Now, where does THIS part go?

***Make sure the kiddos are out of the room for this one!!!!!!!!!!!!!  Inappropriate picture content!!!!***

A conversation with a girlfriend about thigh high nylons and comments about crotchless panties on our Facebook page got me thinking about a certain drawer in my bedroom...a drawer that is rarely opened...a drawer that houses a few items that my husband is unaware of but he'd probably be pretty damn excited about them if he was.  SO it got me thinking about the usage of those items and in the spirit of Valentine's Day I started perusing your run of the mill websites looking for "attire" and then started finding some...well...for lack of better phrasing, I started coming across some freaky shit.

Let me just say I am not a sexy person.  I don't DO sexy.  And I'm not just saying that because my mom reads this blog.  Sexy for me is wearing just a tshirt to bed instead of a tshirt, socks and pajama pants.  Remember the scene from the movie "True Lies" where Jamie Lee Curtis tries to do the sexy dance for Arnold Schwarzenegger and just as she's getting sexy she throws herself onto the floor in a clumsy heap?  Yep, that's me...except I'd never even attempt the dancing because my husband would piss himself laughing before I even pressed play on the iPod.  However, I have done some Victoria's Secret stuff...but there is some shit out there that I just could never bring myself to try, hell I was cringing just looking at them on the computer; a few of them I had to turn my laptop different ways to figure out which way they were supposed to go.   And of course I need to share them (and my observations of said "outfits") with you all...



Who is more likely to get tangled up in THIS mess???  How the fuck do you even get it on let alone get it OFF?  We'd need to keep scissors by the bedside and that's just not a good idea for several reasons...and stilettos in the bedroom are never practical...just sayin'



For those super sexy, romantic moments when you're making out under the frat house black lights you've recently installed in your bedroom...



There are no words...



Zippers in lingerie just don't strike me as a good idea...fumbling with a zipper in the "heat of the moment" is probably not the best move...knowing me and my not-so-graceful ways I'd end up unzipping a nipple, catching something of HIS in it,  or something equally as disastrous...

   

Odds of someone getting fatally tangled up in either one of these are pretty good...and her pigtails do not distract from the potentially hazardous strangulation likelihood with these ensembles...but matching his and hers death traps??  Awwww....



Remember that scene in "Something About Mary" where Ben Stiller gets his frank and beans caught in his zipper???  Yep...disaster written all over this godawful contraption...nothing about this makes me want to unleash the beast from it's pleather cage...I just threw up in my mouth...



So does it come with instructions like an IKEA bookshelf?  Strap A connects to hook F after looping through the back portion of the left side of the underwire of the first part of the second strap B2.  DO NOT connect the first strap before unhooking the second underwire before detaching the looped hook connector, but NOT strap B1.  Seriously....how the fuck do you even get this on?   I'd be sweating in some very unattractive places when it was all said and done and then I'd want to take the goddamn thing off and take a shower...



Hm....is it there?  Can you find it?  Aren't the items on these kinds of pages supposed to make the guys looks super virile and masculine?  Yeah, not so much for this poor bastard...it's like they took a "Pee-Pee Tee-Pee" off of the Babies R Us website and turned it into a leather thong...are the somewhat chiseled features and kind of there abs supposed to distract us from the barely there manhood (total dimestore novel term thank-you-very-much) hiding under that pleather scrap...poor guy...love the manly bicep band though, I bet his boyfriend does too.




Hmmmm....knowing my luck anything I glued to my nipples would rip one of them right off or I would end up with glue in the wrong places or gluing things together that don't belong glued together so I just can't get on board with the whole idea...and the hat would just fall off so that just seems silly to me...and anything made of "pleather" is bound to make for some awkward, uncomfortable noises if you know what I mean so that material should just be avoided altogether...

