Little white lies...

Obviously as parents we have taken on the role of raising our children to be good people (well...MOST parents).  We want them to be kind, compassionate, hard-working, empathetic, moral...blah, blah, blah.  But I'm a walking oxymoron.  I tell my kids that I want them to always be honest with me and daddy and to never lie to anyone.  Well...I'm a fucking liar.  I do it often and I do it well.  But I always have the best of intentions and if they never find out then I'm STILL being a good parent, right?!?!?!  (humor me...)  These are just a few "lies" that have rolled off my tongue in order to maintain what little sanity I have left.

WHAT I SAY:
"Oh no! I'm so sorry you can't find it!  Of course we can try to find a new one!"

WHAT I MEAN:
"Oh honey, we LOST that toy that makes mommy want to rip her own ears off? I'm so sorry!  Yes, uh-huh...we ABSOLUTELY will buy you a new one!  Right after pigs fly out of my ass to retrieve the original that is buried at the bottom of the garbage can sitting at the curb"



WHAT I SAY:
"I don't know what happened to it?  Oh no!  Look at that scratch (insert mom's sad face here) it probably won't work anymore but you bet we can sure try!"


WHAT I MEAN:
"Really?  That super irritating movie that makes mommy want to drink herself into a stupor has a BIG ASS SCRATCH in it?  I wonder how that happened!  Couldn't have possibly been the pair of kitchen scissors that I just hid behind the coffee maker!  What a bummer, I know how much you love it!"  (insert big hug and hair petting here for effect)


WHAT I SAY:
"No sweetie, I'm not sure where that skirt is.  I'll go dig in the laundry quick for you"

WHAT I MEAN:
"Oh NO!  The skirt that you wear at a minimum of 3 times a week that matches nothing in your closet has turned up missing?  What a shame...get a sense of style and self dignity and stop wearing shit for days and days"


WHAT I SAY:
"Buddy, there's some toothpaste on your shirt...here, put this one on instead so I can wash that one."

WHAT I MEAN:
"Hey, you need to go put on a different shirt that actually has the same fucking colors as the plaid shorts that you have on because it got some toothpaste on it and mom needs to wash it immediately and then go color coordinate your closet using pictures so you can actually see what outfits WON'T make you look like a tool"  Child looks down for supposed toothpaste stain and before they get a chance to inspect closely I am ripping the shirt off of them and running like hell.  **I will pause here to defend myself and say that I don't do this all the time (I'm not THAT shallow...often)...have any of you SEEN some of the pictures I've posted on Facebook of my kids' chosen outfits???  Sweet Jesus...


WHAT I SAY:
"Nope, it's over...it'll probably be on again later though.  Should we DVR it?"


WHAT I MEAN:
"No I just checked Disney channel and the godforsaken show with weak plot lines and horrible acting that rots your little brain is NOT on and if it WAS on it'd be the same goddamn episode that they've aired repeatedly for the last month straight.  Want me to act it out for you instead?"


WHAT I SAY:
...while rummaging through the pantry "No, I guess we're all out! I can get some more the next time I'm at the store honey!"

WHAT I MEAN:
"Oh bummer, if I'd known that you liked that snack so much I wouldn't have hoarded them all for myself in the super-secret-only-known-to-mom location in the pantry.  I'll get more at the grocery store for you when hell freezes over, how's that sound?  Get your own goddamn 100 calorie packs you little leeches!"

Those are just a few...I'm sure I could think of more given enough time and alcohol.  I really don't think of it as lying...I think of it as self-preservation.  I can only handle so many viewings of Thomas and the Golden Magical Acid Trip Railroad or whatever the fuck that movie is called.  I can only handle looking at some of the less-than-favorable items of clothing that my children seem to get as gifts and develop an unhealthy attachment to a few times before I snap.  There are just some snacks that are mine and NO I will NOT share (again, I get that I should be teaching my kids to share but if they don't know that a package of Pepperidge Farms Mint Milanos is stashed behind the crock pot it's not hurting anyone!!)  I'm telling YOU guys how I roll so that's gotta count for something right?  My kids will figure it out eventually...my parents spent YEARS lying to us and I'm just now figuring it out and I get it.  I'm ok with it and clearly I've embraced the concept...have you? ;)