I don't even have it in me to come up with a witty title for this one...taking a family of five to the movies sucks ass. Period. I have yet to figure out why, everytime we have a low-key weekend without a bazillion different activities and destinations on the itinerary, my beloved insists on suggesting a movie. Of COURSE he does it when the kids are within earshot so I look like a raging-party-pooping-Mommy-Dearest-pissing-in-everyone's-Cheerios BITCH if I say no. Don't get me wrong, I like movies...ones I only pay a dollar for and can enjoy whilst wearing flannel. I like hitting pause if I (or someone else) needs to take a potty break, I like perusing my pantry for affordable snacks. Apparently my family does not enjoy these things as much as I do.
They LOOOOOVE going to the movie theater. The smelly, sticky-floored, bacteria-infested-stadium seat movie theater. Ewwwww. I just threw up in my mouth. But I digress. My family loves movies, we have a lot of them, and yes, we GO to a lot of them despite my best efforts to redirect them into other activities. Apparently the art of underwater basket weaving and making bottled sand art isn't nearly as entertaining. Assholes.
So off we go...and it goes the same way EVERY.SINGLE.TIME. I insist that we stop at a convenience store so I can purchase drinks to smuggle in. This mortifies my husband beyond belief. I bring the biggest fucking mom-bag I own, I could easily fit a small child in there but for these little outings, that baby is reserved for Gatorade and Diet Coke. We argue for about 15 minutes about why I bring our own drinks in, he acts all irritated and whiny. And even though I always smuggle in a soda for him, he always buys a small bucket at the concession stand as if to say "HA! I can get my OWN drink bitch...I just spent $8 on flat, watered down soda that will have me pissing my pants 30 minutes into the movie..TAKE THAT!" Yeah, good for you buddy, too bad I only brought Pull-ups for the youngest of the brood. I also bring in snacks (yeah, it's a BIG.ASS.BAG) but again, he will buy a barrel of popcorn once we're in the theater.
After we sign over part of a college fund contribution to buy tickets and my man-child stands in line for his snacks (for which the total rivals a small grocery bill) We make our way to the theater, stand in back while the man-child and the two oldest spawn argue about where to sit. Let's face it, the 3D glasses are going to make me want to puke 5 minutes in regardless so I could give two shits if we sit in the back on the right, smack in the middle, or up front with my head cocked back at a 90 degree angle. What's that you say? You want to sit in the parking lot??? OK!!!!!!!!! Sign my ass up! I'll race you!
We make our way to our seats and more arguing ensues about who is going to sit next to whom and then we listen to a chorus of :
"MOVE YOUR ELBOW"
"THAT'S MY DRINK HOLDER"
"SHE TOOK MY GATORADE!"
"YOU'RE GOING TO KNOCK OVER MY POPCORN!"
"YOU GOT TO SIT NEXT TO DAD LAST TIME!!"
"I HATE YOU ALL I HATE THE MOVIES AND I WANT TO GO THE FUCK HOME!!" (oh wait, that last one was me...)
And a whole bunch of other bullshit that makes me want to knock heads together and just rouse them from unconsciousness once the movie is over. But the real nightmare begins once the lights go down and the movie starts. After of course 15 minutes of previews...those stupid BASTARDS know my kids are suckers so of course they show previews for 10 more movies I'll have to drag my ass to. Fuck my life. So the movie begins and I WILL say, there are a few times when I've actually WANTED to watch the movie that we paid a small fortune to see. However, it NEVER turns out that way. I typically spend 1 hour and 58 minutes listening to various requests/demands/bitching/whining/random-stupid-bullshit talking so I actually get to pay attention to MAYBE 58 seconds of every movie we go to.
"Mom, can I have more popcorn?"
"Mom, can you open my drink?"
"Mom, I don't like popcorn, what else do we have?" (which requires me to dig in the big ass bag...not an easy task in the dark)
"Mom, remember in the first movie when the one guy had the thing that he took to the place to bring to the other guy? Was he a bad guy or a good guy? Did he have a different weapon? Because that one doesn't look like the one he had in the first movie. Can you check on your phone and google it and see what he had in the first movie that he brought to the guy at the place?"
"Mom, did you bring my jacket?" Uh NO...I reminded you as we were getting out of the car.
"Mom, can I have your jacket?"
"Mom, can I play with your phone?" OH HELL NO! The tickets cost more than the GDP of some small countries! Your ass will watch EVERY.SINGLE.GODDAMN.SECOND of this movie or so help me God...
"Hey..mom...did you look that up yet? Cuz now there's another guy going to a different place and the other guy has a different thing and he's taking it somewhere else with another bad guy and they're going to the same place as in the other movie and I want to see if it's the same one or a different one so did you look yet?"
"Mom? Did we bring M&M's?" (to which I replied that I did NOT bring any M&M's...only to discover that child #1 was asking because she was suspicious of whatever floor snack child #3 had just unearthed from under her chair...HOLY SHIT)
"Mom, what did he just say?" this happens repeatedly and USUALLY about 12 seconds into the movie so they spend the next 2 hours confused because they missed something during the opening credits.
"Mom, I have to go to the bathroom" OF COURSE you have to go to the fucking bathroom. Because your father shared his vat of diet coke with you so not only are you going to spend the next 6 hours bouncing off the goddamn walls, you'll be pissing every 20 minutes too. Awesome. So as any mother would do, I ask ALL THREE if they have to go so I can just get it over with. The other two say no but it never fails...I get back, sit down and someone else announces that they have to go. I've started wising up and just dragging all of them with me. It will get to the point where I will put them ALL in Pull-ups so I don't have to miss anything because I missed the last 10 minutes of Transformers 3 and I'm still pissed.
Occasionally their father will drag himself out of his popcorn bucket stupor to pitch in for 37 seconds of the 2 hour long movie but most of MY 2 hours is spent refereeing/handing out more snacks/mopping up spills/passing out napkins/prying mystery floor snacks out of the 3 year old's hands/etc...etc....etc.
So this is why I don't enjoy going to the movies. I LIKE movies. I just don't like them with my family. Now I know why people go to movies alone. I used to feel sorry for them. Now I wish I could be them.