I could have gone on and on and on...I saw things that were crotchless (like a FB reader said, why bother...just go commando) things with metal studs (potentially resulting in eye gouging and other fatal injuries) whips and chains (blunt force trauma is always sexy) furry and other "faux" materials (one word for ya there: CHAFING)...the list goes on.  Maybe I'm just not adventurous enough.  Maybe I need to take a trip into Victoria's Secret sometime soon, or maybe even branch out a little bit more and go all out for Frederick's of Hollywood.  But I MUST give credit where credit is due, for those who are wondering, the lovely pieces showcased here today can be found HERE at Wicked Temptations...very appropriate, doncha think?  It all scares me to be perfectly honest and I'll probably just keep the drawer closed and stick with the tshirt and MAYBE, just MAYBE if I'm feeling really saucy I'll venture into the Gilligan and O'Malley section at Target today...

The family that sleeps together...

I'm exhausted...painfully, deliriously, mind-numbingly exhausted.  I have diet coke to my left and coffee to my right...I'm considering snorting a 5 Hour Engergy shot soon.  Has anyone ever successfully started a coffee IV?  Just curious...

Why am I so tired, you ask?  A child slept with us last night.  I know that is not a big deal to MANY families but in my house, that shit does not happen.  Children do not belong in my bed.  Children do not enter the inner sanctum that is my sleep chamber.  Children do not infiltrate my nest.  In the last 9+ years of being parents, yes we have broken that rule...as rarely as possible.  We don't typically allow the kids in our bed, I try to avoid it at all costs (my beloved is the worst offender of this...the kids will go to his side of the bed because they KNOW I won't let them in...he's too lazy to take them back to bed, he gives in) I HATE sleeping with my children.  I detest it.  I loathe it.  I would rather sleep in my car in the driveway or curled up on a chair on the deck, or shit, I'd even just lay out on the deck itself before subjecting myself to sleeping with one of my kids.

I like cuddling with my kids...on the couch...in a chair whilst somewhat upright...but NOT in my bed.  My kids don't cuddle while they are sleeping.  They embrace their inner ninja and go Bruce Lee on my ass.  Many parents swear they sleep better when their kids are in the bed with them.  They are liars.  How one can sleep better while getting a roundhouse kick to the larynx is beyond me.  A knee drop to the uterus is just what I want at 3 am, and I don't know how the fuck it happens but my children's joints seem to multiply at night like little zombies.  They have so many knees and elbows it's frightening.  And those little knobby knees and elbows manage to find every sensitive part of my body between the hours of 1 and 4 am.  Why not my skull?  Nope, right in the eye socket.  Fucking fantastic.  I am clinging to the edge of the mattress for dear life while a 24 pound 2 year old is jamming her knees into my kidneys and then drops and elbow into my temple for good measure all while her father is blissfully snoring away on his half of the bed.  HOW 24 pounds of toddler can take up half of the bed is beyond me, but she managed quite succesfully.  My little human X kicked my ass right up to the edge of my Tempurpedic mattress to the point where I was using every muscle to keep myself on that edge.  So not only do I have internal bleeding and bruises but every muscle aches from trying to maintain my 1/16th of an inch on the bed.  At one point I DID manage to fall asleep only to find my feet pinned down.  WHAT THE FUCK???  The 9 1/2 year old had joined us at some point.  Sweet Jesus Lord above.  I was now curled into fetal position IN my pillowcase because that was the only free space in the bed.  I hate my children.  I hate sleeping with my children.

At 6 a.m. I am groggily shoved awake by my beloved on my side of the bed shoving me towards the middle because the 2 year old "took his spot"  Are you FUCKING KIDDING ME???????  The alarm is on HIS side of the bed so in order for the alarm to be shut off, *I* will have to reach over said 2 year old to shut it off for him??  Awesome.  I hate them all.  Alarm goes off and he has the balls to ask for me to hit snooze...I hit him instead.  I hate sleeping with my family.  The family bed can suck it.  I don't sleep better with my kids.  Some nights I question if I sleep better with my husband.  I TOTALLY get that some people can sleep very successfully with their kids and that works for them...SOOOOOOOOO does not work for me.  AT ALL.  I am sleeping in the basement tonight, where no one can find me.

Baking...DE style...

