P-I-L-E....PRESIDENT...

Today's scenario...I am sitting in my dining room with child #2 supervising while he writes out thank you notes from his birthday party.  When I announced that this activity must take place, he reminded me that he "said thank you when I opened the presents".  Yeah, duh.  Call me crazy or old fashioned, but I'm a firm believer in handwritten thank you notes.  But now I wish I wasn't.  Fuck it, yep, he DID say thank as he opened them.  As far as I'm concerned that is enough because this is fucking torture.  I want to take  his pencil out of his hands and stab myself in the eyes repeatedly.  I want to take this stack of fucking Star Wars themed thank you notes and slice them up and down various parts of my body inflicting horrendous paper cuts.  And then I would roll around in lemon juice just for good measure.  Then I will overenthusiastically lick the adhesive on the envelopes in the hopes that they are poisoned and will take me out of my misery.

Getting my son to do anything other than stage a battle with action figures, legos, and qtips is like getting a Republican and a Democrat to agree that Obama is doing a great job.  If I need to engage him in an activity that requires any sort of reading or writing I have to give myself a mental pep talk for hours leading up to the task.  I promise myself that I will be patient with him, use gentle reminders and soft, calming tones.  That typically lasts for about 12 seconds.  Some of my biggest frustrations are (but not limited to)...

Attention span:

He has none.  Now this is the same kid who can set up aforementioned battle and spend literally HOURS pretending the Republic is attacking the Clones (or however the hell it goes)  A pile of legos can be given undivided attention for a full day.  But if it requires reading, writing, or anything involving school he shuts down.  Practicing reading flash cards results in him rolling around on the kitchen floor, last time he was down there he was thrilled to find a stray french fry under the oven....THAT captivated his attention for at least 10 minutes.  While we have been sitting here in the dining room (we're now at over 90 minutes...with a lunch break and 5 bathroom breaks) he has thrown himself off his chair no fewer than a dozen times, blown 17 raspberries onto his arm, picked his nose with his pencil at least 5 times, crawled under the table a few times, and has tried to engage me in discussions about everything from the recipe I am using for dinner tonight to whether or not dinosaurs could run faster than his dad's motorcycle.

Patience:

I have none.  I will fully admit that.  And yes, I am a teacher.  However, I teach older students who, a large majority of the time, can be left to their own devices.  I super suck at working with younger children.  I especially super suck at working with my own young children.  I find myself grinding my teeth and clenching my jaw when we are doing something that SHOULD be a relatively easy task.  Or at least *I* think it should be easy.  Not really sure what the hell is wrong with my kids.  Idiots.

Basic skills:

I really shouldn't even comment on this because I will likely piss off other parents and educators of young minds everywhere. I do NOT like working with my children in kindergarten and first grade.  It is painful. It is frustrating. And yes, at times it makes me feel like I have FAILED my children intellectually...I feel like I should have taught them all of this before entering school, it's not for lack of trying, I found a Star Wars character that corresponds with EVERY GODDAMN LETTER of the alphabet  to help my son learn his letters...and even that didn't work, it held his interest for about 12 seconds longer than the 47 ABC books we have so that was kind of a downer for me...thankfully he has learned his letters and now, heaven help me, we're working on reading....working with beginning readers on basic reading skills SUCKS MY BIG WHITE ASS...

"buddy...you JUST read that word on the last page....and the 12 pages before that...and in every fucking book we've EVER.READ"

"just sound it out...one letter at a time...that word RIGHT.THERE...don't look at me, look at the BOOK" (trying really hard not to increase the volume of my voice)

"yep, sound it out...**IN MY HEAD: DUDE ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS RIGHT NOW?????***...um, buddy P-I-L-E does not spell PRESIDENT"  Funny thing was, with that one, he was on the right track with sounding it out great, put all of the letters/sounds together and then SOMEHOW it morphed into PRESIDENT.  Fuck...well Dan Quayle DID kind of help run the country for a while so maybe he does have a chance?

It's just such a slow, painful process...GOD BLESS elementary school teachers.  I should have made it a habit to send in a bottle of SOMETHING for each of my child's teachers every Friday.  Seriously.  They must have the patience of saints, whereas I should likely have my children taken away from me because I can't even make it through a goddamn Little Critter book without wanting to cause bodily harm.

PLEASE tell me I'm not the only one???  I made it through with my oldest and she's now making straight A's and cries in heap of disappointed hormones if she gets a B.  I know things will be different with my son, he just doesn't seem to care.  He just can't be bothered but I KNOW he needs the basics to get by in life.  His teachers can't do it all unfortunately...or CAN THEY?????  Can I give up completely?  Just kidding...kind of....