I'm exhausted...painfully, deliriously, mind-numbingly exhausted. I have diet coke to my left and coffee to my right...I'm considering snorting a 5 Hour Engergy shot soon. Has anyone ever successfully started a coffee IV? Just curious...
Why am I so tired, you ask? A child slept with us last night. I know that is not a big deal to MANY families but in my house, that shit does not happen. Children do not belong in my bed. Children do not enter the inner sanctum that is my sleep chamber. Children do not infiltrate my nest. In the last 9+ years of being parents, yes we have broken that rule...as rarely as possible. We don't typically allow the kids in our bed, I try to avoid it at all costs (my beloved is the worst offender of this...the kids will go to his side of the bed because they KNOW I won't let them in...he's too lazy to take them back to bed, he gives in) I HATE sleeping with my children. I detest it. I loathe it. I would rather sleep in my car in the driveway or curled up on a chair on the deck, or shit, I'd even just lay out on the deck itself before subjecting myself to sleeping with one of my kids.
I like cuddling with my kids...on the couch...in a chair whilst somewhat upright...but NOT in my bed. My kids don't cuddle while they are sleeping. They embrace their inner ninja and go Bruce Lee on my ass. Many parents swear they sleep better when their kids are in the bed with them. They are liars. How one can sleep better while getting a roundhouse kick to the larynx is beyond me. A knee drop to the uterus is just what I want at 3 am, and I don't know how the fuck it happens but my children's joints seem to multiply at night like little zombies. They have so many knees and elbows it's frightening. And those little knobby knees and elbows manage to find every sensitive part of my body between the hours of 1 and 4 am. Why not my skull? Nope, right in the eye socket. Fucking fantastic. I am clinging to the edge of the mattress for dear life while a 24 pound 2 year old is jamming her knees into my kidneys and then drops and elbow into my temple for good measure all while her father is blissfully snoring away on his half of the bed. HOW 24 pounds of toddler can take up half of the bed is beyond me, but she managed quite succesfully. My little human X kicked my ass right up to the edge of my Tempurpedic mattress to the point where I was using every muscle to keep myself on that edge. So not only do I have internal bleeding and bruises but every muscle aches from trying to maintain my 1/16th of an inch on the bed. At one point I DID manage to fall asleep only to find my feet pinned down. WHAT THE FUCK??? The 9 1/2 year old had joined us at some point. Sweet Jesus Lord above. I was now curled into fetal position IN my pillowcase because that was the only free space in the bed. I hate my children. I hate sleeping with my children.
At 6 a.m. I am groggily shoved awake by my beloved on my side of the bed shoving me towards the middle because the 2 year old "took his spot" Are you FUCKING KIDDING ME??????? The alarm is on HIS side of the bed so in order for the alarm to be shut off, *I* will have to reach over said 2 year old to shut it off for him?? Awesome. I hate them all. Alarm goes off and he has the balls to ask for me to hit snooze...I hit him instead. I hate sleeping with my family. The family bed can suck it. I don't sleep better with my kids. Some nights I question if I sleep better with my husband. I TOTALLY get that some people can sleep very successfully with their kids and that works for them...SOOOOOOOOO does not work for me. AT ALL. I am sleeping in the basement tonight, where no one can find me.