I can't take credit for this one but it's funny nonetheless!  Happy baking everyone, have some rum for me! ;)

Christmas Rum Cake




1 Tsp. Sugar

1 or 2 Quarts of Rum

1 Cup Dried Fruit

Brown Sugar

1 Tsp. Soda

1 Cup Butter

2 Large Eggs

1 Cup Baking Powder

3 Juiced Lemons

1 Cup of Nuts



Before starting, sample rum to check quality. Good, isn't it? Now proceed.


Select large mixing bowl, measuring cup, etc.


Check rum again. It must be just right. To be sure rum is of proper quality, pour one level cup of rum into a glass and drink it as fast as you can. Repeat.


With electric mixer, beat 1 cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl.


Add 1 seaspoon of thusar and beat again.


Meanwhile, make sure rum is still alrighty-roo. Try another cup. Open second quart if necessary. Sample to be sure the second bottle is of the same quality.


Add leggs, 2 cups of fried druit and beat til high. If druit gets stuck in beaters, pry loose with drewscriber.


Sample rum again, checking for tonscisticity.


Next, sift 3 cups peppfer or salt (really doesn't matter).


Sample rum.


Sift 1/2 pint lemon juice. Fold in chopped butter and strained nuts. Add 1 bablespoon of brown sugar-or whatever color you can find. Wix mell. Grease oven. Turn cake pan to 350 gredees. Pour mess into boven and ake.



Check run again and bo to ged.



..ADN HALPIE HOLIGLAZE FROM US N THE CAP'N TWO YA'ALL!

From our home to yours...want to hear how fabulous I am???

'Tis the season...for all sorts of shit...we've started receiving holiday cards in the mail and along with many of those cheerful flocked and glittered cards that leave entrails all over my kitchen counter are the newsy holiday letters.  I truly enjoy reading these letters as it gives me a chance to see what old friends have been up to over the past year.  I love reading about their families, their kids, accomplishments (within reason), etc.  However, there is a fine line between the "recap of the XXXX family from 2010" and the "here is how fucking fabulous the XXXX family is in 2010 and evermore" letter.  I've received both so far, guess which ones I want to wipe my own ass with?  (but refrain from doing so only because it could potentially result in nasty papercuts...not to mention the glitter)

I myself have sent out holiday letters because as a military family we are somewhat far removed from family and the many friends we've made over the years.  However, I don't fill the letter with detailed glowing accolades of myself, my husband, and my children.  Some might call that BRAGGING BEYOND BELIEF.  I would tend to agree.  We've outlined some subtle differences in the holiday letters in the hopes of helping you weed out folks to eliminate from next year's holiday card list AND possibly help you write your own that won't become someone's TP....

SCHOOLING:

I love to hear about your kids, really I do.  Hell, I talk about mine all the damn time.  The little spawn aren't going anywhere anytime soon so I may as well pretend I like them ;)  But it's ok to keep it simple.  Going on and on about every test score, glowing conference report from little Johnny's teacher, and "major award" is completely unneccessary.  Because let's be honest, no one REALLY gives a shit nearly as much as you do about the specifics  (plus that "major award" was probably given to about 95% of the damn school in light of all of that touchy, feely "let's make EVERYONE feel special" bullshit)  A simple "Johnny is really enjoying the 5th grade this year, his favorite subject is math and he's really excelling....we're so proud of him!"  And leave it be...no one cares about the rest.  Really.

SPORTS:

Refrain from mentioning how little Johnny kicked everyone's ass this year on the football field and didn't belong in a simple rec league with those other amateurs.  Holiday letter no-no...never criticize anyone who may be reading said holiday letter.  Nobody needs a run-down of his ENTIRE.FUCKING.SEASON down to his cup size, uniform number, and what his coach said about him at the end of the year "banquet" which was really held at Burger King after the last game but you use "banquet" because it sounds better.  Knock that shit off.  Again, keep it simple.  "Johnny is really improving at football and is looking forward to next season, he's hoping to attend camp this summer!"  Done.

