Now, where does THIS part go?

***Make sure the kiddos are out of the room for this one!!!!!!!!!!!!!  Inappropriate picture content!!!!***

A conversation with a girlfriend about thigh high nylons and comments about crotchless panties on our Facebook page got me thinking about a certain drawer in my bedroom...a drawer that is rarely opened...a drawer that houses a few items that my husband is unaware of but he'd probably be pretty damn excited about them if he was.  SO it got me thinking about the usage of those items and in the spirit of Valentine's Day I started perusing your run of the mill websites looking for "attire" and then started finding some...well...for lack of better phrasing, I started coming across some freaky shit.

Let me just say I am not a sexy person.  I don't DO sexy.  And I'm not just saying that because my mom reads this blog.  Sexy for me is wearing just a tshirt to bed instead of a tshirt, socks and pajama pants.  Remember the scene from the movie "True Lies" where Jamie Lee Curtis tries to do the sexy dance for Arnold Schwarzenegger and just as she's getting sexy she throws herself onto the floor in a clumsy heap?  Yep, that's me...except I'd never even attempt the dancing because my husband would piss himself laughing before I even pressed play on the iPod.  However, I have done some Victoria's Secret stuff...but there is some shit out there that I just could never bring myself to try, hell I was cringing just looking at them on the computer; a few of them I had to turn my laptop different ways to figure out which way they were supposed to go.   And of course I need to share them (and my observations of said "outfits") with you all...



Who is more likely to get tangled up in THIS mess???  How the fuck do you even get it on let alone get it OFF?  We'd need to keep scissors by the bedside and that's just not a good idea for several reasons...and stilettos in the bedroom are never practical...just sayin'



For those super sexy, romantic moments when you're making out under the frat house black lights you've recently installed in your bedroom...



There are no words...



Zippers in lingerie just don't strike me as a good idea...fumbling with a zipper in the "heat of the moment" is probably not the best move...knowing me and my not-so-graceful ways I'd end up unzipping a nipple, catching something of HIS in it,  or something equally as disastrous...

   

Odds of someone getting fatally tangled up in either one of these are pretty good...and her pigtails do not distract from the potentially hazardous strangulation likelihood with these ensembles...but matching his and hers death traps??  Awwww....



Remember that scene in "Something About Mary" where Ben Stiller gets his frank and beans caught in his zipper???  Yep...disaster written all over this godawful contraption...nothing about this makes me want to unleash the beast from it's pleather cage...I just threw up in my mouth...



So does it come with instructions like an IKEA bookshelf?  Strap A connects to hook F after looping through the back portion of the left side of the underwire of the first part of the second strap B2.  DO NOT connect the first strap before unhooking the second underwire before detaching the looped hook connector, but NOT strap B1.  Seriously....how the fuck do you even get this on?   I'd be sweating in some very unattractive places when it was all said and done and then I'd want to take the goddamn thing off and take a shower...



Hm....is it there?  Can you find it?  Aren't the items on these kinds of pages supposed to make the guys looks super virile and masculine?  Yeah, not so much for this poor bastard...it's like they took a "Pee-Pee Tee-Pee" off of the Babies R Us website and turned it into a leather thong...are the somewhat chiseled features and kind of there abs supposed to distract us from the barely there manhood (total dimestore novel term thank-you-very-much) hiding under that pleather scrap...poor guy...love the manly bicep band though, I bet his boyfriend does too.




Hmmmm....knowing my luck anything I glued to my nipples would rip one of them right off or I would end up with glue in the wrong places or gluing things together that don't belong glued together so I just can't get on board with the whole idea...and the hat would just fall off so that just seems silly to me...and anything made of "pleather" is bound to make for some awkward, uncomfortable noises if you know what I mean so that material should just be avoided altogether...

