As we all know, I enjoy Target. So in one of my several weekly forays into said store, one of my first missions was to stock up on chocolate and/or various not-at-all-good-for-me sweets. I wandered (read: ran over several small children and little old ladies with my cart in my haste...may have taken a few corners on two wheels) over to the candy aisle because I had a killer coupon for M&M's. And I have recently discovered pretzel M&M's. Sweet Jesus Lord above maker of all that is good and holy. Have you TRIED those little buggers? Fan-fucking-tastic. Seriously. I refuse to listen to you naysayers who tell me you don't like them. And no, the coconut ones do not compare. Blasphemy. Anyway, these things are one of the best inventions EVER. You know the scene in American Beauty where beautiful rose petals are drifting down ever so gently all over Mira Sorvino? Yep, that is my vision for pretzel M&M's. Me. Satin sheets. Being pelted with pretzel M&M's. Heaven. Notice I made no comment about the svelte, gorgeous, naked body? Well yeah, no shit. That's because I will have just eaten my weight in M&M's. Ain't NOBODY wants to see this naked after gorging on 42 pounds of those bad boys. And believe me, in the 4-5 days that I'm a miserable, cranky, bleeding, angry, irritable, bloated bitch...I could easily put away 42 pounds of M&M's. Easily. Anyway, so there I am...the candy aisle...coupon in hand ready to snatch up a few bags of M&M's and THIS is what I find waiting for me:
They can't be serious. I could have easily gotten over the fact that they were out of them. Ok, so maybe not EASILY but I would have pulled myself up by the ol' boot straps and begrudgingly went and found myself a few dozen boxes of Little Debbies instead. But the longer I stared at it the more pissed off I got. How the fuck is gum a good substitute for chocolate??????? What MAN made this sign? I guarantee the douchebag was sitting behind the security cameras just watching women walk past with looks of absolute incredulity on their faces. Was I being punk'd??? They seriously wanted me to say, "Aw shucks, they're out of pretzel M&M's, the most ingenious marriage of chocolate-y-ness AND saltiness ever invented to satisfy cranky hormonal bitch cravings, but you know what? A nice stick of gum sounds divine. Yes, that IS a wonderful substitute! Thank you, Target! You're so very, very thoughtful!!" WHAT.THE.FUCK.
I guarantee a man made that sign. A man made the dumbass stupid douchecanoe decision to substitute GUM for CHOCOLATE. Because no woman in her right mind would willingly choose gum over chocolate. Some chauvenistic prick decided that the women of America didn't need more pretzel M&M's so HE decided to swap out the chocolate-y goodness with fucking gum. HIS tactful way of saying "HEY FAT ASS! You don't need anymore M&Ms...try some gum instead...curb the cravings, fatty, curb the cravings!" Yeah, curb THIS you assmuncher. Instant substitute my ass. I would have found this sign much more logical had they chosen to substitute Doritos or Pringles. But GUM???? Seriously. Dumbest thing ever.
Long story short, I found different chocolate (I'll probably make a separate post dedicated to what I did find...sweet LORD) And I have new aspirations for myself. I want to be the Target "instant substitution" sign maker person. That's gotta be the coolest job EVER. Out of Charmin toilet paper? Instant Substitute: Reynolds' Wrap Aluminum Foil. Uh oh, we're out of Trojan Condoms, ribbed for HER pleasure...Instant Substitute: First Response Pregnancy Test. Dammit, they seem to be all out of CoffeeMate Fat Free Vanilla creamer. Instant Substitute: Immodium AD Liquid. See? How fun would that be? I'm going to see if they have any openings....