WORK:

In times such as these where SO many people are struggling in their businesses or have suffered the fate of millions and are without work, this is NOT the place to share with everyone how much money you're making and how you can barely keep up with your business because you're so successful and wonderful.  OUCH.  You'll find a small bonfire on your front lawn made up of your holiday letters if you do that.  No need to share with everyone what your net worth is and the "major awards" you won either.  "Work is going well, keeps both of us busy which we're so thankful for!"  DONE.  

PERSONAL:

Granted the majority of the letter is personal but many different things can fall into this category.  Do I want to know that your oldest child just got married?  Abso-fucking-lutely!!!  But do I need to know about the black tie reception and the Vera Wang wedding gown?  Probably not...save that for the society pages that no one reads.  Do I want to know that you went on a trip last year?  Hell yes!  But do I need to hear about the 2 week trek through Europe, the Mediterranean cruise, the private cabana in the Caymans, and the timeshare in Honolulu?  Not so much.  I don't give a shit that you're exhausted from all of your travels (and putting a smiley face at the end of such a comment does not make it a tongue-in-cheek comment....no one is going to think you're funny...braggar)  Why do I need to know that you got a new tennis bracelet for your birthday?  Why do I give a shit that your husband just HAD to trade in his car for the newest model?  Am I interested in knowing that your child is up for a scholarship?  Of course but you don't need to elaborate with EVERY.SINGLE.ACCOMPLISHMENT since kindergarten making me feel like a total shmuck because my 2 year old still eats off of the floor.

So in conclusion...keep it simple, tell us what is new with you and yours without making you and yours sound like complete assholes.  It's that easy!  That makes the difference between me sharing your letter with my husband or using it for kindling.  A dear friend writes a beautiful holiday letter each year that I genuinely look forward to.  She shares BRIEFLY about her gorgeous family and then ends it with sharing what they are thankful for...I love that!  Don't spend 2 pages telling me how fucking fantastic you and your spawn are and then follow up with, "oh-by-the-way-happy-holidays"  These are the people who become positively giddy at "holiday letter" time of year because they get to brag.  I hate them.  And their stupid holiday letters.  You know they start rough drafts in about October and spend a good month or two perfecting it and adding to it before deeming it perfect.  BARF. 

For what it's worth, I'm skipping our holiday letter this year.  To be honest 2010 was kind of a shit year for my family and I feel no need to put that in writing (except for right here obviously)  So my kids are awesome, my husband is blessed to have a stable job, I'm thankful we're all healthy...and with that...I'm fucking fabulous, happy holidays...

Maybe we can pencil you in...

Today after school I had to herd my herd right off of the school bus and into the car. I practically ran them home from the bus stop, dislocated limbs as I yanked backpacks from their little bodies and chucked them in the front hall (where they still sit), threw some fruit snacks at all of them and hauled them all out to the driveway. They were so shell-shocked they were actually cooperative. We had appointments right away and although it goes against my nature, everything I stand for, and my regular habits, I HAD to be on time for them. After those appointments I schlepped them home quickly where the oldest changed out of school clothes and into soccer attire while the youngest two grabbed a quick snack (and the youngest threw a shit fit because I felt that a bag of rice did NOT qualify as a snack and we should NOT bring daddy's empty beer bottles to soccer...) It was so freaking hectic getting everyone out of the car, grabbing what we needed and back into the car in literally 7 minutes I was ALMOST tempted to go do a few shots of Cuervo before heading to the soccer field. Apparently drunk parents at public parks are frowned upon...weird.


As I sit here now, finally mildly relaxed (read: sitting and semi-frantically making mental lists of all I have to do at home)watching the two youngest play happily in the sand (read: one is throwing it and one is rolling in it) and the oldest practices with her team I am so very very thankful that my everyday is not like this. I would be a raging alcoholic. I know of people whose days ARE like this. EVERY.FREAKING.DAY. I don't think I could function, nor could I successfully keep track of appropriate schedules, times, and places. I'd end up with a tball clad kid at karate practice on pee-wee football night.

