"Um, mommy? What happened to you?!?!?"

The 3 year old encountered an unfortunate incident with a sippy cup of milk last night and her hair was the casualty.  I didn't notice it until they were brushing teeth and I was trying to brush her hair...wasn't happening.  It was damp, stiff, sticky, and getting a brush through it was impossible.  Being the stellar mom that I am, I pulled it back into a ponytail and sent her off to bed, telling her she was taking a shower with mom in the morning.

She has showered with me before, she loves showers, loves being naked, loves turning around and shaking her little butt at me telling me to "looka my booty tushy".  So I figured today would be no different.  WRONG.  I start the water, get undressed, she does the same and in we go.  She normally totally ignores me and hangs in the water singing random songs about it raining and unicorns and butterflies and other nonsensical 3 year old shit.  Not today.  I'm busy washing my hair and she turns and gasps...

"MOMMY!!!!!!!!!  What happened to you?!?!?!"

I look down, thinking I had cut my leg shaving and was gushing copious amounts of blood down the drain.  Nope.

"What do you mean what happened?  I'm fine!"

"NO you are not....WHAT is that?!?!?!"  (pointing to my vajeej region)

"That's my vajeej (ok, didn't use that term with her but I like it better for some reason)  you have one too"

"WHAT IS WRONG WITH IT?  That is BASGUSTING, put it away, ewwwwww....I don't wanna see your hairy butt mom OH.MY.GOSH"

At this point I'm feeling a gamut of emotions...mostly torn between amusement at her apparent horror at my BASGUSTING hairy vajeej (which was just recently maintained, thank you very much) and depression at being called basgusting by my preschooler.  Preschooler = 1, self-esteem = 0

This carries on for several minutes, I'm trying to wrap up the shower quickly so I can put my nasty, hairy, basgusting self in a towel and then partake in hours of hair removal and exfoliation to restore even a shred self-esteem.  She keeps going on and on and on and on about how gross and ewwwwww it is, she's covering her eyes, pointing and acting as if the Elephant Man is standing in the shower with her.  I've never felt so grotesquely disfigured in all my life.  But then it got worse...

"OH MY GOSH mommy...your boobies are falling onto your chubby belly!!!!!"

Wow.  Awesome.  So now she's carrying on about my hairy butt and my sagging boobs and I'm near tears.  Having been reduced to a hairy, drooping, chunked up mess with a mom-gut I can't get dried off and dressed fast enough.

"WHY do you have those boobies?  Why are they down?"

Because of YOU you demonic little spawn.  YOU made my boobies hang down to my navel.  YOU gave me this unsightly midsection.  I BLAME YOU.

"All mommies have boobies and all mommies have hairy butts"  (granted to varying degrees...some are partial to being bushwomen and some prefer Brazilians...I fall somewhere in the middle...we won't discuss the boobies right now)

"I don't want a hairy butt and I want nice boobies"  (don't we all???)

"You'll have a hairy butt and nice boobies when you're a mommy too"

This is when she starts crying hysterically at the thought of even slightly resembling the horrific display standing before her.


"You won't have them until you're bigger and you're a mommy, it's ok"

Sniffling now, she manages to get out  "When I turn 43 like you?"

Knife through the heart....NOT that there is anything wrong with being 43, but I'm still 10 fucking years away from that.  So my rapidly aging, hairy vajeej'd, saggy boobed self wrapped us both up in towels and snuggled her onto my bed and reassured her that the hairy ass, drooping tits, wrinkles, stretch marks, and being old would NEVER happen to her.  Boy is SHE gonna be pissed in a few years...


Ashley said...
September 9, 2011 at 9:47 AM

I LOVE your blog. I am laughing so hard I have tears in my eyes. I swear to god I had the same exact conversation with my three year old not long ago. Then she walked in on me in the bathroom while aunt flo was visiting. That was an interesting conversation to say the least. HAHAHA!

Anonymous said...
September 9, 2011 at 10:02 AM

Oh no! I chocked on my diet coke reading this! This has happened to me so many times...I'm there with ya, saggy boobs and all. I was getting into the shower one day (by myself, door shut) when from out of nowhere a little voice screams "EEEWWW your choch (our term for our areas) is GROOOOOOOSSS!" After I literally almost peed myself laughing, I kicked the little booger out. She mustv'e snuck in while I was disrobing and got a firsthand veiw as I was climbing over our tub. Yeah, the little squirts do this to our bodies, and this is how they repay us....And the bodies just get worse. I've worked in a nursing home taking care of those awesome women who've raised 16 kids. Thier poor, beaten bodies...

Jeannine of I am what I am said...
September 9, 2011 at 11:13 AM

Oh my gravy! I died reading this one. BTW, so glad you are back with the regular posts! My son (4) has a habit of walking in on me in the bathroom. Thankfully, he has never mentioned my cooch or boobs, but both my older kids have pointed out the many lines, divots, and scars of my saggy, wrinkly belly. My son often asks why mommy's belly button is SOOO big? My response is similar to the one you penned above: "YOU did this to me- all 9 lbs 5 oz of you, all 10 lbs 2 oz of your big sister, and all 9 lbs 2 oz of your precious baby sister. Its YOUR fault!! Now leave me alone so I can hide in the closet and eat my chocolate chip cookies."

Lindsey said...
September 10, 2011 at 9:40 PM

So funny! Love reading your blog!

Kara said...
October 29, 2011 at 8:20 AM

My kids have never said it quite like that but I'm fairly certain that's exactly what's going through their heads. So nice to laugh WITH someone.

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