I could have gone on and on and on...I saw things that were crotchless (like a FB reader said, why bother...just go commando) things with metal studs (potentially resulting in eye gouging and other fatal injuries) whips and chains (blunt force trauma is always sexy) furry and other "faux" materials (one word for ya there: CHAFING)...the list goes on.  Maybe I'm just not adventurous enough.  Maybe I need to take a trip into Victoria's Secret sometime soon, or maybe even branch out a little bit more and go all out for Frederick's of Hollywood.  But I MUST give credit where credit is due, for those who are wondering, the lovely pieces showcased here today can be found HERE at Wicked Temptations...very appropriate, doncha think?  It all scares me to be perfectly honest and I'll probably just keep the drawer closed and stick with the tshirt and MAYBE, just MAYBE if I'm feeling really saucy I'll venture into the Gilligan and O'Malley section at Target today...

The family that sleeps together...

I'm exhausted...painfully, deliriously, mind-numbingly exhausted.  I have diet coke to my left and coffee to my right...I'm considering snorting a 5 Hour Engergy shot soon.  Has anyone ever successfully started a coffee IV?  Just curious...

Why am I so tired, you ask?  A child slept with us last night.  I know that is not a big deal to MANY families but in my house, that shit does not happen.  Children do not belong in my bed.  Children do not enter the inner sanctum that is my sleep chamber.  Children do not infiltrate my nest.  In the last 9+ years of being parents, yes we have broken that rule...as rarely as possible.  We don't typically allow the kids in our bed, I try to avoid it at all costs (my beloved is the worst offender of this...the kids will go to his side of the bed because they KNOW I won't let them in...he's too lazy to take them back to bed, he gives in) I HATE sleeping with my children.  I detest it.  I loathe it.  I would rather sleep in my car in the driveway or curled up on a chair on the deck, or shit, I'd even just lay out on the deck itself before subjecting myself to sleeping with one of my kids.

I like cuddling with my kids...on the couch...in a chair whilst somewhat upright...but NOT in my bed.  My kids don't cuddle while they are sleeping.  They embrace their inner ninja and go Bruce Lee on my ass.  Many parents swear they sleep better when their kids are in the bed with them.  They are liars.  How one can sleep better while getting a roundhouse kick to the larynx is beyond me.  A knee drop to the uterus is just what I want at 3 am, and I don't know how the fuck it happens but my children's joints seem to multiply at night like little zombies.  They have so many knees and elbows it's frightening.  And those little knobby knees and elbows manage to find every sensitive part of my body between the hours of 1 and 4 am.  Why not my skull?  Nope, right in the eye socket.  Fucking fantastic.  I am clinging to the edge of the mattress for dear life while a 24 pound 2 year old is jamming her knees into my kidneys and then drops and elbow into my temple for good measure all while her father is blissfully snoring away on his half of the bed.  HOW 24 pounds of toddler can take up half of the bed is beyond me, but she managed quite succesfully.  My little human X kicked my ass right up to the edge of my Tempurpedic mattress to the point where I was using every muscle to keep myself on that edge.  So not only do I have internal bleeding and bruises but every muscle aches from trying to maintain my 1/16th of an inch on the bed.  At one point I DID manage to fall asleep only to find my feet pinned down.  WHAT THE FUCK???  The 9 1/2 year old had joined us at some point.  Sweet Jesus Lord above.  I was now curled into fetal position IN my pillowcase because that was the only free space in the bed.  I hate my children.  I hate sleeping with my children.

At 6 a.m. I am groggily shoved awake by my beloved on my side of the bed shoving me towards the middle because the 2 year old "took his spot"  Are you FUCKING KIDDING ME???????  The alarm is on HIS side of the bed so in order for the alarm to be shut off, *I* will have to reach over said 2 year old to shut it off for him??  Awesome.  I hate them all.  Alarm goes off and he has the balls to ask for me to hit snooze...I hit him instead.  I hate sleeping with my family.  The family bed can suck it.  I don't sleep better with my kids.  Some nights I question if I sleep better with my husband.  I TOTALLY get that some people can sleep very successfully with their kids and that works for them...SOOOOOOOOO does not work for me.  AT ALL.  I am sleeping in the basement tonight, where no one can find me.