I just don't have it in me to "schedule" my kids. I am fine letting them participate in sports; obviously as I am currently watching the oldest play soccer. They can do whatever they want...within reason. It can't cost more than a mortgage payment (sorry Sam, no figure skating) and the schedule can't be completely out of control (dance class 4 nights a week?? I don't think so) Last spring my schedule made me want to hurt people as the oldest played softball twice a week, the middle played tball twice a week, and the leftover day I spent drunk. My week was shot. I often prayed for rain so practices would be cancelled. It's not that I don't want my kids to experience stuff like Jazzercise, choir, underwater basket weaving, Chess club, Young Scientists club, recycling club, Bible study, yo-yo group, and competitive yodeling. Bring on the experiences. Just squeeze them into the school day somehow.

I want my kids to have time in their day to BE KIDS. I didn't like our schedule today and I guarantee you, by the time we get home, shove some dinner in them, bathe and bed them all WITHOUT giving them a chance to play..they'll realize they didn't like it either. I can handle it one night a week, maybe even two. But I don't want to have to SCHEDULE time for my kids to be 9, 6, and 2. You look at kids today and they are shuttled from ballet to soccer to the counselor to the dermatologist to jazz/tap combo to the chiropractor and rounding it all out with a stop at the herbologist. WHAT.THE.FUCK???? Kids are way overscheduled. No wonder they have to see a shrink and have early onset anxiety disorders. They've got way too much shit to worry about. A 9 year old should worry about which shirt to wear tomorrow and whether or not she knows all of her spelling words for Friday. She shouldn't be worrying about if she'll even have TIME to study her spelling words in between dance class, therapy, the dermatolgist, and Bible study. I know something is seriously wrong if my kids have more shit scheduled on the calendar than I do. I don't want to have to pencil in time for my kids to ride bikes and scooters, play with neighborhood kids, or just sit and veg out. Kids NEED that. Hell, who am I kidding, I need that. I can't be constantly shuttling kids from one activity to another. Drunk driving is illegal. I realize as they get older and are involved in more, schedules are going to fill up and conflict. Unless I lock them in their rooms, turn them into social recluses, and deny any involvement in any extracurriculars, their schedules will become slightly overloaded as they age. But I'll be damned if I'm going to synchronize calendars on my iPhone for my elementary school-aged kids. The ones who pick their noses, should still get help wiping, and get excited about pudding in their lunch boxes. (ok, so this could be my husband too, but for the sake of example I'm referring to my kids...)

As they get older they'll want to do more and my calendar will fill up whether I like it or not. But for now I want them to be able to have time in their day to unwind and be kids. So in between the once-a-week soccer practice I'm fine with only having reminders of when library books are due on my calendar. Shit, what day is it today????

When did birthdays start sucking?

So it's my birthday next week...and there is part of me that is still shit-myself-excited.  Does that part EVER go away?  That little kid inside who anticipates an upcoming birthday for weeks in advance? Even though I'm a grown up and supposed to pretend that I dread the arrival of each and every birthday?  When did birthdays start sucking?  WHY did birthdays start sucking?

Remember when we were little and our birthdays were like a national holiday?  A day when we were convinced that the world SHOULD in fact revolve completely around us...as we long suspected it did anyway? My son's birthday is just a month before mine and I watched him in the weeks leading up to his big day.  We planned his party, he made his "I want that for my birthday" list, he chose the flavor of cake he wanted, he changed his mind about the "theme" 62 fucking times (don't worry, I'm not bitter about that nor am I upset about the pile of unwanted party favors that I can't find the fucking receipt for...)  And he was genuinely excited about his birthday.  He could not have been more excited about it.  All adults should be like that. 

