scissors (they HAD to be Fiskars) and Lysol wipes (oh wait, I bucked the system and got the Up and Up brand to save 50 cents)  out of the way to unearth my wallet (hey! I found kid #3) and what was likely our life savings as I was buying school supplies for two kids.  God bless those of you who had to do it for more than that.  As the contents of the cart began moving down the belt and the total began creeping higher, so did my blood pressure.  What the hell ever happened to showing up with a few new folders, new pencils and a sack lunch?????  Pens, pencils, crayons, glue sticks, valium, dry erase markers, scissors, pencil pouches, dividers, folders, merlot, ziploc bags, headphones, xanax, hand sanitizer, paper towels, moscato, lysol wipes...my head was spinning...their college funds were already dwindling and this was just the beginning of 4th grade and kindergarten.   I seriously gagged when I saw the total.  And may have blacked out.  And I literally bought NOTHING but school supplies.  Not a single thing.  I cried about that part later.  She had to repeat herself because I stared for so long, I'm pretty sure she thought I didn't hear her correctly.  The good news is I won't have to worry about pink rectangle erasers for next year because I had to sell my 4th grader to pay for the supplies.  But I did get my wine... (and contemplated drinking it right there in the parking lot...)