I know far too many adults who could give two shits about their birthday.  And just as many who act as if they'd rather visit the gynecologist, the dentist, AND wait in line at the DMV all on one day.That makes me sad.  When did we reach a point in our adult lives when birthdays are supposed to suck?  I realize that we have grown up responsibilities and most days feel like a Monday but one's birthday should be a welcome "vacation" from the everyday.  Your birthday should be your chance to be the center of attention (even for those of you who swear you hate that...enjoy the oodles of Facebook greetings, then...no need to talk to anyone)  Your birthday should be used as your excuse for EVERYTHING....don't fold laundry, it can wait until tomorrow...why make your day worse by dealing with everyone's underwear?  Don't cook anything, make someone else do cook or take you out.  Or feel no remorse whatsoever about eating total shit all day long.  You can.  It's your birthday and calories don't count (I'll find the research that backs this up later...just trust me on this one)  Go treat yourself to something new...don't buy ANYTHING for the kids when you go to Target.  Go get a mani or a pedi.  Plop yourself down on the couch with a pint of Ben & Jerry's.  Your birthday should be about YOU.  Stop pretending it sucks.  Birthdays are fucking awesome.  Yep, we're grown ups now and don't typically have blow out parties with bouncy castles, pinatas, and goody bags but we still deserve to have a special day.  Why the hell not?  Getting older doesn't suck THAT bad...I like to think I'm getting better with age (work with me on this one...)

In our 11 years of marriage my husband has been gone for nine of my birthdays.  Yep, nine of them.  And yep, my birthday means that much to me that I've counted.  Shit, I am a middle child...number 3 of 6...when else was it going to be all about me??  October 12th, dammit.  And guess what?  He's going to be gone again this year.  Am I going to mope about acting like someone took a dump in my Cheerios?  Nope.  Why would I do that?  It's my birthday dammit...sure I still have to do the daily tasks that MUST get done (like making lunches, changing diapers, putting the kids on the bus...) but you better believe I'll be squeezing in "it's-my-birthday-and-it's-all-about-me" whereever I can throughout my day.  Want me to pay my mortgage?  Fuck off, it's my birthday, I'll do it tomorrow.  The toilets need to be scrubbed?  Bite me, do it yourself...you pee all over the damn thing anyway.  You want WHAT for dinner??  Too damn bad, you'll be lucky if I bother to feed you...it's MY birthday dammit.  I don't dread getting older (minus the effects of gravity and whatnot...but that's a separate post) and I think that birthdays are something to be celebrated no matter how old you are.  Whether you're 6 or 36 (no, I'm not turning 36...just sounded good...) everyone should KNOW it's your birthday.  They gave us fucking crowns in Kindergarten, why not in our 30's? 

Totally kidding about the crown part...kind of...

What's your "status"?

Ok, so since you all found us on Facebook, we know you frequent it just as much as we do...so we know you'll "get" this post...

I like reading people's status updates just as much as the next person...some of my friends are freaking hilarious, some of my friends say the most entertaining stuff, their kids are awesome, they post cool pictures, links, etc. but I'll be honest when I say that some of my "friends" status updates irritate the hell out of me.  They downright bug the shit out of me.  They literally make me want to crawl through the computer and punch them in the face and tell them to stop talking because nobody cares about what they have to say.  Yep, harsh I know. And for some reason THESE are the people that show up on my "feed" every.fucking.day.  Odds are I'm that person for someone...but hopefully they've taken measures to either delete me or "hide" me and I'm just completely blissfully unaware of it and will remain that way forever as these people will to me so I can talk about them here.  On my blog.  And tell you all why they bug the shit out of me.

I like inspirational quotes or song lyrics every now and then...key phrase...EVERY.NOW.AND.THEN...you don't need to put random Def Leppard song lyrics up every 30 minutes.  I get starting your day with an inspirational quote, that's cool. People appreciate that, gets the day going on a positive note.  But to throw out "I'm hot, sticky sweet...from my head, to my feet YEAH" and then expect people to comment with follow up lyrics???  Lame.  I'm deleting you.

Inside jokes.  They are "inside" for a reason.  Keep them that way.  Post them on your friends walls if you feel the need to broadcast it or send a message.  No one else needs to read about "the antelope and the chicken" which is just going to leave everyone else thinking "what the fuck???" and then saying that under your status...and then you'll be left saying "nevermind, it's just an inside joke"  What are we, 12???  Ok, that's lame and middle school...leave it back in 1989.  Thanks.

The I-must-update-every-second-of-my-life-because-people-are-dying-to-know type status abusers.  These are the folks who, if you were to go to their profile page, will have miles of their own status updates...with no comments (you'd think they'd take the hint)  Thank you for sharing with me that you need a cup of coffee...OH!  Look at that 12 minutes later, apparently the coffee kicked in...good to know that as well.  Really? you think another cup of coffee 47 minutes later is a good idea?  Well, according to your status that's what you're doing and I'm terribly sorry you're out of creamer....and toilet paper.  Fantastic...you're done with coffee and have moved on to the super exciting "I'm on my way to a meeting" portion of your day.  And I'm moving on to my "I'm deleting your painfully boring ass" portion of mine.

I want to be one of those people who can sit on my ass and play Facebook games all day.  I want to do nothing but play Family Feud, feed my Farmville chickens, kick some ass in Mafia Wars, ask for bricks to build my Medieval village, post want ads for my restaurant, and then post about EVERY.SINGLE.ONE.OF.THEM.  Because I want everyone to know how little I have going on in my day.  Seriously.  Can I be you?  I want to be able to broadcast via shitloads of game updates that I have nothing but time on my hands.  I want people to know how unfulfilling my days are.  You may as well just post as your status update "I have no job, no life, no friends, and am still living in my parent's basement...want to get me to the next Family Feud level?"  You're still a virgin too, aren't you?  Yep, kinda figured...

There's nothing like a good "I'm going to kick some Cardio Turbo Fire Rocket X ass" type status update to make one feel more like a fat, slovenly, lazy schlub.  But I don't fucking care.  Yes, I go to the gym (occasionally).  Yes, I work out (every now and then) But I don't feel the need to go on and on and on and on about how LNMOP90SuperX has changed my life and will change yours too...is it a cult or a workout?  Are there subliminal messages streamed throughout?  Am I going to get in shape or end up in a purple Reebok jumpsuit drinking "special" Kool-Aid?  I don't give a shit that you just got up at 4 am rode your bike up the eastern seaboard, came home and ran a half marathon, and now you're going to "rock it with some Turbo Jam Muscle Beat 500" all before I've even rolled my fat ass out of bed.  I don't care, and judging by the lack of "damn, you're amazing!" or "WOW!  can I be just like you???" comments corresponding to your status, nobody else gives a shit either.

I've often wondered if there are word limits on Facebook statuses...but judging by the novels that some type out for other's reading "pleasure" I'm going to go with NO, there aren't.  But sweet Jesus there should be.  The "like" button was created for these status updates.  Because I don't know whether to comment on the trip to grandma's, the sweet ass deal you scored at Kohl's, the new recipe you're trying for dinner, the car trouble, the new book you just read, or how best to potty train your toddler.  Your status update confused me and OOPS!  Delete...

And don't even get me started on horrific spelling and grammatical errors within posts.  Terrible.  I get posting on your phone and mistyping something, been there, done that.  In fact, I just did it yesterday and it bothered me SO badly I contemplated deleting the entire thing.  All because I missed a "t".  Or I've corrected myself underneath the status update by leaving myself a comment, for all those to read behind me so they'd know that I'm not a total moron.  But if you can't even be bothered to figure out the difference between "they're, their, or there" and "too and to" I will just have to delete you so I don't lose IQ points by reading what you think is intelligent and witty.

Like I said, my personal page has probably become the annoyance of several people and I may very well be one of the examples I gave above.  I know I've been guilty of some aspects of each of these, but people comment on my status updates so THERE (picture me sticking my tongue out).  And odds are good I've been deleted or at the very least "hidden"  So be it.  I like that I can tailor a website to my personal tastes and if you do any of the stupid, annoying shit that I've just outlined above...odds are pretty good YOU'VE been deleted or hidden and I only go to your page occasionally to see if you're still annoying the shit out of other people.




Yep, you are...I just checked...

Ok, your turn...what bugs YOU on Facebook?  (and please don't say me...just quietly delete or hide me...)